The Patriots once again lost in the Super Bowl to the Giants thanks to yet another late 4th quarter comeback drive orchestrated by Eli Manning. And there was a great rejoicing. Since then, the Patriots have been mostly busy getting trying to suppress the events of the Summer of Gronk, as well as signing eight thousand other tight ends.
Five Fast Facts About The Greatriots:
- Josh McDaniels has returned to the fold to once again take credit for Tom Brady being good. You know the world isn’t fair when McDaniels gets this job again, while Bill O’Brien get the privilege of sorting out the rubble of Sandusky’s Naked Puzzle Basement.
- The Patriots recently signed Olympic sprinter Jeff Demps, which excited Pats fan until someone suggested he might take Julian Edelman’s roster spot. NO DAHHKKIIEE, NO MATTAH HOW FAST HE RUNS FROM THE CAWPS, CAN REPLACE JEWKAH! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
- Bob Kraft’s next screen test will involve donkey punching a 16-year-old virgin in a Tebow jersey while Gronk takes her over a Dunkin Donuts counter.
- George R.R. Martin said the Patriots are the Lannisters of the NFL, which hopefully means The Rog is mere days away for banning them all for life in a ruinous team incest scandal.
- Wes Welker spent the off-season getting married, having a hair transplant and being thrown out of wine festival in Aspen. Wes Welker is everyone’s seediest uncle.
Notable acquisitions: Brandon Lloyd, Dont’a Hightower, Chandler Jones, Jabar Gaffney, Visanthe Shiancoe, Jake Ballard, Daniel Fells
Notable departures: BenJarvus Green-Ellis, Chad Johnson, Mark Anderson, Kevin Faulk, Gary Guyton
Vegas win total over/under: 12 wins
KSK verdict: PUSH
Fantasy player you’ll want to dig at with rusty hooks: Brandon Lloyd
The Patriots passing game runs through its tight ends. They have arguably two Top 5 fantasy tight ends on one team. Of course, with how prolific the passing attack is, anyone slated to be a starting receiver opposite Welker is thought to be a great fantasy option, but that hasn’t really been the case in a while. New England brought Deion Branch back two years ago and he and his stupid perm have had middling production. They took a chance on Ocho last year and he was a huge bust. Now it’s B-Lloyd, whose one good season in his 10-year career came while paired with famed shitheel Josh McDaniels, so surely he’ll be great again.
Fan forecast, by the the real life Tommy from Quinzee:
Shirts off to the Pats-
Hey, you know what’s fackin awesome? This Patriots team. Last year we were one stop/one lucky ass Luigi Manningham circus catch away from havin as many Supah Bowl Rings as tha amount of beers I chug in my funnel all at once (That’s foah for all you tahds that don’t know how we do it in the Q.) And that was with tha Gronk playin wit a broken dick from runnin with TFQ. Now this year they went on a shoppin spree like that time we left Grandma (God rest her soul) home alone watchin QVC.
Remembah what happened last time Brandon Lloyd (What the fack is wit the 2 Ls? He ain’t spanish. We call him Loyd in tha Q) was teamed up with Belichick’s Golden boy McDaniels? Well let me tell ya. He had a staggerin 1448 receivin yads while leadin tha league wit 18.8 yads per catch. Yup Tommys fackin pumped!! Oh and don’t forget he had that bum Kyle Orton throwin him tha ball that year. Just imagine what will happen with Brady at the helm, who just happens to be the best quarterback in the history of the game! With Loyd, Welkah, Branch, Stallworth, and the two-headed Monstah that is Gronk-nandez, the “otha” Tommy has more to look at than my Uncle Charlie at that playground he’s always hangin at. Creep show tha peepshow get ya head right and tighten shit up.
“Okayy Okayyyy”, The defense last year had more holes than my favorite blow up doll, but the all knowin Yoda-Belichick will use the force to fix that shit right up. Trust and believe tha defense we see this year will have a swagga all its own. We got good middle linebackahs for the first time since the Beast known as Bruschi and that tradah Vrabel where patrollin the middle of the field down at the Boro, plus neitha of those guys eva had the stones to get a BJ on camera like my boy Brandon Spikes. Combined with supah stud OJ-Mayo, (also two of ya boy Tommy’s favorite dishes) and that guy Hightowah from those police academy movies, we got the core of our ‘D’ back. And Tommy knows core strength, just ask ya mama she’ll tell ya.
So what do ya get when ya combine a sick defense and unfaih offense with an evil genius who dresses like Friah Tuck? You get the next Supah Bowl champs. Yah I said it, but I’m no Bobby V (He shoulda been slapped when he said that about the shitty disappointin Sawxs this year.) Someone needs to shut his mouth or I will fill it wit my jock strap! But that’s anotha story for anotha time. Keep ya heads up and ya eyes open when you head to tha thaRough Boro this year. Cuz you already know ya boy Tommy from Quinzee will be there strikin “tha pose,” chuggin 40’s, shirt off chearin on the Pats and THAT’S THAT!!!!!!
I want more like this!
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