Football news sucks right now, so here’s a belligerent old man losing his sh*t and throwing dishes at a Cici’s Pizza because he hasn’t been served his deep dish. Pro Tip, old-timer: restaurants don’t think you’re serious until you start flipping over tables.

– Eric Wright, one of the players that the Buccaneers spent an assload of money on in free agency, went glug-glug vroom vroom until the cops gave him a felony DUI. Wright refused a Breathalyzer test, which was smart in his case, but still annoys me because I’m a jerk who wants to know his BAC.

– Dolphins cheerleaders appeared at a grocery store in London to promote a contest in which some lucky Brit can win a trip to a game in Miami or San Francisco. I’ll like a review of their appearance from that kid on YouTube.

– Police would like to know if anyone actually saw Aldon Smith get stabbed at that party over the weekend, because from the looks of this stab wound, it looks like he’s been stabbed.

– Cam Newton: fond of incorporating himself into hip-hop memes while wearing Toronto Blue Jays hats.

– Jaws says that Joe Flacco has the strongest arm in the NFL. That’s important when two-thirds on your completions are checkdowns to Ray Rice.