via The Onion

The Panthers won four of their final six games after starting 2-8, leading some to say the Panthers have MOMENTUM and THEY TURNED THE CORNER. Except for two of those wins came against the Buccaneers and another against the Colts, so maybe not. Carolina also gave up 30 points or more in half their games last season, so probably good that they went defense in the draft. Anyway, Ryan Kalil said they’re winning the Super Bowl, so all aboard the CAMWAGON.

Five Fast Facts About The Panthers:

– Jon Beason likes to write bitchy Yelp reviews about brunch places.

– Steve Smith gave $100,000 to the Aurora shooting victims. This entitles him to two sportwriter scorn-free punches of opposing players.

Ron Edwards’ last season lasted two and a half hours before suffering a year-ending injury. Clubhouse leader for comeback player of the year so far.

– This off-season, Jimmy Clausen discovered Supercuts is bad. The good news is the bad haircut gave him the chance to STEP UP MY BACKWARD VISOR GAME, BRAH.

– As we all know, Cam Newton’s new nickname is Ace Boogie. Osi Umenyiora said he’s also earned the nickname RGIII. Up to him which one he wants to go by.

Key acquisitions: Mike Tolbert, Louis Murphy, Luke Kuechly, Nick Harris, Haruki Nakamura

Key departures: Mike Goodson, Dan Connor, Legedu Naanee, Jeremy Shockey, Jeff Otah

Vegas win total over/under: 7.5 wins

KSK verdict: UNDER

Fantasy player you’ll want to dig at with rusty hooks: Jonathan Stewart

The distribution of carries in the Panthers offense was already frustrating enough to figure out before the team signed Mike Tolbert in the off-season. The Panthers claim they’re only going to use Tolbert as a fullback, which is either a lie or really dumb, given Tolbert was a pretty solid weapon in the Chargers attack the past couple years. Stewart was already on the slightly short end of the carries share. Since he’s going to be a free agent after this season, some speculate that Stewart will cede carries to Tolbert so he’ll be easier to retain. That sounds plausible enough to keep me away from what promises to be an even worse clusterf*ck than before.

Fanboy forecast, by CBS Sports NFL blogger Will Brinson: