Ufford is still on his honeymoon until next week, so you’re stuck with Your Friendly Neighborhood Advice Ape for this installment of the mailbag. This week, we’ve have a nice mix of serious problems, the concerns of expecting parents that are out of my depth as well as routine mailbag whiny high schooler bullsh*t. Let’s get to it:

Dear Grand Zim Zam of the Vajayjay,

Fantasy first:

I work as a teacher in Korea. My office is mostly full of foreign riffraff and nobody is really interested in American football. There are about five Americans here who do want to do some kind of pool each week. I suggested we do a shitty quarterback pool. Where you choose the worst quarterbacks from the week before and then have a $10 buy-in. Each person gets one quarterback randomly and then whichever quarterback does the worst wins the pot. Any other suggestion for us? Something easy and understandable so that we may include as many people as possible even if they don’t really know or care about American football?

You could also do team-related things not necessarily related game results, such as which teams have the most turnovers or penalties. Or who has to punt more.

Sex second:

So I met this girl about a month ago and we really clicked. She is awesome. She has a great sense of humor. We share all kinds of interests. I don’t connect with people much, but with her it was so easy. We have been going out a lot since we first met and things were going awesome. Then all of a sudden last Sunday I got an email saying that she doesn’t want to meet anymore and no explanation. I was totally blown away and I tried and tried to contact her. Finally I get through and she tells me the reason she doesn’t want to see me anymore: She might be HIV positive.

She is a doctor. She has had a patient for the last three months who was HIV positive and she performed a lot of procedures on him. Apparently they only found out he was HIV positive recently. Well the thing is last week she cut herself while performing a biopsy on him. She told me that her viral load is pretty high and that’s about it. Asides from that she won’t give me any other details. She will know for sure whether she is positive in three months…

She is obviously in a really dark place right now. She won’t talk to me or see me or anything. I got to admit I am pretty scared too. I really like this woman, but she has got to be the most unlucky person I have ever met. Her last boyfriend committed suicide and then she got cancer and now this (Yeah, I know, it is fucked up). I don’t know what to do. I am not going to abandon her, but obviously if the test comes back positive in three months then I can’t be with her romantically anymore. She is scared of the test results, and she is scared I will abandon her. She wants to break up now, because she is afraid it will be worse if we wait three months. My question is what can I do? Even if she is positive I am not going to stop being her friend. But for now how can I support her and have my feelings reach her. Sorry for the length. I tried to be concise.

Regards,

One Sad Sack.

While it is best to at least suspend any sort of romantic relationship with this woman until test results are known, you can’t allow her to wall herself off from the world and wallow in depression. She will be resistant to communication in part because she believes she is protecting your feelings, but also because she doesn’t want to burden others with her problems. Nevertheless, you have to be persistent in letting her know that you will be there to give her support now and after the diagnosis, whatever it may be. You can’t allow her to close herself off to the world.

Sex: My wife is phenomenal. She’s hot, smart, and good to me. We’ve been married 3 1/2 years and are now trying to have a baby. I need a rundown of how she will act during the nine months of pregnancy. For example, when will her hormones turn her into a raging harpee? At what point does she become hornier than a polecat in heat? I get the sense that Magary probably has some insight into such questions.

Indeed. I consulted the KSK breeder brigade for their insight:

So sayeth Drew: “Depends entirely on the pregnancy. Some women have a rough one, some treat it like nothing.”

Flubby: “Regarding preggo sex, all I’m willing to say is that it will happen and it’s absolutely terrifying. If you refuse, she will first employ pleas to your sympathy. If that doesn’t work she will resort to threats, blackmail and deriding your masculinity. At no point will it be consensual. I’m still trying to repress certain memories. God help you.”

Fantasy: 14 team auction ($200) and keeper league. One guy killed the draft last year. He gets Cam Newton for $4, Matt Stafford for $11, A.J. Green for $13, and Arian Foster for $41. He’ll obviously make a lot of trades, but he’s the heavy favorite to win this year. My best move last year was drafting DeMarco Murray for $1. I then dropped him week 3. I am not good at fantasy.

I do, however, have Matt Ryan for $18 and Joe Flacco for $6. I have an offer on the rights to Ryan for $3. I’m considering keeping Flacco and moving all-in on Andrew Luck. The alternative is keeping Ryan, not keeping Flacco, and then picking up a non-top-14 QB for $1. What should I do?

It would help to know the rest of your roster, but I’ll assume yours is not anywhere close to the powerhouse that your leaguemate has put together. Going all-in on Luck is a risky venture, because you’re not only giving up on this season, but fucking yourself for years to come if he doesn’t live up to his potential. Also, you could get considerably more for Matty Ice than $3, considering that he usually gets valued for more than the $18 you spent to get him. It doesn’t make sense to get rid of Ryan in a firesale if you have to make a huge investment on a still somewhat risky commodity in Andrew Luck. If it’s possible to get Luck relatively cheap, it’d be better if you could dump Flacco.

Fantasy–
The day after our draft, our commissioner offered to trade me Megatron for Forte, straight up. I drafted Forte, Charles, Tiny Darren, Mike Bush, and The Garrette at RB. My top WR are Steve Smith & Maclin. I told him no, since this would render my handcuff pick of Bush (a major reach otherwise) as almost useless. Should I reconsider his offer?

I say take it. You still have two starting quality backs without Forte, plus your now iffy receiver corps instantly becomes very solid. Plus, a lot of people, myself included, would argue that Megatron is a more valuable player than Forte. If Forte gets hurt, you still have the handcuff. You can’t worry about how your picks will look when you’re offered superior value. Beyond that, I would be aggressive in the early part of the season on the waiver wire in search of another back, unless Blount actually miraculously proves himself useful.

Non-fantasy–No sex questions, I’m happily married. Are you, like me, completely turned off by any girl born after January 1, 1990? I’m not that old, but something about that number just makes me feel like a creep.

Thanks,

Kregg Blumpkins

Well, Kate Upton was born in 1992, so some folks around these parts might be inclined to disagree with you.

Speaking of:

Purveyors of Pigskin and Poon -

My questions seem to have a theme, which is why I seek objective and wise opinion.

Fantasy Football
I’m starting my third year in a twelve-team league which is entering its sixth season, made up of co-workers. The Commissioner just announced the draft date.

In the same email, for the first time keepers were proposed – based on final rosters from last season. I’m all for keepers, but think starting it right now isn’t the fairest approach. Right now, only four managers are saying “Yay”, but am I being whiny or is this a dick move to announce now?

Yeah, it’s unfair to propose keepers based on a previous season in which consideration for future years wasn’t part of your roster strategy. Also, if it’s the person who won the league proposing it, then it might be called a dick move. I would counter by saying that keepers should begin with a clean slate using this year’s draft.

Sex (Marriage)
I’ve been married 10 years. My best man and former coworker just got divorced when he found his wife was having an affair.

About six years ago at a work training conference, I cheated. We were young parents with the stress of a two-year-old, fighting over money, time, the post-honeymoon bliss was gone. There’s no excuses – I was drinking, the other person was also married and drinking, it was out of the area code, but it happened multiple times over two nights. I clearly did it on purpose in a passive-aggressive bullshit thing.

Eventually my wife and I did counseling, figured out a budget we could stick to, found ways to balance our time better, and had a second kid. We’re happy.

My best man was at the training and knows (or at least suspects). Given his own life change, he has been making comments since his divorce that he wished he had known sooner, that someone had told him, etc – guilt-trips that I should ‘fess up.

Things are good now. I know past advice to people cheating/considering cheating is to man up and end the relationship, but I see no point in dredging up six year old bad news and hurting the children. Nothing similar has happened since, nor have I put myself in the situation. So my question for an impartial, objective, non-interested party (which is partly begging for someone else to say “it is okay to lie by omission”) – am I justified to leave this buried, or just I rationalizing for myself?

Thanks,
Looking Out For #1?

You should tell your wife about the affair. Not because your friend will tell on you. He probably won’t, even if he plans to guilt the shit out of you about it a couple dozen more times. You should tell her because you owe her the truth, even if it means some conflict you could have otherwise skirted. As a selfish bonus, your conscience won’t be beating down on you quite as hard. Your friend might get off your case, as well.

Fantasy: Standard twelve team league, 1 x ppr and .25 x ppc (point per carry, which I like a lot). Lost in the championship game last year. We’re in our fourth year and we all get to keep three players from our previous rosters, no draft penalties. Basically my best options are Stafford, Jimmy Graham, Gore, and Roddy White. After that I’ve got a few middle tier guys: Maclin, Miles Austin, Cedric Benson (Packers can only help, right?), Shonn Greene. I’ve had Gore since the beginning and can never seem to find a better replacement keeper (he’s one that’s always really benefited from the ppc rule). They all come with questions and I know that Stafford will shatter like a Christmas ornament the second I announce him as a keeper, but I have to go with him, Graham, and Gore, right?

I have some concerns about Gore. Last year was the first season he stayed healthy for the whole year since 2006, plus the Niners brought on Brandon Jacobs and LaMichael James. Even though both sustained injuries in the preseason, they’ll be back to eat into Gore’s output by the time the regular season rolls around. So you might want to consider subbing Roddy, but it’s a tough call either way. I say Gore just because top-flight backs are harder to come by.

Sex: So i just signed a lease and i’m moving in with my lady of over two years this October. And honestly, I’m pretty pumped about it. We bicker from time to time, and I’m aware that certain things will be magnified with us both under the same roof, but I’m up to the challenge. We’re pretty good about talking through problems when one of us is pissed and respectfully working things out. We’re in our late twenties and it just feels like the right move. Plus we’ve got a kick-ass apartment. Great neighborhood in the city, plenty of restaurants/shops/bars in walking distance and, while we’ll share a bed, it has two bedrooms so we both have our own space.

Cue the problem: my girlfriend, we’ll call her “Suzy,” currently lives with her best friend, whom i’ll refer to as “Brenda.” They’ve lived together for three years in three different apartments, and have been close friends even longer than that. Even before Suzy and I decided to cohabitate, Brenda informed her that she was going to be moving back home to save some money while she finishes up grad school. But home is two hours away, and grad school is here. She’s in a pharm program where she only has classes on weekends, so she’s not commuting Monday-Friday, but naturally it’s still a pain in the ass. Now since our new place has two bedrooms, Suzy (after discussing it with me) offered to let her crash at our place on the weekends.

Now, to be clear, I do like Brenda. I consider her a friend and she’s also my girlfriend’s best friend. But as she was finalizing her fall schedule, she also discovered that she has to take a Thursday night elective too. So it’s looking like, more often than not, we’re going to have a third roommate Thursday-Sunday. Brenda’s on record as saying she doesn’t have to be here that whole time if it’s too much for us, she has other friends she can stay with too, etc. etc. By no means has she forced herself on us or made us feel like we owe her a bed for half the week as it was Suzy who first made the offer. But truthfully, this girl has put up with me basically being around ALL the time in their previous apartments, so I would feel kind of hypocritical about not being cool with it. I’m trying to look at this as positively as I can. Maybe if Suzy doesn’t feel like going out on a Saturday, her and Brenda can have their own “terrific lady day” and watch crappy romantic comedies with a bottle of wine while i’m out with the boys not feeling guilty about leaving my girlfriend home alone.

I really just don’t know how I should feel. I’m not angry or annoyed (at least not yet), but part of me just feels that this isn’t what I signed up for. This was going to be our own place, and now we’ve got a “Three’s Company” situation going on. If you’ve got any insightful feedback or suggestions as to how to best navigate this, I’m all ears.

Thanks Matt,

John Ritter
P.S. sorry to disappoint anyone that thought this was going to lead to a question about a menage a trois.

Like you said, you were all up in this girl’s place when you and “Suzy” were just starting out, so it’s only fair to tolerate her being in your space, within reasonable constraints, for a little while. You say she’s finishing up grad school, so this sounds like a scenario that might play itself out within a year. “Brenda” understands your situation and you’ve spent enough time around her to know she’s won’t be a disruptive force in your relationship. She will also probably go out with friends in her program on more than a few occasions and probably end up shacking up with them for the night. Yes, it sucks to lose that extra bit of privacy, but, as you mentioned, it could actually result in more time where you get to do typical dude stuff on the weekends, so consider it a small temporary trade-off.

O Captain, my Captain,

Fantasy: last year I was lucky enough to end up with a backfield of Matt Forte and Adrian Peterson, which helped carry me to the playoffs with only one loss. Of course, things didn’t really work out at the end of the season, but it was a pretty good result nonetheless. This year, however, I don’t think I’m going to be able to put together such a stud backfield. Who do you like to be a productive mid-round back?

I was able to get Willis McGahee in the 9th round of a draft the other day. I find a lot of people are undervaluing him because they presume, “Well, the Broncos have Peyton now, so they won’t be running the ball anymore.” I think that’s a little foolish, especially the concerns about Pey-Pey’s arm strength. Otherwise, I would keep an eye on what goes on with Beanie Wells returning tonight for Arizona. Ryan Williams could be a solid mid- to late-round grab if it keeps looking like he’ll emerge as the winner of that battle.

Sex (not really): I’m entering into my senior year of high school and have yet to have a relationship, or even a first kiss. The thing is, I consider myself to be a reasonably attractive guy, and other people have told me as much. This leaves me in an awkward position of being desperate while still feeling like I could do better.

Beggars can’t be choosers, except when they can.

/Peter King advice column

My problem started last year. I met a very attractive girl through a mutual friend and we really hit it off. I tried to not make any moves too quickly because she was coming out of a two-year relationship and “didn’t want to get involved with anyone” (in hindsight, this was probably not the best idea). Things were going along well until she suddenly told me that she no longer liked me. I was pretty hurt but attempted to maintain our friendship so as not to tear our friend group apart. Due to drama between another couple in the group, though, we ended up not seeing each other for almost the whole next year.

Christ. High school was the worst. Anyway, carry on:

Fast forward to about a week ago: we end up hanging out again and pick up right where we left off, with her being a bit flirtatious. She ends up telling me she still has feelings for me and I, half-telling the truth, say I feel the same way. The reason I say half telling the truth is because in the past year she has gained a lot of weight, to the point where I no longer find her physically attractive. The problem is, I still really like her as a person, and I would go out with her in a heartbeat if she looked the same as she did a year ago. I realize that normally the answer would be to forget about her and find someone who I was physically AND emotionally attracted to, but that isn’t easy for me. She was the first, and to this day the only, girl I have felt this strongly about. So what do you think, should I go for it just to get a relationship under my belt, try to help her lose the weight so that she looks like the girl I liked, or do something else entirely? And if the answer is forget her, any advice on how to get girls in high school for a guy who clearly has no idea what he’s doing?

Sincerely,
A dumbass teenager

Not sure what valuable experience you’ll be getting under your belt other than knowing what it’s like to force yourself to be with someone that you’re not actually interested in, which isn’t a terribly helpful or productive lesson to apply to future relationships. In the meantime – yes, I realize you’re young and deeply hormonal – but a little less desperation could do you wonders. Despite what you may believe, a lot of people haven’t punched their card by the end of high school and there isn’t any shame to it.