The 2011 Chiefs got off to about as dreadful a start as a team can, losing a passel of starters to injury and being outscored 89-10 in their first two games. Kansas City didn’t really rebound, but still claimed the lone regular season victory over the Packers. They also almost denied Tebow a playoff appearance with a Week 17 win, but the Broncos squeaked into their division title finish anyway. The Chiefs’ defense played well for Romeo Crennel late in the year, making for hope that the team could be a threat with seemingly half the roster returning from injury.
Five Fast Facts About the Chiefs:
- Tony Moeaki hides his “Moesha” DVDs inside Criterion Collection cases.
- Beyond the reunion with Todd Haley, the Week 10 game in Pittsburgh should be interesting because of Peyton Hillis blowing up Heinz Field.
- Back in May, Jamaal Charles said, “When I touch that field again, you’re going to feel my pain.” So apparently he’s going to give me mutant empath powers. Pretty sweet.
- Dontari Poe gave Roger Goodell a kiss at the NFL Draft. The only possible explanation is that Poe is ILLUMINATI.
- Eric Berry is primed to return to the field from injury. The literary world won’t soon recover from the loss of his prolific contribution to the arts.
Notable acquisitions: Eric Winston, Peyton Hillis, Dontari Poe, Kevin Boss, Abram Elam, Brady Quinn
Notable departures: Brandon Carr, Le’Ron McClain, Kyle Orton, Jackie Battle, Leonard Pope
Vegas win total over/under: 8 wins
KSK verdict: OVER
Fantasy player you’ll want to dig at with rusty hooks: Peyton Hillis
Even with Haley gone, there’s a better than slight chance that Jamaal Charles gets a half-dozen rushing touchdowns usurped by the guy replacing Thomas Jones on the team’s trademark vulture back position.
Fan forecast, by KSK’s most celebrated kommenter, Otto Man:
As always, I’m optimistic about the Chiefs’ chances, largely because I’m confident it can’t get much worse.
We’re a franchise that peaked way too early, one that put our owner’s name on the AFC Championship Trophy and then made it to two of the first four Super Bowls. Goddamn it, we even won Super Bowl IV: The Voyage Home! But that was way back in 1970, when we had Willie Lanier and whatever Apollo 13 by-product NASA used to make Hank Stram’s toupee.
It’s been a never-ending series of disappointments since then, especially in the ’90s. Things looked great in 1993 when we acquired legendary masturbator Joe Montana and the last remaining original parts of an ’82 model Marcus Allen. But after beating the Oilers — in what two decades later is still our most recent playoff win — we then lost to the Bills in the AFC Championship, just so they could prove to the world that the “third time’s the charm” aphorism is a damned lie. (Fourth time, too.)
In 1995, we went 13-3, putting up the best record in the entire league, earning a first-round bye and home field advantage. We then promptly lost to the Colts in a 10-7 turd of a game after Lin Motherfucking Elliot managed to miss five — count ‘em, FIVE — field goal attempts on his home turf. I’m pretty sure you could’ve trotted me out there with three bottles of Maker’s inside me and ski boots on my feet and I’d have surpassed the .200 mark. (Jesus Christ, it’s been 17 years and I swear my blood pressure just spiked only from thinking about it.)
In 1997, we went 13-3 again and looked good for the playoffs. But Gleam Hunter Marty Schottenheimer got caught up in a quarterback controversy. (And really, if anything captures the essence of my team’s history, it’s that we somehow had a “quarterback controversy” between Elvis Grbac and Rich Gannon.) Needless to say, Marty chose wrong and we wound up losing to the Broncos. Who of course went on to win the Super Bowl, allowing Sarah Jessica Seabiscuit Elway to be transformed from the butt of a classic Simpsons joke to a two-time Super Bowl winner. (Fuck him, anyway. He still looks like Gary Busey after a guest turn “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.”)
Then it actually got worse. In 1998, a 7-9 record. After the 1999 season, Derrick Thomas, my favorite player of all time, was killed in a car crash. (No, no, Isaac Bruce. Fuck you.) In 2003, we light it up with nine straight wins to start the season, finish 13-3, and then lose to the fucking Colts. Again. From 2006-2008, eight wins — eight total, over three seasons.
Last year was brutal. None of the other teams in the AFC West finished with a winning record, and yet we still somehow managed to finish fourth. Injuries killed us right out of the gate, with our best offensive player, our best defensive player, and our starting tight end all out for the season by halftime of week 2. Our first-round draft pick missed half the season after losing a fight to the inanimate corpse of Thomas Jones, and then our quarterback missed the second half. (If Boss Todd had been revealed at the end of the year to be some kind of serial murderer from an Agatha Christie novel, I wouldn’t have been surprised. Largely because the lack of actual deaths meant the killing spree would’ve been yet another thing that slack-jawed carney failed at.)
This season can’t be any worse, right? I’m bummed we lost Brandon Carr, but in light of the NFL’s “No Brandons” rule, we had to let one of them go, and I’ll be damned if I’ll let Killers frontman Brandon Flowers get away. On the flip side, adding Eric Winston was huge and rogue CIA agent Peyton Hillis is better than what we had. (Faint praise, I know.) I thought we drafted well again, though a lot of that depends on whether Dontari Poe turns out to be more than Jabba in a jersey. Everyone else is healthy, for now, and rumor has it that Dwayne Bowe is about to sign. And after his solid work down the stretch last year, I feel good about having a Grimace impersonator at the helm. Can’t be worse than the visor-and-Valtrex guy we had before.
It can’t be worse, right? (That phrase really might as well be our motto. I’d put it in Latin, but we all know that in Kansas City anything Latin winds up catching for the Royals.)
It can’t be worse, right? And yet it usually is.
What’s that? Our hour’s up already? Well, thanks for listening. I’ll be in touch when Tamba Hali and Derrick Johnson are inevitably crushed in a freak zeppelin accident.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.