Aloha, KSKers! I’m writing this intro from my honeymoon in Kaua’i. Translation: I will not be working on this intro any more.

I did, however, give 100% of my time and attention to answering your questions. Let’s get to it.

Purveyors of Pussy and Football alike,
Fantasy first: I’m in one league this year that is a 50 dollar buy-in, standard scoring. It’s a fun league, but we are voting next week to determine if we are keeping two quarterbacks or going to one. Needless to say, I hate two quarterbacks in FF because if one goes down, chances are high you are probably screwed. I have been invited to join a second league that is a pay per transaction league. 80 dollars up front, 65 dollars is the buy-in with the extra fifteen for the first five transactions at three bucks a clip. I haven’t decided whether or not to join this league because I’m a little leery of having to pay for adds if I get a rash of injuries. Any advice on a league like this that you can offer?

I hate that idea. Why should the people who manage their teams more actively be punished than those who sit back and do nothing? It discourages activity in the league, which in turn discourages social interaction. Nevertheless, if you’re set on joining, I’d recommend having an awesome draft with a focus on depth.

Sex: Not so much a sexual question, but definitely a problem that I cannot bring up to any friends locally, and for good reason. I have a female friend of mine, we’ll call her Erica, and I, meet up for drinks about once every couple of weeks just for fun. We’ve known each other for a few years after meeting through our place of employment. I no longer work there and we do not have a sexual history because of the co-worker issue. She’s always a little flirty, even though she has a boyfriend, which we’ll call Chad, that she has been with for over two years. He is a decent guy and I’ve grown to actually hang out with him on a few occasions when I get the chance, though that’s been impossible lately, and you’ll understand why as it ties directly into the problem.

“Patience! All shall be revealed in time!” You tell stories like a magician.

The problem comes into play from this past week. I met up with her on Wednesday night for a couple of drinks and she seemed a little more focused on getting trashed this time around. She goes on to tell me how sexually frustrated she is and that she just needs a fling. She keeps poking at me if I would oblige her,

“Wanna do it? Eh? Eh?” Hard to say no to such a skilled temptress.

but keep I telling her that I wouldn’t do that to her on account of the friendship and the boyfriend. I’ve dumped a few girls because they cheated on me, and I do not want to be the one that breaks up two people.

Things roll on and, eventually, she is too drunk to drive and needs to go home. I offer to drive her home and, on the way, she continues to make it be known that she wants the night to continue at her place, going so far as to grope me while I was driving. I do my best to play it off long enough until we get to her place. I tell her to sleep off the frustration or take care of it herself, at which point she says to me “I don’t know why it’s such a big deal for you. I’ve already slept with a couple of guys in the past few months to take care of my needs.”

“I don’t see what the big deal is, I’m already a cheating slut.”

As bad as it is that she admitted that she cheated on Chad, the kicker is that Chad is currently serving in the Army in Afghanistan.

The reveal! A masterfully woven tale, sir.

So the dilemma I have is this: Do I keep it quiet and act like it was drunken rabble from her to see what happens when he gets back, which isn’t due to happen for another few months….or do I tell him the first opportunity I get, knowing that I will more than likely lose her as a friend in the process. I do chat with him on Facebook from time to time when I’m up late.
Thanks,
Confused as hell in the middle of nowhere

Allow me to answer your question with a question: what’s the benefit of having Erica as a friend? What values does she have that make you want to spend time with her? Frankly, I don’t see the benefit of drinking with another man’s unfaithful girlfriend just to… do what, exactly? Rehash stories about your old job? Keep her interested so you can be the next boyfriend she cheats on?

Fuck that. Tell her boyfriend what happened. And don’t listen to the people who tell you you shouldn’t because Chad shouldn’t have to deal with the news while he’s in Afghanistan, or that he’d be dangerous because GUNS. It’s life, man. We all live it, and Chad deserves to move on with his.

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Captain Caveman,
Fantasy: Of this year’s rookie QBs, do you think any will be a viable fantasy starter? The guy who won our league last year completely outsmarted everyone by waiting till the late rounds to get a QB and loaded up on the best skill position players possible, took someone garbage with a late round pick, then grabbed Cam Newton from the free agent pool after Week 1 and dominated the rest of the season. Would love to emulate that and catch lightning in a bottle with a late round rookie QB like RG3/Luck/etc. Do you think any of this year’s rookie crop would be a solid late round pick?

I made this video JUST FOR YOU:

In case you can’t watch the video, here’s the part that’s pertinent to your question: as of a couple days ago, RG3 was the average 80th overall pick (a 7th rounder in a 12-team league), while Luck was going at 120. I don’t know the reasoning for the gap between them — RG3’s “athleticism” (read: blackness) that makes him more like Cam Newton; the Colts’ shittiness, or the hordes of Redskins homers — but it certainly makes me more inclined to take a chance on Luck than Griffin. I think both will turn out to be very good NFL quarterbacks, but remember the Colts’ defensive ineptitude will guarantee that Luck will be throwing the ball a LOT in the second half of games; the yards will be there. Oh, and he’s no slouch running the ball, either.

Sex: I just got back this week from a study abroad program, and while abroad I met a girl who was a student from another school but also in the same program. Initially I found her quite attractive and a lot of fun to hang out with, plus she was into hooking up as often I wanted to which was great. I made sure to express to her early on that we were just hanging out and having fun, nothing more than that at all, and she agreed. However as time wore on during the program it became apparent that she clearly seemed to think we were much more than that and she had legitimate feelings for me. I tried to slow things down and make sure with her that she understood we were not dating. On one of the final nights of the trip she got blackout drunk and decided to tear into me in front of all our classmates for being an asshole and treating her poorly. What can I say, this girl isn’t the classiest. At this point I was pretty tired of this whole situation and just decided to end it all right there.

We went our separate ways a few days later, but last weekend she sent me a lengthy message apologizing for everything and basically hoping she could see me again sometime in the future. To make things even more complicated, she has definite plans to come down to visit my school this fall, not necessarily to see me but to visit with other girls from the program. I don’t want anything to do with this girl at all going forward, however I know she’s going to try to keep in touch in the coming months before she makes her visit in hopes of getting back together. Is there any way that I can put a stop to this without just completely ignoring her so I’m not an asshole? I don’t want anything to do with her, but I don’t want her trashing my name amongst my classmates at my school for what I have/haven’t done wrong to her if that makes sense.
Thanks,
Wires Crossed

This is a classic conundrum that doesn’t get the attention it deserves: the desire to not be an asshole. There’s a common perception that cutting ties with another person — whether friend or lover — makes one an asshole because the person getting dumped ends up with hurt feelings, while the person who asserts himself or herself feels guilty about the decision. Getting rejected feels like shit, and calling someone an asshole takes some of the sting away. And what are bystanders supposed to do with the crying person? They’re going to say, “Don’t worry about it, he’s an asshole” whether they agree or not, because it’s annoying as shit to deal with a crying person. It’s a shame that most sad people don’t respond well to “Suck it the fuck up!”

But here’s the thing: your other option — being nice and maintaining contact you don’t want to have — is completely disingenuous. It’s emotional appeasement, and you don’t want to be the Neville Chamberlain* who cedes the Sudetenland of self-worth and Poland of happiness to her needy-ass Hitler. By not being an asshole, you’re being an asshole in what will inevitably be a more disastrous way.

*I’m not sure whether I’m ashamed or proud of that metaphor, but I thought that I should at least acknowledge that I wrote it. I’m sorry/you’re welcome.

Personally, I think the best thing here is just tell her, “Hey, I appreciate your apology, and I hope you have a great time during your visit, but given our history I think we’re better off not hanging out.” If she presses the issue, just tell her, “I was pretty clear about not getting into anything serious, and you were really rude about it in front of my friends and peers. I wish you well and I want you to be happy, but I think we’re better off going our separate ways.”

Then be sure to go on a road trip the weekend she visits.

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Captain,
I’ll start with fantasy first. My league is starting to do keepers this year – 3 guys, give up your draft pick for whatever round they were drafted in last year, if they went undrafted give up a last round pick. I got Cam Newton off of waivers immediately after the draft, so I’m definitely keeping him, but here are my other options I’m considering:
Wes Welker in the 4th round
Julio Jones in the 6th round
Aaron Hernandez in the 9th round
Demaryius Thomas (went undrafted)

You can make arguments for any of those guys, really. Assuming Welker’s knee is fully healed, he’ll catch 100 passes and be among the league leaders in catches and yards. Julio Jones closed 2011 with a brilliant string of games, and everyone with half a frontal lobe expects him to break out this year. Hernandez is probably a top-5 TE despite being behind Gronk on the depth chart (thank you, 2-TE sets). And Thomas proved himself to be a game-breaking receiver on the rare occasion that Tebow threw the ball half-competently.

But I think I’d go with Jones and Thomas here. There are probably some folks who would never let go of a proven commodity like Welker, and I’d probably give him some extra consideration if it were a PPR league. But Jones is a better value: for two rounds later you get a better scoring threat and someone who was on his way to supplanting Roddy White last season. As for Demaryius, perhaps I’m putting too much stock into one game — his dismantling of a depleted Steelers secondary in the playoffs — but his ceiling with Peyton Manning is too tempting to pass up for a 15th-rounder.

As for sex, not much going on in that department, but I’m moving out of town and starting grad school, and an old friend I knew from a while back is going to be in the area and wants to spend some time together. She seems to be interested, but the only problem is I can’t really tell if she has a boyfriend or not – Facebook is inconclusive. What’s a good way to figure out relationship status, or should I even try to go down that road?
Thanks,
Can’t Think Of A Name

When you get to your new town, ask her if she wants to get a drink. Have a beer, catch up, and then ask her if she’s seeing anyone.

Thanks, I appreciate a really easy question sometimes.

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Capt.:
If you don’t mind, I don’t have any sex questions (ahem, don’t have any worth asking, or that haven’t been asked before) so I’ll just bring the FFB noise.

Poor form. And not even a sexy picture to appease the internet gods. Tsk tsk.

So here’s the situation. I’m in a fantasy league that I’ve been in for 3 years now that I absolutely hate. The scoring is stupid (example, and I’m not kidding: I scored 140 points last year for my DEFENSE ALONE. I ended up with 260 for the week. My defense outscored the rest of my team). The commissioner is a friend of a friend and a good dude and went so far as to create a trophy to pass around to the winner, and that’s fine. But this year, to up the ante or something, he wanted to have the loser of the league overall have to do something stupid. Now, normally, you do something like have the #1 team name the last place team for the year, or even go as far as relegating the last place finisher out of the league for a year. But the ideas for this league range from having to grow a mustache, shave a leg or do the cinnamon challenge and post it to YouTube. I’m 28, not in college and am in no way shape or form about to do any of those things. The questions is this: is there any way to get out of this league now without looking like a complete jackass (not a dealbreaker)? The draft is in 2 weeks.
Thanks,
CK

The less you say, the better. “Hey guys, sorry, but I’m out this year.” A lot of people who quit fantasy leagues say, “I’m too busy,” which is the bullest bullshit that ever shat. Just say that you stopped enjoying it. They may think you’re crazy or stupid, but they won’t think you’re an asshole. They can’t disagree with a feeling, you know?

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Caveman,
Fantasy Football: Can you give me a breakdown of your draft preparations? Do you have any go-to resources that you use to supplement your expertise? I am in three leagues this year and plan to spend a decent amount of time time preparing. I’d like to not waste that time.

I only do one thing to prepare for my drafts: I arrange my player list. Most fantasy websites will give you a list of players by their average draft position (ADP) on the site; this serves as a handy baseline of expectations, but don’t feel tied to it. There are a couple guys every year that I’ll bump up 10-15 spots from their ADP, and there are guys that I’ll bump 40-50 spots or out of my list altogether. I don’t particularly enjoy doing mock drafts, but I go through the same thought experiments as I organize my list: Who do I want to target with the 7th overall pick? I don’t want to draft Michael Vick, but what if he falls? How low does he go before I take a chance on him? What players do I want to target as value picks, and what’s the earliest I’ll take them? All of this, of course, is informed by being a nerd and following the preseason as closely as possible, but I also Google creative things like “fantasy sleepers 2012″ and click on whatever isn’t a Bleacher Report link.

That’s really it. It’s just one thing, but it’s a pretty big thing with a lot of components. Armed with that list, I go into my draft and just try to pick a team I’m not going to hate — in one of my leagues last year I just missed the run of good quarterbacks and foolishly reached for Romo because I was on the wrap and OH GOD I HAVE TO HAVE A GOOD QUARTERBACK SHIT TIME’S RUNNING OUT NOOOOOOO I PICKED ROMO WHAT HAVE I DONE!!??! That’s an example of what not to do. For a ton of great pointers for your draft and general fantasy philosophy, check out Scott Pianowski’s collection of instructions.

Sex: An intern at my work is attractive, cool, and fun. During her time here, we have exchanged many non-work emails, starting on our work accounts and then transitioning to our personal email accounts. Also, before we really got to know each other, I saw her out at a bar and we talked for a few hours and then ended the night by cabbing it back to her place where (thankfully, I guess) nothing happened. In addition, she has sent a few random 2:00 or 3:00 AM drunk emails. She also joined my yoga studio and has started to attend many of the classes that I attend each week (after I told her which classes I attend and despite her having many dozens of other options as far as both studios and class times).

Is this a Katherine Heigl movie? Just fuck already.

All that said, word is she might have a boyfriend. I haven’t heard definitively either way (and obviously haven’t asked).

“We email all the time and can’t stop eye-fucking each other, but I couldn’t POSSIBLY ask about her relationship status.” Smartly done, Mr. Darcy. You can’t be too careful.

Her actions and our interactions are arguably inconsistent with her having a boyfriend, or at least may indicate she is not all-in on that relationship. Or maybe she is playing along in the hopes of landing a job that I have no power to offer.

:-|

She is about done here and it is decision time. What are your thoughts on securing her number and seeing if she is interested in grabbing dinner or drinks after she is done with her internship here. For what it is worth, I don’t think the higher-ups here would find out about or care if we did hang out. Does this situation violate your “no coworkers” rule? Should I pursue?
Thanks,
Soon to be fantasy expert

Just go for it. I’m still against hooking up with co-workers, but in this case your bosses are okay with it, and it seems plainly obvious that you two owe each other some sexual gratification. Girl’s been waving her vagina in your face all summer long, the least you can do for her is put something in it.