Before we get to your emails, a quick moment of silence for Chris and Christie Cooley, who — as Ape noted in the Klearinghouse — are getting divorced after four years. I’m sadder about this than I am about Will Arnett and Amy Poehler. Hollywood people are SUPPOSED to get divorced, but the Cooleys really seemed happy. Big-time frowny-face here, and best wishes to both.

Also, I wanted to echo what some folks said on Twitter: this Chris Gethard post on Tumblr is a terrific read. A depressed and anonymous reader asked Gethard about suicide, and he dropped everything to give that reader a heartfelt, empathetic essay on the beauty of life and what makes it worth living. It’s truly inspiring. I wish that I could give responses to that every week, but you people are always just like, “DURRR LONG DISTANCE.”

Nah, I’m kidding. Y’all are great. And this week’s batch of email are fun — plus there’s lots of cheesecake. That always makes the reading go down easier.

Dear KSK,
Football first- I drafted Ben Tate in my league and he didn’t look great against the Dolphins. Two of the other owners in my league both just dropped Jonathan Stewart & DeAngelo Williams. Would adding one of those guys at the expense of Ben Tate be worth it? Or should I hold onto Tate and hope Foster goes down instead of picking up 1 of the 4 running attacks in Carolina?

I’d hold on to Tate. The Williams/Stewart thing has been fucking over fantasy owners for the last couple years now. At least with Tate, you know when he’ll have value.

Sex- Is it ever a good idea to try to date an ex-girlfriend’s little sister?
thanks,
Orville

That depends. Is your ex-girlfriend Penelope Cruz? Because Monica, damn.

If your ex-girlfriend is literally anyone else on the planet, then it’s a bad idea. Shouldn’t stop you from trying, though.

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Fearless Captain,
I have 3 RB’s in my standard league, Murray, Charles, and Beanie. I have concerns about all of them, and was wondering which you thought would be the most reliable throughout the season.

I think Murray and (especially) Charles will be fine as long as they stay healthy. Beanie is dogshit.

Sex: I’ve been back in the US for a month now after spending 6 months in Europe on study abroad programs. While I was there, I did the typical abroad student thing (drinking, traveling, and hooking up with foreign women, in any order). My last month in Europe I became involved in a casual fling with an American girl there with me, and towards the end feelings somewhat developed between the two of us. We study similar things, get along really well, want similar futures (living/working abroad, spending a lot of our lives traveling over the world) and the sex is fantastic. The problem is that she lives in the Pacific Northwest while I am here in Illinois for the last year of my bachelor’s.

Without getting into the details and small amount of drama that aren’t relevant to my problem, the gist of the matter is this: We have rough plans to see each other when she gets back from Europe (over the winter), and we are not together now, but talk most days. This has not stopped me from hooking up and flirting with other women, but I would like to pursue any possibility there is between the two of us. We are both in the last year of our bachelor’s degree and our looking at our future post-College. It could be a job, internship, or spending a year or so on a master’s degree, but unknown at this point.

We are supposed to look at a few grad schools together in the spring, but we don’t know what our futures are at this point. My question is mostly, is it a bad idea for me to consider a job or school because she is there? Ideally we would both end up near other, and I think we could end up in similar spots simply because of career paths, and that choosing a grad program partly because she is there is not the worst idea, as long as it is a good program. My plan for now is mostly to see where it goes between the two of us, and to make that decision when I get there, but my general feeling is that I should choose the best option available to me, regardless of her, but I just try to talk myself into thinking differently.
Thanks,
Man Who Took Studying A Broad Pretty Literally

Nicely done. “We met in Europe while studying abroad; should we go to grad school together?” wins you the White People Problem of the Week.

It seems like you’re being pretty level-headed about this. You can recognize a possible end-state worth working towards, but you’re not betting the farm on it. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with picking a grad program that’s near her as long as it’s one you want to go to.

And if you end up on different sides of the country again? Oh well. Is it really so bad to have a long-distance fuck-buddy and guaranteed wedding date for a couple years in your early twenties? If this is meant to be, is starting at 25 or 26 a dealbreaker? I doubt it. Go to grad school wherever feels right. She’ll either be nearby, or she won’t. It will either work out with her — or work out better with someone else as you grow and change. You’re in good shape regardless.

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Hi!
It’s me, the guy with the hastily thrown-together FF question with no sex question and a, quote, “low-res, 300-pixel photo taken years ago.” You are quite correct. I was disrespectful to the process. I was working on a short time-frame and I feel embarrassed. So, in the interest of fairness, and to avoid any potential *ahem* karmic payback, I humbly offer you fitness model Tanya Naghten:

I will not do you wrong again. Please accept my deepest apologies.

– The Apologist

This is basically the best email I got all week.

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Dear Sophists of Screwing,

Fantasy: I have the Pittsburgh D. Standard yahoo scoring, and they looked like dogshit tonight. I know defense is part of GOOD OL FASHIONED STILLER FOOTBAWW, but should I drop them? I’m in an 8-team league, so waivers are deep. Frankly, Denver looked better.

Denver looked better because they ARE better. I regret to inform you that you are the sucker who drafted the Pittsburgh defense on reputation alone. In an eight-team league, there are almost certainly better options on the waiver wire. You can never go wrong with whoever’s playing the Browns.

Sex: I’m in a relationship of a couple years. I’ll leave out unimportant and potentially identifying details, but the relationship has been rocky. My girlfriend (“Sue”) is in law school, which I’ve heard can turn even the happiest people into drained souls. My job is no picnic either (there’s a lot of M&A and it involves a lot of canceling on plans),

LOL, you people and your real jobs. I have no idea what M&A is.

and mostly we’ve been trudging along through ups and downs and various forms of unavailability. Our sex life has been dropping off steadily, at the point where it’s been 4 times in the last 3 months.

It’s sort of sucked for the last year but I genuinely loved her and never had any strong desire to stray, mostly just wishing things were better. However, an attractive intern (“Fawn”) sat down in front of me this summer and started making Bambi eyes. She’s cool in all of the ways I wish my girlfriend was, and the impulsive emotional idiot in me wants to drop Sue and essentially start over with Fawn. I realize there are a whole set of unknown problems with Fawn (she’s younger than me and has a year of grad school left, so we’re sort in different places right now, etc.), but my brain is happily dismissing them in favor of hope. How dumb am I being? I don’t really know Fawn, other than she is sexy and I love talking to her. Part of me wants an immature girl because I know there won’t be any immediate pressure to marry or breed. (I’m 26, Fawn is 22, and Sue is 26 and highly maternal, as well as one of those people with a “plan”.) Fawn has one more week in the office and I think is becoming a little desperate – you could cut the sexual tension with a knife – but is going to school in the same city, so she’s not really going anywhere. Should I cut ties? I’m not sure if Sue is marriage material, but frankly neither she nor I are ready for it, so I don’t feel like one of us is holding the other up or stringing the other along.
Thanks,
Needs to Man Up and Make a Choice

As a casual bystander, I’m definitely all, “Ditch Sue and go get that Fawntang!” But as a reasonable adult and semi-pro giver of advice, I think you need to talk to Sue about your unhappiness with the state of the relationship. A couple years of being together is long enough to have an idea of where a relationship is going, and if she’s a “maternal” woman with a “plan,” then she may have a very different idea about her and your marriage readiness. OR she could be just as miserable in the relationship as you are and, like you, be too caught in the rut to muster the energy to end it. I don’t know — that’s why you need to talk to your girlfriend about it.

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Dear KSK,
Football: So, with Arian’s knee being an issue, my decision to go with Ben Tate wasn’t such a bad idea before the game? Sigh. I’m guessing I’ll be stuck with him riding the pine all year, right? There’s no way he’ll steal any carries from Arian, even if Arian’s injured, apparently.

Relax. It’s a long season, and half of everything we thought we knew from Week 1 will get reversed in Week 2. (But I’d keep Tate on the bench for now, just to be sure.)

Sex: lately while having sex with my wife, the moment of climax has coincided with the onset of the worst imaginable headache. Originally, I thought maybe it was a physical exertion thing, but I’ve been out to the gym and had no problems working up a sweat there. More recently, fear of this headache has made performance more difficult. Suggestions? (PS married to the woman of my dreams, six kids and we still find the time).
-Head case Texans fan

What am I, the Mayo Clinic? Go to a doctor.

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Dear Captain,
Football: What are your thoughts on having multiple players from the same team? I had to auto-draft this year and ended up with Vick, McCoy and Eagles D. I’ve always been wary of that situation, so I’m wondering if I should try and trade Vick to get some more depth.

And just who, pray tell, wants to trade for Michael Vick right now?

Problem is I have Josh Freeman as the other QB and only FAs available are Nacho, Gabbert, and Skelton. I feel like I could use some help at WR where its Miles Austin, Harvin, and D. Thomas from the Broncos. I know you said no trades before week 4, but I’m hoping I can get someone to bite on a deal that would benefit me for the long run.

I think Demaryius, Harvin, and Austin are fine receivers to have. Thomas is a threat to score every week, Harvin gets extra yards on the ground, and Austin… well, okay, he’s getting a little long in the tooth. But Vick and Freeman as your quarterbacks is a much bigger problem than having three Philly players on your fantasy team. I’d hope for a couple good weeks out of Vick and then try to flip him before you get to the bye weeks.

And seriously, this is for everybody: stop putting Josh Freeman on your fantasy team, even as a backup. He threw for 138 yards in Week 1. He had just two 300-yard games all last season (against New Orleans and Green Bay, two teams whose passing defenses were the opposite of their passing offenses). He never once threw for three touchdowns in a game in 2011. Remember 2010 and that 25-6 TD/INT ratio? Zero 300-yard games. I just don’t see him as a decent fantasy option. I’d be tempted to drop him for Sanchez.

Sex: I’m a mid 20s male who is still a virgin. It’s not something I’m proud of, and it doesn’t come up much in conversation as people just seem to assume I have had sex because apparently I don’t come off as totally helpless (they probably know).

You know why it doesn’t come up? Because nobody over the age of 18 says, “Are you a virgin?”

For whatever reason, I just haven’t had the chance to stick my penis in a vagina. Whatever though, I try not to force the issue so much and take your usual advice of improving myself through exercise and engaging in different activities and not worry about it so much. Well, I was at a bar and met up with a girl that wanted to have sex with me. Cool, right? Except when it came down to do it I can’t get hard. She’s being nice and trying to help me out (without oral, because she doesn’t do that) while I’m doing all I can to dig in to my spank bank to get something going, but to no avail. With my confidence crushed and me apologizing, I end up leaving her place when she falls asleep. My questions are:

1. Is this even normal? I’ve heard of people having trouble when being really drunk, but that shouldn’t have been the case this night. I mean, I had a girl naked with her legs spread and I can’t get a hard on? What the fuck? I’m hoping I was just messed in the head by jumping in to a totally foreign situation to me and not because I’ve been desensitized from all my years of fapping.

It’s perfectly normal. When you anticipate something so much, your body doesn’t react well to the pressure your mind has created. I’ve said this before, but in baseball you hear about guys in a slump who are gripping the bat too hard (the bat is NOT a metaphor for penis here). They just need to relax and loosen their grip, and the hits come. Same thing with sex. You can’t let it psyche you out.

2. Girl said she wants to try again another time. Now I know I shouldn’t be one to be turning down easy sex, but honestly I wasn’t really digging her all that much. Even though my sexual experiences are minimal (mostly heavy petting and kissing) I’m guessing that my mouth shouldn’t have felt like I had just been elbowed by Metta World Peace. How does one politely decline that advance without being the biggest asshole in the world?

The moral advice here is “don’t have sex with someone you’re not attracted to, wait, you’ll find someone who blah blah blah.” But you’re a single man. Don’t turn down sex. Turning down sex is a luxury that only George Clooney can enjoy.

3. Am I gay?

I’d appreciate any help you’d have.
Thanks,
Vince Young

If you’re masturbating to hetero porn, I sincerely doubt it. But if you really are Vince Young, you’re super-duper gay.

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Hey Captain,
Fantasy (apologies in advance for the long explanation):
I’ve been in a fantasy league with pretty much the same people for nearly a decade. A few years ago, during the season, the league decided to go to keepers. I argued that it would have been more fair to have that decided prior to the draft, but to no avail.

This year, the Commissioner changed defensive scoring when he set up the league to make defenses much more valuable. He forgot to include this change in his Commissioner’s note. Having read the scoring settings (this is a money league and I don’t like to gamble blindly), I was prepared and took a defense earlier than I normally would have.

During the week 1 games, others started noticing the change in scoring and revolted. I pointed out that they could have 1) read the scoring settings or 2) noticed that the Yahoo projected points for defenses were much higher than normal, but again, to no avail. So the Commissioner changed the scoring settings back during Sunday’s games to appease the complainers. Naturally I lost by two points, and would have won had the settings not been changed.

That is COMPLETELY fucked up. When you see him, punch him in the dick and say, “That’s from Caveman.”

Don’t get me wrong: I like having keepers and the old defensive scoring rules, I just wish these changes were discussed and decided prior to the draft. If a Commish wants 25 points per passing touchdown or 9 flex starters or whatever, that’s their call, as long as everyone who participates in the league knows the rules going in and they don’t change mid-season.

The Commish is a buddy of mine and he does a good job in general, so it’s not like I’m going to quit the league over this. However, I’ve been kind of a dick about this situation on the message boards. Am I an asshole for requesting that rules stay consistent once the draft occurs? Should I have pointed out the change in scoring to other players prior to the season, or is it up to each individual player to stay informed? Is there anything I can do to prevent this situation from happening a third time?

No, you’re not an asshole. However, you bring up a good point about pointing it out to other players that the scoring had changed. That’s the commissioner’s job, and since he failed at that, you rightly took the competitive advantage of adjusting your draft strategy. Ironically, if you’d been Good Samaritan and told everybody about the change, they might have adjusted their drafting technique, you might have lost Week 1 on your own and not on a rule change, and you’d be stuck with weird defensive scoring all year long to boot.

Given all this, I think you’re in the right to ask for a refund on your league dues this year. His shoddy work as commissioner cost you a Week 1 victory, and your savvy drafting technique — which should have benefited you all year — was negated by other people being less diligent than you.

Sex: No complaints here. Please accept this picture of Diora Baird as penance.
-Details Guy

450 pixels? Tell me, is there some website where KSK readers go to that specializes in small pictures of sexy women?

However, I like where you’re going with the Diora Baird thing. There are 56 nice big pictures of her here, including several where she’s unencumbered by the restraints of our puritanical heritage.

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Hey KSK,
My sex question, as are so many others these past weeks, is actually an engagement question. I’m going to ask my girlfriend to marry me sometime in the near future. We’ve discussed this, but the when, where and how will still be a surprise. After trying to get me to guess her dream proposal situation,

Hold on a second. She made you try to guess what her dream proposal would be?

and me failing time and time again, one night she let it slip. I can’t use this now, right? I feel like the surprise is really important and if I execute her ideal proposal, she’ll know what’s coming. Any thoughts about which way to go?

Take as many elements of it as possible while still making it yours. I feel like I did a pretty good job of surprising my wife with a proposal, but at the end of the day, I think she would have preferred a telegraphed proposal that looked and felt like something out of a romantic movie. Whatever, she said yes and it’s too late for her now.

My point is, your girlfriend may not have “let slip” her ideal proposal scenario. After you not being able to guess it, she may have just decided to feed it to you and say “oops.” Your task is to put your own spin on what she’s hoping for.

As for my fantasy question, have you had any luck with lumping all of your bye weeks together and tanking one week? I’m in a ridiculous 2 QB, 14 team league in which I think I could pull off a trade to get my QB bye weeks aligned. This would obviously decrease my chances of winning that week, but I’d have 2 QBs going every other week. I’ve never tried this strategy and I’m curious to know whether you, or anyone in the Kommentariat have used it successfully.

First of all, your league settings are awful.

I’ve never tried tanking a week, but I’ve never been overly concerned with bye weeks, either. I try to draft for depth and let the chips fall where they may. That said, if you were going to try to tank a week to guarantee future success, I guess the set-up you have is the way to go. If you DO tank that week, at least go take a car trip to look at autumn foliage or something that day. If your fantasy team gets the week off, you should get outside and enjoy it.

One last thing: I’m also a CrossFitter, and I am fundraising for our Fight Gone Bad event in support of prostate cancer research. As the Kommentariat was so generous when you were fundraising last year, I’m hoping that some of that KSK Kares Kharity spirit might spill over to a fellow reader. Anyway, here’s the link. (I’m also willing to embarrass myself for donations if you think it would help.)
Thanks,
JP.

Good luck! For those who have followed by fund-raising efforts in past years (and donated — thank you), I won’t be raising money for Fight Gone Bad this year. I’m presently working with a couple veterans organizations to find the right event — ideally one that happens outside of the football season.

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Dear Mr Caveman,
I drafted Matthew Stafford and RGIII. Now I have an obvious dilemma. Our league gives QBs 6 pt Passing TDs/ -2 pt Interceptions.  Stafford really hurt me with those 3 interceptions, and now I’m a little queasy about starting him this week. Plus he’s playing @ San Fran.  On the other hand he is the veteran and I still expect him to do very well this season.

RGIII pros and cons: Obviously he had a killer debut but he is after all a rookie. He plays @ St Louis for whatever that counts for.  Because he scored almost twice the fantasy points of Stafford’s last week, and the defense he’s going to face, he warrants serious consideration.  I’m having trouble making up my mind though.

I say start RG3. #YOLO

Sex: No questions, so I humbly submit these links:
Shay Maria tumblr (non-nude)
Random bonerrific gallery (WARNING NSFW)
And for the gays, Reddits homoerotic NFL fan-fiction thread (WARNING NSFW and Packers Fans)
Thanks,
Pissy Little World Traveler

Wow, that’s… very considerate of everyone except straight women. How ’bout some eye candy for the ladies:

/whoring complete

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Hey caveman,
I’m in an 8 person ppr league, with qb,2rb,3wr,flex,te,dst,k. My quarterback is rodgers, my backs forte, bradshaw, mike bush, and j.stewart(who i’ve got on ir)my receivers jennings, j.jones, cruz, bowe, m williams, blackmon, crabtree and ogletree (waiver) as my receivers.

And that, folks, is why eight-team leagues are bad.

With jennings most likely out for thursdays game, i want to start mike bush.

Not so fast. Jennings is hoping to get in the game, but I still think you’re right to give him a seat. (Side note: doesn’t it seem like twice a year, some guy listed as “doubtful” goes off for 150 yards and two touchdowns? I’m SURE this won’t happen with Jennings.)

The question is if I should start him at flex or rb. Do you think itd’ be wiser to start both bears rbs at running back, giving me the option of choosing my flex spot later, or to go ahead and commite all three backs to playing by filling the flex spot, i’m heavy at receiver, so I’m hesitant to only go with 3.

Start Forte, Bradshaw, Bush, Cruz, and Julio Jones. You aren’t THAT heavy at receiver.

Quasi- Sex question: I met my girlfriend this past spring from going to church of all places, which offers two different services on sundays, and up untill the season kickoff, We’ve always gone to both. With football season though, I’ve decided to only attend the early service, allowing me to view all of sunday’s games, an arrangement I see no problem with. However, my girlfriend objects, claiming I am “choosing football over God and her.”

Flubby: “I fail to see the problem here.”

She has never portrayed demanding or clingy traits before, and I’m starting to wonder if I’ve underestimated how big a role spirtuality plays in our relationship. Am I wrong with suddenly changing part of our relationship in such a way? I can live with DVRing parts of games.
-Breesus Tebow

Whoa. Okay. Hoo boy.

I don’t want to denigrate your spirituality or your religious practice/beliefs; that’s what the commenters are for. I totally support going to church and being part of a strong spiritual community as long as it’s not one of the churches that persecutes gay people.

So, that said: two services every Sunday is a LOT of church. Like, A LOT A LOT. If you get God’s word in the morning, I assure you that you don’t need a second serving in the afternoon, regardless of whether it’s football season. Missing the second service will not affect your entrance into heaven.

Could you have let her know ahead of time that things would change come football season? Well, yes, and that might have helped alleviate her anger now. But relationships involve compromise to allow for the space between two different people’s interests, and in this regard your girlfriend fails the reasonable person test. She’s lucky to have a man who will go to church with her on Sunday morning before football, and if she thinks that means you’re “choosing football over God and her” — apparently she and God are a package deal — I say let that broad walk and test the tiny-ass dating pool that suits her fickle standards.

Oh, and one more thing: NEVER say you’re okay with DVRing the games.