Former Oakland Raiders quarterback Kenny “The Snake” Stabler has found himself in some pretty serious tax trouble. Even after losing his house to the IRS a little while back, a federal judge ruled that he still owes over $260,000, plus penalties and interest. As Michael David Smith at ProFootballTalk points out, the government probably won’t be able to collect the total amount because Stabler’s monthly payments will be based on his income, and he really isn’t doing anything right now other than some appearances at NFL events. The Snake strikes again!

This all brings up an important point: If I worked for the IRS, I would audit every single person in the country whose nickname is “Snake” or “The Snake.” There is a 100% chance that someone with that nickname cheated on their taxes. I guarantee it. My itinerary on my first day of work would literally be: 1) Buy a calculator. 2) Find out where my office is. 3) Audit all Snakes. 4) Figure out who I need to talk to about lunch orders. I would haul the Snakes in five at a time and make a stern, disapproving face at them as they produced their receipts for tattoo parlors and knife stores and biker bars with names like “Knuckleheads” and what not, and when they were done I would announce that I’d be confiscating their Harleys and leather jackets to cover their debts. Then, instead of turning them over to the government to be sold at auction, I would take all the motorcycles and jackets, sell them on the black market at a deep discount, and use the money to run away to Tahiti.

It’s almost too easy.