The Dolphins started last season 0-7, then eked out six wins against teams that didn’t make the playoffs. Matt Moore was actually shockingly competent for them in the second half of the season, but Miami was in a big rush to make a splash to get a franchise quarterback, but not enough of one to trade up for RGIII or Andrew Luck. So they reached for Ryan Tannehill with the eighth pick. They also made a sincere efforts to get Jeff Fisher and Peyton Manning, but they were all, like, haha, no thanks.
Five Fact Facts About The Dolphins:
- If you think of the Dolphins as a dumpster fire, Cameron Wake is the dumpster, the one solid thing holding it all together.
- Hard Knocks has spurred the question of who has the hotter wife, Ryan Tannehill or Jake Long? This will be the lone non-excruciatingly negative Dolphins talking point of the season.
- One of the show’s underdog stories is Chris Hogan, a former college lacrosse player. If the Dolphins decide to keep him, the Patriots may offer multiple first-round picks for whiteness of that caliber.
- With Vontae, the Dolphins didn’t get the most talented of the Davis brothers, but at least it wasn’t the one charged with first-degree murder.
- Serena Williams appears in one of the ads promoting the league’s new line of women’s apparel. Serena with the “It’s My Team” slogan makes it look like she’s promoting a line of NFL owner’s apparel, though there’s a marked shortage of ivory back scratchers featured.
Notable acquisitions: Chad Johnson, Ryan Tannehill, David Garrard, Gary Guyton, Legedu Naanee, Richard Marshall
Notable departures: Chad Johnson, Brandon Marshall, Yeremiah Bell, Chad Henne, Will Allen
Vegas win total over/under: 7.5 wins
KSK verdict: UNDER
Fantasy player you’ll want to dig at with rusty hooks: Reggie Bush
Because he’ll be the only Dolphin player you’ll, however reluctantly, even consider picking up, with the remotely possible exception of Dan Carpenter, just because Miami won’t be scoring any touchdowns. Reggie had a career year in 2011, but that was done mostly to lure you into a false sense of Reggie Bush adequacy so he can follow it up with a 450-yard season with one touchdown and eight fumbles.
Fan forecast, by UPROXX colleague and occasional KSK contributor, Burnsy:
When I was 8-years old, Bill Bidwell moved the St. Louis Cardinals football franchise to Phoenix, Arizona and I was crushed. I remember thinking, “How the hell could they just up and move a franchise from my home city?” because I didn’t give a crap about the bevy of franchises that had previously broken the hearts of millions by moving to other cities. I was 8. All that mattered was me.
My dad was pretty pissed about it, too, so he told me, “From here on out, until Bill Bidwell sells that team and his pathetic family’s stink that is suffocating that franchise with their cheap bullshit is gone, we will be Miami Dolphins fans.” And I thought that was cool, because we lived in South Florida, all my friends liked the Dolphins, and the Dolphins had Dan Marino, Mark Duper, and Mark Clayton. I was 8. Turns out I didn’t know shit.
First of all, Dan Marino and I will never be friends. I hate throwing the word worship around nonchalantly, but I basically had the guy on a pedestal for so many years until two things happened. One, I saw him eating by himself at Dan Marino’s Town Tavern in Coral Springs, and I asked him for his autograph on a napkin. Twenty-some-odd years later, I understand that he said no, because the dude was trying to eat. But two, my mom, an emergency room nurse for many years, saved his mom’s life, and she asked him for an autograph for me, her son and his biggest fan, and he said no. Dan Marino is a dick.
(My mom saved Steve Guttenberg’s mom’s life, too, and he was super cool. I didn’t want his autograph so she didn’t ask for it, but the Gutt will always be top notch in my book.)
I also went to middle and high school with Mark Duper’s daughter, and she slapped me. Twice. Just re-telling these stories, I’m not even sure how I’m a Dolphins fan. But I am, because sports make us rise above the assholes and stand for what we believe in. I believe that the Dolphins should be a great team at least once before I die. Many people think that I, understandably, am an idiot.
Then you look at this year’s team – Chad Johnson was arrested for head-butting his wife after he found a receipt for condoms in her purse. That’s pretty much the Dolphins in a nutshell. It’s an endless parade of quarterbacks and wide receivers for an offense that can never find an identity. What the hell do we even have to look forward to for this season? Not much, but allow me to reach:
1) The Ryan Tannehill Experience is not ready to begin, despite what anyone says. He should not play in the regular season at all. I like the Tannehill pick and I’d like to see him not become John Beck. That said, I expect him to start Week 1.
2) Reggie Bush is coming off the best season of his NFL career, and I can’t remember the last non-Kardashian tabloid rumor that I’ve heard about the guy. That’s a very good thing. I’m worried, though, that one injury could lead to a Kanye West feud.
3) Another losing season means more time for Stephen Ross to find more dipshit celebrities to sell 1% ownership shares to. Celebrities joining the Dolphins this season will likely include Dane Cook, Kris Jenner, Turtle from Entourage, Jim Carrey, Michael Bay, the Insane Clown Posse, and those two foppish teens that Drew Magary hates so much. The Brant Brothers. Yeah, they’ll fit right in.
4) Davone Bess will have 342 receptions for 216 yards.
5) Brian Hartline will have 3 awesome receptions and 12 decent enough catches.
6) Joe Philbin will constantly ask reporters to repeat themselves in post-game press conferences because he’ll be imagining himself back in Green Bay.
7) Marc Anthony will sing the National Anthem and then sleep with every cheerleader. J-Lo will respond by marrying a Cuban toddler.
8) Lamar Miller might be decent. I think.
That’s it. I can’t even pretend to think of anything else. The 2012 Miami Dolphins, your eventual No. 2 draft pick, because somehow they’ll screw up getting the No. 1 pick.
I want more like this!
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