“I want YOUR stem cells.”

For a while, the Tebowtard tent revival overwhelmed Denver until locals either bought in or were denied basic services. After riding the Denver defense, Willis McGahee and Matt Prater to a division title at 8-8 and a Wild Card victory over a Steelers team that decided against covering receivers, Teebs was shipped East to bring Jeebus to the land of bagels and sodomy. Meanwhile, the Broncos executed Elway’s Plan A, bringing in Peyton Manning, reborn with a cybernetic neck and the arm of Chad Pennington.

Five Fast Facts About The Broncos:

- The Broncos acquired Chris Gronkowski in the off-season. Should he receive significant playing time, the world will delight in the inevitable “GODDAMIT, GRONK!” from Peyton.

- When people joke that the NFL might as well become two-hand touch, Tracy Porter is heard to say, “oh please, oh please.”

- Knowshon Moreno is currently listed as the fourth team running back. That still seems too high.

- While giving Matt Prater a big contract was probably foolish, I choose to interpret it as another fuck-up to Tebow, in which case, it was inspired.

- If D.J. Williams fails six drugs tests, he gets a seventh for free.

Notable acquisitions: Peyton Manning, Tracy Porter, Drayton Florence, Caleb Hanie, Mike Adams, Brandon Stokley, Jacob Tamme, Derek Wolfe, Keith Brooking, Jim Leonhard

Notable departures: Eddie Royal, Tim Tebow, Brodrick Bunkley, Brady Quinn, Ryan McBeam, Russ Hochstein, Dante Rosario

Vegas win total over/under: 9.5 wins

KSK verdict: UNDER

Fantasy player you’ll want to dig at with rusty hooks: Demaryius Thomas

Peyton Manning is reportedly working non-stop in camp with Eric Decker, because he so badly wants an obedient go-to white receiver that he made the Broncos bring in the half-decomposed corpse of Brandon Stokley. Even if that weren’t the case, Thomas is more of a deep threat, and Peyton’s detached shoulder ligaments won’t permit him to be throwing deep too often.

Fan forecast, by KSK kommenter Moose:

WOW WHO!! WE SIGNED PEYTON F. MANNING, BITCHES! PEYTON F. MANNING! SUPER BOWL, BABY!

Or that is how a few of the overly optimistic fans would put it. There is the other fringe “This team will be out of the playoffs this year; you’ve seen the arrests and the cheating; if Tebow were still here this wouldn’t be happening. Elway was jealous of Tebow and had to get rid of him; they screwed him over and will pay.” I believe the majority of fans are somewhere in between as am I. I will posit that the abundant hopefulness which accompanied the signing of Battleship Manning is in large part relief.

There was a tremendous sense of disgust towards the end of the Josh McDaniels era, and while not exciting; the hiring of John Fox was a welcome relief from the Manchurian Belichick disciple; the micromanaging, immature, petty, Napoleon complex infected dick. We felt a grown-up was now in charge and would begin rebuilding after the continued prison rape of the team that was McDaniels’ mission.

But I digress. With the battleship at the helm (you can’t have a ship at its own helm!) at least they have a shot at being a quality team, top ten perhaps. One can feel the relief of the average fan as 41,000 of these idiots showed up for a god damn scrimmage, a SCRIMMAGE. While there are plenty of holes and very average players throughout the team, they are playing in a division that is the wors… err, winnable. The Chiefs don’t seem to be able to stay out of their own way and … Matt Cassel, the Raiders are… the Raiders, and the Bolts are declining and one can count on their coaching staff to come through for the team’s opponents.

Worst case: Most of you would enjoy this result the best and the schadenfreude would rain over the Donks as pus would on an Indiana teenager’s bathroom mirror: Manning never gets on the same page as his receivers being rusty after a year of alien neck probes, the defense has injuries and becomes a New Orleans levee to league offenses, the offensive line never gels and gets Manning sacked so hard in game eight that the head inside his forehead emerges, Brock Osweiler beats out Hanie for the number two spot and then becomes a taller Hanne. The strength of the schedule treats them like Viagra treats Sasha Grey’s ass. Third in the division; yes another AFC West team gets stuck in the pooch and hosed down for last place.

Best case: Hehe; running game starts where it left off, offense click… you really don’t want to hear this and it is hard to type over my Manningrection.

My optimistic call is by six games, after a .500 start, they figure it out to finish 10-6, win the division on a late season Marmalard floaterception (the Bolts’ last three or four games have a high potential for hilarity). They beat the Pats in the playoffs then succumb to the wily upstart (fill in AFC team of your choice).

But you can hear or read the professional palaverous, prognosticating, pompous proctologist pundits to get all the team projections and facts. What you are concerned about is humor potential; while the Donkeys did not sign T.O. or Chad, they have had more arrests and suspensions than the Bengals in the last five years, let that soak in, the Bengals. Peyton F. Manning also is arguably the biggest dork in the NFL, you could argue about it but you’d be wrong, his trolling is completely unintentional and he is the most consistent NFL player, in dorkitude. Don’t forget Von Miller’s glasses.

Apologies for the Peter King style writing. That’s all I gots folks.