Well looky here. Your faithful mailbagger went and got hisself a YouTube show about fantasy football! There’s a corporate sponsor and everything, which means that it MUST be respectable. There’s more info on the show over at SB Nation; you can expect to see it here every week during the season.

Dear Fantasy-Poon Advisors,
Fantasy: Our league just died. I realized that last night when only six people had registered on time before the draft last night, and two teams were on auto-pick. This was a competitive league. We were a tight group of regular fantasy nerds, I was really surprised and am now left with a loaded team in a small, small league. Got any “it’s how you use it” advice for me in this small league? Or is it, at this point, appropriate to abandon ship and try and find something new?

A six-team fantasy league is an abomination before God. The league I’m in with some of my old Marines dropped to eight teams this year, and even that’s ridiculous. Ben Tate is the fifth running back on my depth chart.

Small leagues make you feel like a genius during the draft — “Oh my God, look at this kickass team I’ve got!” — but it’s all gone the instant you look at your opponents’ rosters and see that they all have murderer’s rows, too. Fantasy football will always be a mean motherfucker of random chance, but a small league essentially eliminates the user’s draft savvy and waiver-wire acquisitions from affecting the outcome, because every manager is stacked at every position.

Your league will be a farce this year, but that’s what happens when your lazy commissioner doesn’t check to see if anyone has actually signed up. Stick with this shitty year and recruit some new faces for next year.

Sticky stuff: Met a great girl, she’s 23 and I am 25 living in a new city for me (her home town). I asked her out at a restaurant and we’ve been at it for just over three months now. It started out fast, and has not let up.

She had a work-study about an hour and a half away for a month allowing us only weekends. She got back two weeks ago, and we sleep at each others’ places constantly now. The other night she confessed she is falling in love with me.

Awww, poor 23-year-old girl. This will only end in tears.

I told her the truth, that I have strong feelings for her. I don’t know really what love means, but my feelings are real. For me, I feel it’s too early to say “love.” I will tell her when it feels organic to me. I do want to love her (I didn’t tell her that).

Things are great/moving smoothly…But..I have this thought, this nagging, douchey thought: I am not going to be happy with one woman until I’ve done some more whoring and I am thirty. Maybe, putting it more gently, I just want to experience more variety until I am sure I know what I want in my better half.

She nails all my obvious check marks: smarter than me, beautiful, sweet, funny. I do have feelings for her, I don’t know how strong. I just don’t know if I am ready. This whoring-thought has rooted itself and I am beginning to feel a little distant.

Is the desire to sew wild oats a bunch of crap? I don’t want to pass up a great girl so I can have more meaningless sex with hot strangers (grass is always greener type shit). I’m so conflicted at times I imagine she isn’t as pretty as I once thought, and others I can’t believe how lucky I am. What the fuck am I doing to myself?
Sincerely,
Cutler-Face

This is a common feeling for men, and you have correctly assessed it as douchey. This is a curse of many men in their 20s: you have enough smarts and experience to appear to be a good guy, but in reality you are a poon-chasing douchebag. I’m here to tell you that it’s okay. I’ve been there.

However, you’ve made some critical errors in the way you think about things. First of all, as a single man, you should NEVER plan years ahead, because life will take one look at that plan, laugh, and fuck it to dust. How the fuck do you know you need five more years of sleeping around? What bullshit metric did you use to calculate that? “Well, if I sleep with one different woman a month for the next five years, I can end my single career having fucked 100 different women and be considered for the Poonhound Hall of Fame, at which point the right woman will be waiting to settle down with me.” Take that age 30 bullshit and throw it out the window.

Your girlfriend isn’t asking you for an engagement ring or a sperm sample, she’s merely sharing her feelings with you. I understand how that can be scary when you want to get out there and fuck other women, but what makes you ready to “settle down” isn’t years of successful whoring, but a variety of relationship experience (in fact, if all you do is whore around, you’ll never build the emotional maturity to do more than that). Just as you try different things in bed with different people to get an idea of what you want in a sexual partner, so too must you have actual relationships with women in order to figure out what you want in a wife. That way, when the right person comes around, you instantly know, “Hey! Being with this person is better than fucking hot strangers!”

SO. Either appreciate the woman you have and get the most out of the relationship for as long as you can, or break it off and go have sex with other people before she gets too attached. Or, putting it less gently, shit or get off the pot.

**********

Dear Sultan of Slits,

FANTASY FIRST: I’m in a 10 team auction/keeper (max 3 keepers/year) league with a 3 year limit on keepers. I kept AP this year for a couple of reasons:

- I did not want someone to pick him up for cheap, as 1/3 of our keeper valuation formula is based on last season’s cost.
– Assuming he is the freak he claims to be, the trade value for AP with a low price tag should be huge around week 3 or 4.
– Also assuming his freak status, I may have gotten a top tier RB for a relatively low price.

I also have McCoy (keeper) and drafted Tiny Darren (currently starting in my flex position). Obviously McCoy is a week one starter. However, without seeing AP make at least one cut, should I start Sproles at RB2 for week 1? How high are you on Sproles this year, and, although I love AP and the Vikes (/wrists), how low should I rate AP to start the season? If I start Sproles, is AP a decent flex play (I have B Lloyd on the bench)? Never thought I’d see the day where AP wasn’t a guaranteed start. Bummer.

The beginning of the season is always tough in this regard. I usually go with this rule: stick with your stars until they prove you otherwise. I’d start AP and Sproles.

SEXY TIME: Cock Rings! Have you used them?

No.

Would you recommend them? I don’t have any issues getting/maintaining an erection besides the times when I’m way too drunk to be any good in bed. I’m just curious if they actually feel better or if anyone has any experience with them.

Sincerely,
That Doesn’t Feel Like Your Finger

Lots of people have experience with them, and I’m sure many people have enjoyed them. Here’s the thing: if everything’s working and I’m enjoying sex, I don’t change anything. Sure, it’s fun to mix things up — a variety of scenarios and positions can keep things form getting stale — but I don’t experiment for experiment’s sake. Maybe I’m just boring (this outlook is probably why I have a limited experience with drugs), but I’d rather enjoy what I have than open the door to becoming reliant on some third-party piece of rubber.

But hey, don’t let boring ol’ Caveman get in the way of your rockin’ sex parties. The internet is your oyster.

**********

Not quite sex or fantasy, but kinda close and I appreciate the way you think, so figured I’d run it by you.
Woman first- I’m moving back home after 4 years away. The time away was used to hash some issues out, and I feel ready to head back. One of the things I’ve dealt with has been the guilt I’ve carried around for some of the poor decisions I’ve made; I’d hurt some people I’ve really cared about, and I felt like a shitty person because of it. One of the people I hurt was this girl I was dating years back when I was 18. To keep it simple- I had sex with her for the first time on her birthday, she left the party, I had sex with two other girls within a span of 8 hours. That’s not the kind of thing a good person does.

No, it’s the kind of thing an 18-year-old does. (And as 18-year-old accomplishments go, I have to say: pretty impressive. Getting laid once by one person is hard enough at that age.)

In the interest of brevity, a few years ago I finally found her online and reached out to apologize. She was very receptive, and in the ensuing couple of years we’ve formed a strong bond long distance. I’ve helped her through some tough times as best I could from afar, and she’s been someone I can be completely honest with, which I appreciate. She’s also got two kids by different men, one is in the picture, one isn’t. That’s some rough terrain to travel, and i speak that with some experience having been in a couple of relationships involving kids. When I go back, I expect we’ll get together sooner rather than later. I feel like I’m ready for this, although I also expect some of the cynics in my closer circle might not get it. So I ask you, as an unbiased stranger, am I right to feel good about this? There is a lot of potential for difficult times, but this girl has earned my love and loyalty, and I won’t watch her struggle like she has been.

Well, you’re asking a pretty cynical crowd. The whole “two kids by different guys” sets off my Hot Mess Alarm, so I can’t in perfect honesty say, “Haters gonna hate; it’s gonna be great!”

Of course, I don’t know the depth of your closeness with her or whatever else is going on in your respective lives that makes this something you’re so optimistic about, so you actually have a better idea of it than anyone in this forum. Still, I think you’re better off taking things slow and not getting ahead of yourself. It’s easy to make a deep connection with someone online, but that doesn’t always translate when you come face to face. Get excited for what happens, not what might happen.

Ffriends-

I guess this is a friendship column now? (*shrugs*) Okay.

I’m meeting my two best friends this weekend flying out to CO to have some fun (leaving Thursday if you think you can get the mailbag up early-ish).

Subtle hint received.

I’m telling them of my move back home (where they still are) and I’d like to do something nice to commemorate the occasion. Any gifts or appropriate meals/drinks you can think of? We’ll be in Denver if that helps; don’t think either of them have been there before, either.
-Homeward Bound

I’ve never really been a dude to give other dudebros gifts. Maybe a book here or there, a birthday bottle of booze… but nothing for special occasions. Save the monogrammed flasks for when they’re your groomsmen.

As for things to do in Denver when you’re dead-set on moving back home, I’m not the biggest expert on the city, but I can at least point you in the direction of a good soccer bar: The British Bulldog, which opens at 7 a.m. on the weekends to show EPL games. My college buddy Matt Newman runs the place pretty much all day, every day. Tell him Matt Ufford sent you, and you might not get a free drink, but with a free moment he may share a couple tales of my behavior 15 years ago. They will all be lies.

**********

Dear Opinion Giver,
Sex: Just out of a 2 year relationship. Ended for adult reasons (differing opinions on children and marriage) so its a weird, sad thing where we both know we can’t stay together even though there are still feelings there. However, the resulting singleness after 2 years in captivity has me wanting every girl alive to check out my junk. I honestly don’t want to hurt the ex emotionally at all, so what’s the proper grieving period before I’m allowed to go a little girl crazy? Word will get back to her through local gossips and it still almost feels like cheating?

Oh, shut up. It does NOT feel like cheating if you’re champing at the bit to get new women into bed.

As someone who’s not particularly sentimental, I’ve always HATED this notion that you need to wait around for the other person to stop crying before you start hooking up with other people. You BROKE UP, the relationship’s OVER, I say you call up a fuck buddy over as your new ex walks out the door. Time to celebrate, you know? Ugh, stupid weak people with their delicate “feelings.”

Unfortunately, not everyone’s as awesomely well-adjusted as I am, and so you’ll have to temper your desires with the feelings of your ex and the expectations of your circle of friends. Just pulling a random number out of my head, I’d say you should wait a month before you hook up with anyone, but that will probably still piss off or hurt your ex. ANY length of time will hurt or piss off your ex if it’s before she starts dating someone. Chances are she’s gonna be butt-hurt no matter what, so you might as well just wait as long as it takes to not look like a total asshole in the eyes of your mutual friends.

Football: I play in a keeper league where the player kept bumps up 2 rounds from where they were drafted the year before. I already know I’m keeping Antonio Brown in the 14th round. The dilemma is, with the drought of running backs this year, do I keep always injured Ryan Matthews in the 2nd round, or go value with also always injured Hakeem Nicks as a 5th rounder? Forte would be a first round keeper so I haven’t even considered him. Halp?
Thanks,
Some Dude

I like Forte in the first round better than Mathews in the 2nd, but I’d keep Nicks for a 5th rounder — he’s going in the 3rd round of most drafts right now.

**********

Dearest Caveman,
I hope your honeymoon went really well, and that you haven’t become horribly depressed upon returning.

Thanks! Kauai was fantastic. I mean, fucking LOOK at this place:

That place is just there, every day. Uninhabited by humans and impossible to see unless you have a boat, a helicopter, or a copy of Jurassic Park. I loved it, and I haven’t even been too depressed being back at work (it helps that work is thinking and talking and writing about the NFL and fantasy football all day). We’re still listening to the Hawaiian music Pandora station at dinner, though.

Fantasy first: An older colleague of mine recently asked me for fantasy help for his stupid no trade/pay per transaction league (as you said previously, why punish the more active owners?) Anyway, this year, his league unveiled the ultimate stupid rule change that I wanted to share: a team quarterback. So instead of drafting Brady, you draft ‘New England QBs’. My reaction was dumbfounded shock…as injuries are a huge (and arguably necessary) part of the game, I ask you: dumbest rule ever?

No, I don’t think so. I even see the sense in it: you can still start Drew Brees, and if he gets decapitated in the first quarter, your fantasy game isn’t totally fucked because you at least get Chase Daniel’s stats. I drafted Tom Brady in ’08, and you can bet your sweet ass I would’ve liked to have had Matt Cassel’s mop-up stats for the rest of Week 1. Same thing with Aaron Rodgers in Week 14 two years ago, when he got knocked out with a concussion in the first quarter and I lost my playoff game as a result.

Of course, it sounds and looks like you’re playing a shitty video game that couldn’t acquire licensing rights when you start “New England QB,” but I guess you’ll just have to get over that.

Sex (or not): I’m a 24 year old who has a great life apart from with the fairer sex. I don’t want to bore you, so here are (hopefully) only relevant details: I like my job, have great hobbies, am in good shape, and I have great friends and a wonderful family. I’m usually very confident except for when interacting with an attractive woman 1-on-1. This is mainly because, despite my better efforts, I’ve never had a serious relationship of any sort (I spent most of college hanging out with my awesome group of friends and **GASP** focusing on school).

I’m aware that the answer to building confidence is usually to just go out and get experience, but I’m not really at a point in my life where I am interested in hooking up with random girls at bars–that’s never been my style anyway. So I’m doing the online dating thing with mixed results, but progress is VERY slow. The reason I’m writing now is because after last week, all of my friends have now basically paired up, and to be honest, the loneliness is only increasing. I try to focus on the good parts of my life, but it’s not easy when everyone I know is talking about how wonderful their significant others are. Do you have any helpful advice?

-Jim Zorn

Hold on. You’ve earned a very small “fuck you” here. “Oh, excuse me for not having a relationship in college, I was focused on my incredible friends and the pursuit of education, UNLIKE EVERYONE ELSE.” A lot of people have great friends and good grades in college and still have serious relationships, so don’t act all high and mighty because you spent all your free time in a dark room playing video games with a bunch of dudes. College is as much a chance to develop social skills for adult life as it is to get a degree.

Anyway, possibly because of that, it seems to me like you’re just a little bit behind the curve when it comes to the ladies — that’s why things are progressing slowly. That’s how it works when you’re finding your way. Be patient, be confident, and be happy to be alone in between your online dates. It’s fantasy football time — the perfect time to stay inside and pore over stats.

***********

Caveman,
Fantasy: I just got screwed out of entering my yahoo draft (f*** yahoo) and actually ended up with a halfway decent team. We have a PPR league and I ended up with QB Cutler, WR Fitz, Harvin, Meachem, RB Mathews, Charles, and Jackson. I was thinking of trading Fred Jackson straight up for Brandon Marshall and was wondering if you had advice on whether that was a good call. I’m a little worried about Jackson’s age and health and I think Marshall and Cutler will rekindle the flame they had in Denver.

You have Ryan Mathews (starting the season injured) and Jamaal Charles (coming off a torn ACL) at running back, and you’re trying to trade away Fred Jackson for a wide receiver? Not how I’d choose to hedge my bets, but okay.

That said, I agree that Brandon Marshall will have a good season with Cutler throwing to him, and I DO think Marshall for Fred Jackson is a good trade — if you can swing it. I sure as hell wouldn’t give up Marshall for Fred.

Sex: Just started a long distance relationship with my longtime girlfriend. We are planning on visiting each other at least once a month and hopefully the long distance only lasts for about a year. My question involves Skype sex. I have partaken with previous girlfriends, but this one is very wary about it. She is afraid that hackers are watching our conversation and recording it without our knowledge, so she refuses to take off any particles of clothing. Do you know (or the commentariat) know if this shit is possible, or if there is any way to convince her that it is a secure conversation with no recording taking place?
Thanks,
Phone Sex Just Doesn’t Cut It

I did some Googling about Skype, and from what I can tell, it’s about as secure as a program can be — the only likely way hackers would get a hold of you guys masturbating to each other is if one of you has some kind of malware. Of course, you can always record your screen during the Skype sex, and if your computer ever gets hacked or stolen that file could slip into the wrong hands and end up online. (Maybe don’t tell her that part.) As with most things in a relationship, trust is key.

Anyway, this will all be moot in five years when every person on the planet has a sex tape that’s been leaked. I can’t wait for everyone to see my dong!