Ten bucks says that 1-800-GAMBLER is some sort of sports book.

Last Week: 3-3-1
Overall: 6-7-1

Minnesota Vikings +7.5 vs. San Francisco 49ers

Home teams went 14-2 last week. Home teams are 19-12-1 against the spread on the season. San Francisco is 1-4 ATS in their last five road games. Christian Ponder leads the league in completion percentage. These are the stats that will comfort me when the 49ers are up by 17 in the fourth quarter.

Washington Redskins -3 (-115) vs. Cincinnati Bengals

Earlier this week BuzzFeed picked Muppet doppelgangers for 31 of the NFL’s starting quarterbacks plus Matt Flynn for some reason. Most of them were terrible, and one of them was RAYCESS. The only things RGIII and Rowlf have in common aside from their beautiful brown appearance are affinity for an musical instruments and floppy ears that beg for a good scratching. OK, it’s not the worst comparison. That goes to Drew Brees and and Gonzo. Damn you for making me click on that, BuzzFeed. Even Marmalard as Miss Piggy couldn’t keep me from hating myself for succumbing to your linkbait.

As for the Bengals, I don’t totally trust Andy Dalton. He’s so…unsettling.

St. Louis +7.5 Rams at Chicago Bears

When asked about RGIII’s claim that the Rams played dirty last week, Steven Jackson replied, “this isn’t the Big 12.” F*ck yeah! This is the NFL, where grown ass men hit each other late and take opportunistic cheap shots. Remind Steven of this when he’s suing the NFL in a couple of years. Dumbshit. Still, I like St. Louis to keep things close. Also of note, it’s never too early to start picking up stocking stuffers for Jay Cutler.

New Orleans Saints -9 (EVEN) vs. Kansas City Chiefs

These two defenses have combined to allow 150 points in four games to start the season. The Chiefs really are this bad, but the Saints probably aren’t. So yeah, parlay the -9 with over 53 and count on absolutely nothing changing. Nothing changes week to week in the NFL, right?

Arizona Cardinals +3.5 (-115) vs. Philadelphia Eagles

I’m going up against a fantasy team called What About Kolb this week. I approve.

Legit Prop Bet of the Week: Wes Welker OVER 5.5 receptions (-130)

The Patriots refused to even look at WELKAH in the first half last week and he still finished with five catches. With Hernandez out this will be his breakout week. If not, all of us who own him in PPR leagues will rise up and storm Gillette like a bunch of pissed off Frenchmen on Bastille Day.

Prop Bet For Down the Road: Will another QB throw for 500 yards or more during the regular season: YES -200

It happened twice last year and has already happened once in 2012. Passing stats are up again, so why the hell not? You were just going to waste that money on baby formula anyway.