The Vikings tried to make an honest go of it through most of 2011 with Donovan McNabb under center, which went about as well as you think have expected. After a 1-5 start, Christian Ponder was given the reins. Ponder had brief flashes of competence, broken up by much longer stretches of ineptitude and interceptions. All seemed lost, then Adrian Peterson’s knee got blown out and things were much, much loster. But at least the team will now remain in Minnesota, which means something. Though probably not something good.
Five Fast Facts About The Vikings:
– If you look at Toby Gerhart in the eyes for 20 seconds, you will have wasted 20 seconds in a very uncomfortable way.
– Everson Griffen’s favorite Tony Scott movie is “Unstoppable”. What an asshole.
– Jerome Felton made headlines by getting arrested in a McDonald’s drive-thru back in June. Jared Allen will try to match that by getting popped at a Cabela’s parking lot.
– Chris Kluwe said during a chat on Deadspin that Vikings teammates call Adrian Peterson “Purple esus”, though mostly to bust his balls. Good enough for us.
– When the moment comes where Jerome Simpson tries to hurdle a defender, gets upended and lands on his head, the NFL has press release ready explaining how they’re not liable for turf-related deaths.
Notable acquisitions: Matt Kalil, Harrison Smith, Jerome Simpson, Jerome Felton, John Carlson, Geoff Schwartz
Notable departures: Visanthe Shiancoe, Steve Hutchinson, Cedric Griffin, E.J. Henderson, Donovan McNabb
Vegas win total over/under: 6 wins
KSK verdict: UNDER
Fantasy player you’ll want to dig at with rusty hooks: Adrian Peterson
Purple Jesus is pressing his return from a torn ACL and MCL in his left knee. He’s insisting that he plans to play Week 1 and very well could. Leslie Frazier indicated that Peterson could play as soon as Friday’s preseason game against the Chargers. This while Vikings defenders are still prohibited from touching him in practice. Where Peterson goes in any given drafts might be harder to determine than any other high-profile player this year, though from what I’ve seen, late second, early third round seems to be the norm. Even if Purple G is slowed for a few weeks early on, it’s worth it if his production is anywhere near where it used to be the rest of the season. This smacks of a situation where Peterson is trying to come back too quickly and ends up losing most of this season as a result.
Fan forecast, by KSK kommenter Yeah, Right:
“You learn about loss, Counselor”
As a fan of the Vikings you learn about loss early and often. Even to non-fans, just a few words can sum up some of the more tragic losses in Vikings history.
“The Hail Mary” – Fuck you Pearson, you pushed off!
“Gary Fucking Anderson” – Drew has covered this extensively.
“The Hail Mary II – Arizona style”. * Which knocked us out of the playoffs
“12 men on the field”.
I was born the same year that the Vikings came into the league. Around 8-years-old as I became a football fan, I decided I needed a team to follow. I have three older brothers who each had their own team and there was no way in Hell I was going to pick the closest NFL team, because fuck the Rams, that’s why. I started watching this team that played in the ice and snow with no gloves, no heaters on the side-line and a bad ass coach who refused to allow the cold weather to impact the team. These bastards were tough. I can admit there was a little band wagon hopping, shit I was just a kid and these guys were kicking ass! I watched as they got all the way to Super Bowl IV as two touchdown favorites, only to get their ass handed to them by the Kansas City Chiefs – you’re welcome, Otto.
This was only the beginning.
Three additional big games brought about the same results. 0-4.
Zero and fucking four! Thank Christ the Bills came along and took some of the ignominy off of us.
It’s not really fair to complain too much because honestly this has been a pretty successful franchise. Frequent division winners, a history of ass-kicking defensive lines and generally a pretty solid history.
I swear to God we never should have signed that creaky old fuck-up from Green Bay. That was not supposed to happen. Now karma or The Football Gods (as Gregggg would say) has exacted its payback. We are going to suck hard for a long time.
* A little personal background. I was at the the Arizona hail mary game. seats at the 50 yard line in the club level at Sun Devil stadium. I took my girlfriend and we booked a room for a couple of nights and I had reservations for a nice celebration dinner afterwards. I was sitting next to a fellow Viking fan during the ill-fated last second pass from Josh fucking McCown and as the refs signaled touchdown, he just stood up, nodded his head a couple of times and with a half smile patted me on the shoulder and walked out. I drove back to LA immediately after the game without even bothering to check out of our room.
My best friend is a Packer fan. I’ve known him for over 30 years. When we were younger we talked about seeing our teams play each other one day. We would go the Lambeau one year and go the Minnesota another year. After over 2o years of planning, we finally made it happen. A few years back we went to Lambeau and I saw us get fucking demolished 33-0. Not so much fun. A couple of years later we made the trip to the Metrodome for the home and home conclusion to our life long dream. 35-3 Packers. This was the last game before the roof collapsed and we fired coach Chilly before I woke up the next morning. That’s a 68-3 total for the two games I had been planning since 1983.
As a fan I’ve probably seen the Vikings play about 20 times live in about ten different stadiums, of those twenty games the Vikings won four.
As far as outlook for this year, I’ve seen every snap that our first round QB from last year has taken and I am not sold. Not sold at all. We had a decent draft. Getting Kalil for a long term left tackle should be solid and I fucking love our pass rush. I’m guessing 5-11 this year. Best case for this years team would be 9-7 and just missing the wild card. Worst case would be 3-13 again. However! I would look forward to another losing season because maybe we could draft Matt Barkley to team up with his old left tackle and start a real potential turnaround. Because the way I look at it, this current team is not a potential dynasty in the making.
Finally, back to loss. I have come to terms that there is a distinct possibility that I may go to my grave without watching my team win the big one and while this would indeed suck much dick, it’s what you sign up for the second you become a Minnesota Vikings fan.
I forgot to mention, I’m also a Chicago Cubs fan.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.