Commissioner, I beseech you to do everything in your limitless power to bring back Frank Caliendo.

Welcome to Behind the PFT Headlines, where we save you time by guessing the story based on the provocative headline.

Dennis Allen sees a distinction between “incentive” and “bounty”

With questions like these, Allen is just asking for extra scrutiny from the league office. You can take the Raiders out of Al Davis, but you can’t take Al Davis out of the Raiders. Wait, that doesn’t make sense. Hmmm. I’m just going to go with it.

T.O. says he just wants to be a part of something

If things don’t work out in Seattle there is a 100% chance that TO will join a cult, according to unnamed sources within the carpet cleaning business. Okay, it was was Wilhelm. Seinfeld, you guys!

Michael Vick dedicates season to Garrett Reid

Who knew that Michael Vick was so close with his coach’s troubled son? Not to speculate, but the only possible explanation is that Garrett Reid was Vick’s “hook-up” for certain illicit substances.

Titans fine Kenny Britt for missing rehab session

Could this add fuel to the league’s growing suspension fire? No, but by asking such an oddly worded question we’ve got people talking about it.

Terrell Thomas relieved after a “minor scare”

Just a reminder to all of the NFL players reading this post (NFL players visit PFT more than any other non-pornographic site on the web) that the age of consent in New York is 17, while the age of consent in New Jersey is 16. You’re safe this time, Terrell.

Locked-out officials plan to point out replacement official’s poker past

I bet all of you $1 that the PFT article mentions the name Tim Donaghy.

/dares to click through

PAY UP.

All headlines via the estimable Pro Football Talk