Let’s face it: you’re not gonna win your fantasy league. That’s okay. In most cases, it probably isn’t even your fault. Fantasy football is mostly just a crapshoot anyway. Now, if you can’t actually win your league, you might as well win the one thing you can fully control: who has the best fantasy team name. You can stake a claim to that right out of the gate. SEIZE IT.

As always, these suggestions are not for the faint. If you are faint, I don’t know what you’re doing here in the first place. Go be a pussy, pass out and die of anemia someplace else. The point of fantasy names is to be as funny as possible. Failing that, to be as horribly repellent as you can. We present you with an array of options to satisfy both criteria. Let’s begin:

Meat Jerking Beef Boys

Joey Ramone’s Gawky Corpse Spins

Paterno Corpse Pinata

Ann Romney Horsebang

Perverts for Krieger

Taco Briefcase

Sad Hipster MCA Circlejerk

Diabetes Repair

Unlimited Juice 

Tea For Dong 

New Fluffy Town Pillow Men 

Annie’s Backpack

Sandusky Gang Shower

Fuck You, Space

The Frotting Dead

Tickle Monsters

Rhythmic Slappers

Chinese Fung Wah Peehole

Instagram Cam Whores

Raped on the 4th of July

Justin Blackmon’s Flammable Breath

Forcible Sondheimization

Garrett Reid’s Unclaimed Speedballs

Derecho Farts

Aurora The Crowd

The Dark Knight Rises And Fires

Dot Tumblr Dot Com

Team Toasty Dick

Women Are Funny Vaginas

Precious Corgi Ejaculate

Jeff Blake, Who Lives At Home

Call Me Rapey

Sandusky Basement Twister

Smear the McQueary

10K Purists

Chickens Don’t Clap

Florio’s Uncredited Grave

Whitney Houston Bathtub Party

Chad’s Condom Receipts

Headbutters Can’t Ball

Lauren Tannehill’s Tannelines

Hot Sprots Takes Report

Boss Todd’s Bitchin’ Ride

AIDS Boogie

That’s a Clown Erection, Bro

Capt. Karl’s Power Moves

Kate Upton Queefs Rainbows

Chick-Fell-Ate

What’s a Cedilla, COOCH?

Sikh in the Head

Romney Dog Carsurfers

Magic Dyke

BORK LASERFACE

Gregggg’s Head Affecters

7-minute Crabs

Sean Payton Hottub Bukkake

Dan Rooney Lemon Party

Choosy Moms Choose GIFs

Montez’s Smoovies

Eight Win Dynasty

Game of Moans

Fetushead Piledriver

RGIII Cock Sock Cape

SPECIAL PETER KING LOFTY-ESQUE SUBSECTION

PK’s Dachau Dirt Dogs

One-Man Horse Race

Double-A Trenton Thundercunts

Allagash Gashes

First Grade Fantasyology 101

Usual All-Time Incongruity

EvoShield Quasi-Rape Van

Schiano Noodle Discipline

Call Me, MAYBE

Andrew Luck, Franchise Architect

[top pic via]