The 2011 Giants did that thing the Giants do where they squeak into the playoffs, win some road postseason games (preferably including one in Lambeau) then beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl. Recent trends dictate that they will now secure homefield advantage in the NFC playoffs, only to lose their first playoff game to the Eagles. And the cycle begins anew.

Five Fast Facts About the Giants:

– Bear Pascoe crap in the woods.

– Justin Tuck said that he contemplated retirement last season. Then he found out what a badass facemask he’d be getting and decided to stick around.

– No way any Eagles fan makes a suggestive reference to Eli Manning being depicted as a fairy in DirecTV commercials.

– Shaun Rogers has already been ruled out for the season because of a blood clot. Chances are that clot is almost entirely gristle.

– The MattressGate scandal would have gotten more traction were it not for the Giants training camp leading the league in quasi-anonymous-ish-ness.

Notable acquisitions: David Wilson, Martellus Bennett, Shaun Rogers (womp womp), Chris Horton, Dante Hughes

Notable departures: Brandon Jacobs, Mario Manningham, Aaron Ross, Jake Ballard

Vegas win total over/under: 9.5 wins

KSK verdict: OVER

Fantasy player you’ll want to dig at with rusty hooks: Ahmad Bradshaw

As someone who drafted Bradshaw in two leagues last year coming off a 1,200-yard season in 2010, only to watch him be hurt and mostly useless, I’d just like to wish a rectal prolapse on the guy. Of course, now that Jacobs is gone and I’m staying away on principle, no doubt Bradshaw will be a standout statistical back once more. The Giants did take a running back in the first round, but even if they eventually do split carries, it likely won’t be right away.

Fan forecast, by Twitter wag and SBNation contributor, Bobby Big Wheel:

For this feature, I decided to go back in time and ask the 1999 version of myself to preview a Giants team that just won a Super Bowl:

Quarterback:

Wait, you’re telling me we have a franchise quarterback? Like, I don’t have to talk myself into Kent Graham or Dave Brown or Danny Kanell any more? Oh man, that is AWESOME. And he’s Archie Manning’s son? Oh well, I’m sure that he’s talented on his own. I mean, just because your dad did OK at a job doesn’t mean that you’re automatically qualified to do the same job.

Wide Receiver/Tight End:

Whoa, we have wide receivers and tight ends! Like, Ike Hilliard was OK, but he wasn’t a Pro Bowler or anything. And you’re telling me that Brian Dawkins ruined Ike with a cheap shot? Yeah, that makes sense, but it’s not like the Eagles have had a decent quarterback since Randall Cunningham left.

Running Back:

You mean Joe Montgomery didn’t make the Hall of Fame? WEAK. This team has yet to find a back that can fill Rodney Hampton’s sizable shoes.

Offensive Line:

We don’t have Luke Petitgout any more? Oh man, that is fantastic. Having Luke Petitgout as your left tackle is like using Saran wrap as a condom. Also, I have no idea that condoms ruin sex.

Defensive Line:

You can’t use a first round pick on a defensive lineman, just look at Cedric Jones! Oh wait, Jason Pierre Paul is a beast man who picks his teeth with the bones of Cowboys quarterbacks never mind.

Linebacker:

Well I figured this team had to have a weak spot. I just wasn’t expecting it to be linebacker. Though If we used to have a linebacker who played games on crack I suppose we can have one who plays games on anti-cancer meds.

Defensive Backs:

There sure are a lot of guys here, I just hope we figure out a good way to fit them all in. By the way, I’m totally going to fit in by listening to a lot of Dave Matthews Band, growing a soul patch and playing lacrosse. I won’t regret any of those things, right?

Coach:

Oh, I kind of miss Jim Fassel. He was like your friend’s cool dad who lets you drink beer. I mean, it’s not like that dad will divorce his wife to live with a girl that used to date one of my lacrosse teammates.

Also, WE JUST WON THE FUCKING SUPER BOWL! Oh man, that’s better than masturbating to the Spice Girls.