“Tongue! Use more tongue!” -Former Vice President Al Gore

Imagine for a moment that you are running for President. Horrifying, I know, but it’s happening, so you must pick a running mate. Do you go with an experienced politician or public servant of some kind? Of course not. You read KSK, which means you’d obviously pick somebody from the NFL world.

For the purposes of this scenario you may ignore pesky official rules like the minimum age requirement and the even peskier unofficial requirements like a college degree (in something other than communications). Anyone directly involved in professional football is eligible, so choose wisely. You’ll need somebody good if you want them to pander better than Paul Ryan.

With the first pick I’m taking Robert Griffin III. Not only does he have a politician’s name, but he also possesses a degree in political science. Sure he gaffed once already, but who hasn’t slipped up and used the word “retarded” as an adjective in the middle of a press conference? Not Joe Biden, probably.