The mailbag was preempted from its regular Thursday timeslot to accommodate Ufford’s story of wedding sh*ts. I also wasn’t entirely sure I was going to do a mailbag this week due to a paucity of questions. However, a few came in at the last minute, plus football news is still very dead, as it is wont to be in the middle of July, so a mailbag you shall receive.

After I shared my story in last week’s mailbag of being called an “Internet perv” by a girl I hooked up with, someone wrote in to tell me that I should make my tales of of almost-in-my-30s singledom a fixture of the mailbag. Eh, I don’t think my life is interesting enough to justify that. I will mention that I started dabbling in some Innerwebz dating. I went on one of those last weekend, and it went about as well as any first date that doesn’t end in ugly-bumping. In the course of our chatting over drinks, the girl let me know that she blogs about her online dating experiences. For instance, there was the typical D.C. lawyer douche she went on a date with who kept boasting about being a lawyer, until later in the evening when he sheepishly admitted he had just passed the bar and was still working at a liquor store. I tried to get the name of the blog out of her, but she wasn’t having it. She swore she wouldn’t use my real name on it. Oh, I don’t care. My name is already on terrible stuff on the Internet. I only wanna know how I’m being badmouthed! Anyway, it appears the blogger has become the blogee.

Yeah, yeah. “Cool story, Ape.” On to your questions…

Hola,
Two quick football questions: what is a fair amount of points for pass breakups in an IDP league? Our scoring is .5 points for a tackle, 3 for a turnover or sack, 6 for a TD. Also, which QB do you think throws more TD’s this year, Cutlerfucker or the Ben?

One point for a pass break-ups is standard and fair, according to your scoring system. The Ben and Cutlerfucker usually project for TD totals in the low- to mid-20s, provided one doesn’t get KO’d for the season or the other gets suspended. Both have reasons to think they’ll push higher totals this year; Ben now might actually have a competent O-line and Cutler is reunited with best receiver bro Brandon Marshall. I think it’ll be close, but I’ll give the slight edge to Cutler based on nothing but a hunch that will likely change a few days from now.

Longer sex question with a bit of background: I have been with my girl for three+ years. She’s smart, attractive (no pic so just take my word for it)

No pic of her acing a test? That’s a lot to ask for this assumption of smarts.

has a good job, and is very supportive of everything I do. Our families get along fine. The sexytimes are good. I definitely care about her and want her to be happy. But she’s full of anxiety and negativity. I’m no prize pig but prefer a more chilled out existence than I’ve had lately (fights over little things, snarky comments, etc. are becoming more regular). She’s a pessimist and I’m not, and at first I thought it was nice to have some balance, but now I am getting a bit tired of always being the one to have to find the bright side of life’s shittinesses. We’re both in our late 20′s, and I know that her settling-down clock is ticking. Mine isn’t. She says she wants to be with me and make it work, and I believe it but am not sure I feel the same.

I’m worried we might be at different points of our lives. I’m still into partying and she usually just says that she’s been there and done that and has no desire to keep on with it, that my friends are dumb (which, to be fair, they are), I want to save for a down payment and she wants to travel, etc. It seems like most couples I know who seem happy ‘just knew right from the start’ or something. I like her and she has lots of great qualities, but I’ve never had the ‘OMG she’s definitely the one for me I could never live without her’ feeling. It’s more like, things are ok, there’s a chance they could be great if we keep working at it, so there’s no need to change the status quo. I know there’s good and bad with every person and no relationship is perfect, but after three years (living together for half that), shouldn’t I know for sure whether she is the one I want?

Cheers,
addicted to rageahol

There’s not necessarily a hard and fast deadline by which point you should know, but the fact that the two of you have mounting concerns and issues doesn’t presage great things. That she also seems to be increasingly disagreeable points to dissatisfaction on her part, either from the lifestyle conflict you mentioned, or the fact that, yes, it’s been three-plus years and there’s not a solid commitment in place. Now, just because there isn’t an objective deadline on when that decision has to be made doesn’t mean she doesn’t have one in her head. And you might be running up on it. She definitely sounds like someone more interested in settling down sooner rather than later. As far as lifestyle goes, I think some compromise can be made vis-a-vis travel and down payment on a home. Taking a trip or two, provided they aren’t too, too extravagant, doesn’t absolutely preclude the home thing from happening.

As for your friends, she shouldn’t dictate that you can’t hang with them or have partying time, but ultimately you’re gonna have to give somewhere if you’re interested in staying with her. From your tone, it sounds like you’d rather not do that right now. While perhaps given an indefinite amount of time, you might settle down, the two of you could reach an understanding on a number of outstanding issues and achieve relationship perfection, the fact of the matter is that you don’t an indefinite amount of time. If the only way one of you is going to be happy is by forcing life changes on the other that will only lead to resentment, it’s just not a tenable situation for the long haul.

SEX: I’ve been seeing this girl for about 6 months. She has anxiety issues and has been open about it. She also told me she had an eating disorder back in the day – 5 years ago, relapse in late ’09 – but it was “no big deal.” Well she had a huge breakdown last weekend, acts completely crazy to me for asking what’s wrong and starts screaming at me for asking (she was drinking alone and crying on the phone so I didn’t really have an option to not ask and run the other way like I would have if God had any fucks left to give about me.)

If God cared about you, you’d be more callous? That’s some confusing self-loathing.

Apparently the disorder was much worse than she ever told me about and she was going to be “hospitalized” (psych ward) for a few weeks, but her insurance wouldn’t cover it “so I just had a lot of intensive therapy.” This alarms me because first off, whaaaaat? Secondly, we’d talked about the eating disorder before and she swore she’d told me everything, now I find out she’d told me nothing.

She told you that had an eating disorder and anxiety issues, the latter of which sounds like resulted in a particular bad recent episode. Absent any new detail about her condition, I have no idea what you’re saying is wrong with her.

She also told me she loves me and wants to marry me and “has known for a while.” Ummm, I’ve known you 6 months and you lied to me about that part of you when just not volunteering it or, ya know, not saying “let’s talk about it, I’ll tell you everything” and then not woulda been better options. While she’s always been on the clingy side, I’d never seen anything like that before, so I can’t say it’s been an on-going thing, but 6 months really isn’t that long.

No, six months is not a very long time for most, myself included, but people have made commitments on far less. She’s obviously got some things going on, but that alone isn’t necessarily a sign that she’s unstable.

On top of all of that, she is poor. Like, lives in the cheapest apt. I’ve ever seen in NY and has no car, insurance, or gas to worry about yet still, despite working 2 jobs, BARELY gets rent money together. We’re in our late 20s, so this isn’t a fresh outta school thing, though she did just move here, she got a job in her field, but her field doesn’t pay well. I’m legitimately worried about her ever having the money for me to think about moving in with her and not sucking me dry. Her second job is a retail job that pays garbage, yet she talks about it incessantly – much, much more than her real job – and I cannot pretend to care. Waaah, my coworkers are dicks. No shit dude, you work with shithead college/HS kids. They don’t care about this gig and neither should you. If you have 2 jobs, no car, and can barely make rent, you’re doing it wrong.

Well, when you just move to New York, pay a shit ton for a terrible, small apartment while working at a soul-crushing side job that doesn’t pay well, you’re doing it like a lot of people, actually. She just got a foothold in the place and career she wants to be in. I’m sure listening to her bitch about her deadening whatever job isn’t fun, but cut her a little slack.

I really do like this girl, and while I can’t say I’m looking to jump to the ring stage anytime soon like she is, I do really enjoy being with her. We laugh, have fun, and the sex is great. I never had any issues before the meltdown and now I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t want to go anywhere, and I’m happy, but the crazy light just went fucking nuts and now I don’t know what’s behind the next door. I’m wondering if you have any experience dating women with these types of past problems and if I should cut and run before falling too hard for her or stick it out knowing it may be fine, but it may be a ticking time bomb.

This girl is dealing with some serious mental health issues. It’s hard for me to gauge how forthcoming she was with you about it. On one hand, you said she mentioned from the outset her past experience with eating disorders and anxiety issues. That said, I can’t glean what the fuck else is going on from your scattered description, but based on your outrage, I’m going to guess there’s more than she let on. Or it’s possible that just seeing a manifestation of those conditions freaked you the fuck out. Nevertheless, they are what they are.

/quasi-football-esque platitude

I can appreciate that dealing with someone going through an episode that like is unsettling, but you have to understand it’s a symptom of a condition that she’s trying to overcome. If she were really unstable to the point of being a threat or a “ticking time bomb” as you say, you’d probably have found out sooner than six months into a relationship. Moreover, that type of attitude isn’t conducive to her getting better. I mean, it doesn’t matter if you’re intent on peacing out, but if you do indeed want to be a part of this girl’s long-term future, you can’t be a dickhead who lords that over her head. Between the breakdown and the shitty job, she’s going through a tough time right now. There will be better times for her, but it may take some time. If you’re looking for a no-stress type of deal, this isn’t going to be it for a while. If you can’t deal with that, you’re both better off parting ways.

FOOTBALL: Just wanted to say I can’t wait for fantasy to start now, before I remember how much I hate it as it ruins countless Sundays with buffoons who won’t shut the fuck up about their teams even during close (real!) games and me losing by 2 points cuz some slapdick kicker makes three 50 yarders on Monday night.

I hear you, man. It totally sucks when people bitch about their fantasy team except when you do it.

/wankwankwank

And I pray the people that tell you their fantasy score at 1:15 get raped by Magic Johnson. Oh ya, you’re up 10.3 – 2.6? That’ll hold up. Die.

I’ve never encountered anyone doing that, but yes, it sounds very annoying.

/has finished 4th (top 3 get paid) in my league 3 straight years

-McMurphy

And now the real source of enmity toward fantasy surfaces. Tough break, guy. I reached my keeper league championship game the last two years running and lost both times. :( Still love fantasy, though.

Hey man,

Football – I live in Australia and am keen to put some of my hard earned dosh (which is worth more than the greenback, sucka’s) into a fantasy league. What’s my best on-line option?

Even though you just bragged about the value of your country’s currency like I give a fuck, allow me to offer my predictable suggestions. All fours leagues I played in last year were run through Yahoo! or NFL.com’s service. Whatever cost is associated with the entry fee set by your commissioner/ other league members. There might be paid leagues out there with some impressive bells and whistles, but those work well enough for me. The NFL.com one is actually fairly impressive from a presentation standpoint. Beyond live-scoring, they have scoring play highlights embedded within the game center timeline of your match-up each week. Hope that helps, you Aussie drongo.

Sex – Ok, I split with my fiance 2 years ago after 7 years together. She felt confined and wanted to see the world. I was depressed. She left due to a combination of both issues. I went insane for about 6 months, finally pulled my shit together and am now a much happier, less insane person.

That’s good.

/Homer frogurt tone

Despite that I haven’t been able to get her out of my mind for all of that time. I’ve always wanted her and nobody else. Over the last 2 years I’ve basically cockblocked myself quite a few times as a result.

That’s bad.

She went out and saw the world. We then ran into each other a month ago. I invited her to a concert last weekend. We were always great in bed… which is what the weekend turned out to be.

We’re now talking about getting back together. In fact we spoke about eloping. I really want that – but not at the expense of my mental health. I also know our families, who love us both dearly, also believe we are no good for each other and will go apeshit. My best mate (who’s a girl) has told me she’ll never talk to me again if this goes ahead.

Am I crazy to think the issues that broke us up two years ago could be resolved? What things should I do to make sure we don’t make the same mistakes? Or should I just be happy about the reunion weekend (which was incredible) and keep moving on, however long it takes?

WELP, your initial description of the relationship dynamic sounded like something potentially workable, but then your family and friends wouldn’t be reacting this strongly unless there were some messiness and destructive behavior involved. I can’t tell whether it was your depression that drove her away the first time around, but the insistence of your loved ones makes me believe there’s some Sid & Nancy co-craziness afoot here. That you can’t seem to shake this woman enough to manage to bed other women within a two-year span makes matters a bit knottier. I’ll tell you what you shouldn’t do: run off and fucking elope with this woman right away. Beyond that, I won’t say it’s impossible to mend the issues that ruined you two the first go-round, provided you got a handle on your depression and she sowed whatever wild oats she needed to, but it’s gonna take a more delicate approach with each other and your mutual loved ones for it even to be conceivable.

Thanks mate. You do an awesome job by the way, and I’m also not sure the commentariat gets the wraps they deserve either. For a bunch of morons they do ok.

Redhillcharlie

Don’t go and inflame the kommentariat. I just got most of them to quit carping about Drew not being around.

Dear Fonts of Fantasy Football and Sexy Fun Time Wisdom,
Football first, “sex can wait”-I hear that from my wife all the time…

8 team auction keeper league, $200 salary cap, dollar values are this year’s price to keep a player. My current rosters boasts A Rodgers($40 ), LeSean McCoy($14), Ahmad Bradshaw($4), DeMarco Murray($2), Darren Sproles ($4) , Brandon Marshall ($11), Julio Jones ($5), Dez Bryant ($4), Jeremy Maclin ($4)… that’s my core. My fringe players are Jonathan Stewart ($3) and Vincent Jackson($8). My gut says to cut Stewart and use my high cap to pick up Ray Rice, MJD, AP type guy (all were around $50 last year to wont be kept) and use the depth to my advantage. I’m really not sure on what to do with V. Jax, he won’t be overly good with Freeman, but he’s the #1 guy on a team that will probably be playing from behind and he’s pretty cheap. I feel like I’m one stud RB from a dynasty.

I don’t think V-Jax is a bad option to hang onto at that cost. I expect Josh Freeman will have something of a bounceback year now that the team actually got him a decent receiver and a top-notch interior lineman. Jackson was a little better suited for Marmalard’s skill set of floating balls to tall receivers, but with last year’s leading pass-catcher Kellen Winslow gone from Tampa, I’d imagine Vincent is gonna do just fine in terms of looks.

And now for sexy time… My wife and I having been trying to have a baby. We’ve been doing everything except going to the doctor and getting checked to see if we are even able to have kids. We have been trying since October. My fear is that I’m the one causing the lack of a little one. In high school during track practice, we used the big rubber bungee cords (the diameter of a nickel) that were 20 feet long. I had one stretched out 50 yards and it snapped on the other guys’ belt. He was in front so the bungee was connected to my belt buckle in front. I caught the rubber up both legs and big wad right on the nut sack. I didn’t pee or cum blood and everything functioned normally, albeit a little sore at first, so I thought nothing of it. Now, seven years later, I’m worried because I didn’t go to the doctor then that there may be nothing I can do and any potential damage is now irreversible. My wife seems to think it’s her fault because she had lead poisoning when she was a child. She is afraid her ovaries are shriveled and ruined. We are both hesitant to go in because we don’t want to let each other down because one (or both) of us has an issue. We are both in this together but we don’t know what to do.

-Sincerely,
Strangely jealous of Cromarties’ Testes

It’s a good thing you came to me, then. My four years of journalism school plus another four professionally scratching my balls on the couch makes me the consummate authority on fertility issues.

Obviously, the two of you have to suck it up and visit a doctor. Unless you wanna roll the die with more months of sexytime that probably won’t lead to the child you want. You’re doing nothing but delaying the inevitable at this point. A definite answer, for better or worse, is preferable to subjecting yourself to worrying and mulling unsubstantiated suspicions from your past. You love each other. It could be a correctable matter. If it isn’t, you can adopt.

That’s it, you guys. Your regular mailbag sexpert, Ufford, returns next week.