Josh Freeman transformed almost overnight from a promising young quarterback to Jewfro sh*tpile and yet still no one cared. Nevertheless, Tampa went out and signed a small army of high-priced free agents to go along with a new taskmaster head coach from Rutgers who of course is yet another double agent of Belichick.
Five Fast Facts About The Buccaneers:
– Aqib Talib has 138 handguns stashed in the Raymond James Stadium pirate ship.
– The most appropriate joke for LaGarrette Blount is to be too lazy to come with a punchline. Or actually punch someone, I guess. [Swings at stranger] “LOL LAGARRETTE BLOUNT”
– Remember Peter King informed us that Greg Schiano once severely dressed down someone at Rutgers for serving the team the wrong type of pasta noodle, so he’s probably the most Belichickian Belichick disciple to date.
– Drake Dunsmore might be my current favorite NFL name.
– Have you seen how bad Jeremy Trueblood has been this season? #HBOJokes
Notable acquisitions: Vincent Jackson, Carl Nicks, Doug Martin, Dallas Clark, Eric Wright, Mark Barron
Notable departures: Kellen Winslow Jr., Earnest Graham, Jeff Faine, Albert Haynesworth, Tanard Jackson
Vegas win total over/under: 6 wins
KSK verdict: OVER
Fantasy player you’ll want to dig at with rusty hooks: Doug Martin
The hot sleeper du jour is Doug Martin. So du jour, in fact, that he doesn’t even count as a sleeper anymore because lots of people are already drafting him way, way too high. I did a fantasy draft last night and Martin was taken 13th overall, which is just disgusting. I also feel like Vincent Jackson deserves a mention here, but I already took him way, way too high in one league and would prefer to wait a few weeks into the season to start complaining about his lack of production.
Fan forecast, by KSK kommenter Small Man on Campus:
There is one thing I can guarantee you about the 2012 Tampa Bay Buccaneers season: it will not be the “bes”. What is the best however, is the above song. Go listen to it. Please. This is GMCfosho’s (GMC) lasting masterpiece. I would even say it is more interesting than the 2012 Bucs season. I shall now compare them for you lovely gentlemen and hypothetical ladies.
The music video. Let’s break it down:
0:00 He stands alone on top of his car with a shitty MS Paint woman and the best MS Paint sun I have ever seen.
0:26 An image of what I can only presume is a friend ninja-kicking his way across the screen appears while tastefully naked
MS Paint woman shrinks into the car. Hands also appear out of the two back seat windows of the car.
0:32 As quickly as they appeared, the hands move back inside the car. 0:49 We start to see the breadth of GMC’s special effects budget, as we see a fire engulf him.
0:54 GMC starts to move. I die a little bit inside.
0:57 – 1:11 Pictures of men playing … something? cycle in the bottom corners of the screen.
1:14 A hand appears from the driver’s seat window and hands GMC an unidentifiable object
1:23 A LIGHTSABER STARTS FLOATING TOWARDS HIM.
1:44 The rear doors are now opening and two figures have emerged from the car as images of people saluting fly up from the bottom of the screen. The images have the word “swag” attached at the bottom.
2:07 Ninja-kicker goes across the other way, except engulfed in flame this time.
2:25 – 3:46 The two men have a sword fight. This is really happening.
3:30 GMC puts on a crown, BECAUSE HE IS THE KING OF RAP.
3:46 The video ends mid-scene, because GMC don’t give a single fuck. Oh, and the sun’s animation is off juuuuust enough to the point where it’s awesome again.
The beat. It’s hypnotic as fuck, and the fact that he throws “swag swag swag swag swag swag” and “swag” in there every so often makes it even better.
The lyrics. Choice examples include:
“My car move | when I ain’t drivin’ it | My car pool | It’s got a slide in it.”
“Went to Maury and he said that baby ain’t mine | Just for lying I threw that dumb skank on top of a mine | NOW THAT KIDS AN ORPHAN | AND I’M DA BES | That’s a checkmate | We playin’ chess”
And much much more.
The closed captioning. All of the words are hilariously misspelled none more than arthritis, er, araseeddfasdis.
The description. It “took a minute to get this one up cuz SOMEONE ON THIS STREET CALLED THE POLICE ON US, AND TO THAT SOME1 (IF YOU WATCHIN THIS VIDEO, WHY YOU HATIN?) EITHER WAY, I JUST SAID F IT, WE AINT GET ALL THE SHOTS WE WANTED, BUT WHATEVER, WE STILL GO HARD.” Emphasis his, not mine.
I don’t like the name GMCfosho. I have decided to suggest that he rename himself “DA BES” but I understand if he doesn’t want to pigeonhole himself.
I feel like that sword fight went on too long.
This offseason, they signed Vincent Jackson and Carl Nicks.
Hey, Josh Freeman might turn it around! Right? Right?
First-round running backs have never failed ever.
They may be the all name team. LeGarette Blount, Tiquan Underwood, E. J. Biggers, Mossis Madu, Da’Quan Bowers. Michael VanDerMeulen. Microsoft Word* recognizes three of those as names.
Well, the defense sucks.
The offense is pretty shit too.
I don’t think Greg Schiano was a good coaching hire.
“Hey that’s four pros and three cons,” you may be saying to yourself, “surely those dastards will be all right after all.” You, kind sir or madam, are wrong. The Bucs suck. They likely will next year too. Best case is 7-9 or 8-8. Worst case is the worst record in the league.
Now, which one was more fun to read about?
*Peter King would like to apologize on my behalf for the excessive Microsoft whoring, except that he believes that my Microsoft whoring served to remind everyone how Microsoft is a quasi-outstandingish OS.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.