Todd Haley: You pukes got lousy attitudes but you do have some talent. The good news is attitude can be fixed. Part of why you act sh*tty is lack of respect for your coaching staff. My predecessor ate hog, so the team put on their big boy pants and called in Boss Todd to harness your full potential. Now that I’m here, you finally have a leader you can admire and respect. I can see the difference already. I notice the way you look at me and the way you look at my car. It is a badass car. Lay a finger on the paint and I WILL destroy you. It is a car that commands respect, just like I command respect. I also command results. You will perform out there on the field and I will get a raise so I can put in the custom engine I want.

Ben Roethlisberger: HI OFFENSE COACH. THE BEN WANT TELL YOU –

Haley: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, everybody. Hold the f*ck on. Number 7 must have found out when Jesus is making a return visit, because otherwise he’d know there’s no reason to ever interrupt Boss Todd when he’s coaching you up. Please, Number 7, share this earth-shattering news with the group so we can start preparing for the end of days.

Roethlisberger: HI OFFENSE COACH. THE BEN WANT TELL YOU THAT HE GOTS OWIE IN SHOULDER SPOT BUT OWIE NOT SO BAD THAT THE BEN NOT GONNA FOOTBALL. THE BEN TOUGH. THE BEN PLAY WITH OWIE ALL THE TIME. [Smacking throwing hand against helmet] THE BEN TOUGH! THE BEN TOUGH! THE BEN TOUGH!

Haley: That’s tremendous. Big round of applause for the gutty warrior, guys. C’mon! Let’s hear it. We’ll see if we can’t get a Purple Heart for him by the end of the day. I SAID CLAP!

[Group claps insincerely]

Roethlisberger: THANKS TEAM. THAT VERY NICE.

Haley: THEY DON’T MEAN IT! IT’S A FAKE CLAP, YOU BLOATTARD. Everybody plays hurt. We all take our licks. You see this arm?

Roethlisberger: THE BEN SEE ARM

Haley: I’ve had my share of accidents. Just happens when you live life hard. I must have broken this thing eight times, never gone to the hospital once. Never healed right. I actually can’t raise it any higher than this. Gives me pain every single day. Hurts like hell even to do this. And I’ve never told a solitary person about it until right now. ‘Cause I’m not some primadonna who needs attention all the time. Is that what you are? Is that what you want?

Roethlisberger: YES THE BEN ATTENTION YES TOUGH BEN ATTENTION

Haley: Ughhhhhh. All right. Boss Todd’s gonna grab a smoke. I want non-stop wind sprints until I get back. If I see one of you dogging it, I’m gonna tear you a new asshole. That’s a promise.

[Walks over to adjacent practice field]

Haley: Hey there, Skip. Don’t wanna tell you how to run your team, but that goon over there, Number 7, he’s got a real attitude on him. Just between us, he might not be down with the bruthas, if you catch my drift. I don’t care if he’s touched in the head – I got a niece who’s a little Down’s-y so I’m not prejudiced or anything – but I just don’t see him working in this system. Now, what you’re gonna want to do is let me bring in one of my guys. You might get hammered a little bit in the media, but trust me – 35 points per game. MINIMUM. And that’s only if we start pulling guys after three quarters. Which we won’t.

Mike Tomlin: Ben’s our starting quarterback. I suggest the two of you work out whatever disagreement you have. I will speak with Ben separately.

Haley: Sure thing, Skip. Whatever you say.

[Walks back to offense]

Haley: I got some bad news, ladies. Sounds like this year is gonna suck after all. Just the way it is. Could have been great, but it turns out your head coach is a huge control freak and kind of a reverse racist. Hurts me to say as much as it hurts you to hear it. I say we save each other some time and pack it in. Anyone wants me, I’ll be applying a fresh coat of wax to the Camaro. BOSS TODD, out!