Greetings, and welcome to another installment of the mailbag. Before we get started, a couple administrative notes:

  • Cheers to Christmas Ape for filling in ably the last two weeks. I can get caught in a rut with the way I think about things, so I appreciated getting a different (but still very funny) viewpoint. Thanks, simian blog editor!
  • Thank you also to the many people who offered congratulations on my wedding and condolences on the subsequent food poisoning, often in the same comment or email. You’re all gems, and my bride and I have both fully recovered.
  • I don’t really have anything else, but two bullet points seemed like too few.

Okay! With that covered, here is an incomplete list of this week’s topics/problems: adding members to a keeper league, a moronic and cruel prank, potential sleepers in 2012, a grown man refusing to get rid of a stuffed animal, Randy Moss’s fantasy potential, babes of the 20th century, dodging marital infidelity, some convoluted crap about a birthday, and at least two cow patties of metaphysical ennui. Let’s get to it:

Dear KSK,
First, Fantasy Football: My league has been converted into a keeper league this year. We have our returning 10 members plus two new members. The two new members have expressed their concern over joining a league with a keeper option, stating, they don’t have a roster of players to chose from, essentially starting off in a disadvantage. And being that this league has an $100 entry fee, I, as commissioner, need to figure out a way to accommodate everyone. I tried shooting some ideas but each one of them seems to shit on either, the original ten, or the two new members. What do you advice I do to help the transition without upsetting anyone? Or should we just scrap the idea and try again next year?

I’d offer the newbies a choice: either the top picks in this year’s draft, or the opportunity to pull keepers from last year’s rosters after everyone has claimed their keepers. Either one is a fair offering, I think.

Second, Sex: Have you seen the movie Ted?

No.

Well, meet the real life John. I’ve had my stuffed bear for about 25 years now. If he could talk, he could write a biography on my life.

Actually, the ability to talk doesn’t guarantee literacy. And since we’re talking about a teddy bear, we probably shouldn’t assume a high level of writing skill. Throw in the fact that you’re not famous, and your hypothetical stuffed bear biographer would never be able to sell your story to a publishing house.

My current girlfriend has tried to throw him out numerous times, each time resulting in us arguing. She claims I should “grow up”, I tell her it’s not that easy to throw him away. She has also threatened to break up with me if I don’t let go of my childhood. I don’t want to lose her, but I also don’t want to throw my bear away. I know it’s pathetic, but that bear is, like, the only thing I have left from my childhood. Any advice on how I could manage to keep both? (I know you’ll going to tell me to throw away the bear.)
Sincerely,
Seth McFarland

I met a Marine a little bit younger than you this weekend. I noticed the Explosive Ordnance Disposal pin on his baseball cap, so I was all, “Hey, were you EOD?” And he was like, “Yeah,” and then shook my hand with his mechanical prosthesis. He lost his right hand, right leg, and half of his left hand in Afghanistan last year when an IED blew up while he was dismantling it. We talked for a bit; even as a veteran, I was humbled by this man’s willingness to talk about his injuries and display his prosthetics — he was going about life as if he had no disability at all, and he had no discernible bitterness about having just three fingers or spending the last year with blown-out ear drums.

Sorry, I got distracted. You were saying something about being a grown man who couldn’t get rid of a teddy bear?

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Dear Dick Touchers,
Sex: I wrote a few months back as “Lucky Asshole.” I was accused of being a troll due to the detailing of my seemingly perfect, sexual relationship. 

Golly, why would people accuse you of being a troll? Let’s revisit that email you sent:

She’s not completely stupid like most 20 year olds, and all her friends love me. She loves anal, watching porn with me, shower sex, random blowies, road head, blowing it in her face, oiled-up massage sex, sex in bathrooms at parties, I DP her with her vibrator, spanking, dirty talk, sex at sporting events, Christ, we even snuck into an alley on her birthday and we fucked

That epic bout of bragging was followed up by complaints about her being 21 and not being able to do anything, then an additional complaint about her wanting to go to the aquarium. I hope you’re less awful than you were before.

Well obviously the sex has tailed off a bit, but everything’s still good overall. My girlfriend is still 20 and I’m 27. I’m writing because her 21st birthday is August 5th, and I have no fucking clue what to get her or what to do with her (this is where you insult me).

I’ll pass. For now.

Obviously we’re going out for the standard 12am drink the night of her birthday, I pay for all the drinks, and I’ll probably get drunker than anyone else blah blah blah I’m an idiot.

We have some minor plans the afternoon of her birthday, but the evening is up in the air. Am I retarded in thinking that a girls 21st birthday is more of a “friend birthday” than a “boyfriend birthday?” — as in, she’s at the mercy of her friends and I just play baby sitter? That’s fine, but when we were still fuck buddies a year ago for her birthday I made a point of not making a huge deal for her birthday… This year I’d kinda like to make it up to her, ya know, cuz I’m not a complete and utter bag of fuck. She’s 20 so obviously she doesn’t know shit about good booze, so buying a really expensive wine or champagne would pretty much be the equivalent of lighting my money on fire. Dinner with drinks seems like a big deal for newly birthday’d 21 year olds, right? Right??? Basically I’m a moron, help me with gifts and/or plans. She wants that new Mindy Kaling book… So that’s something…

Women love celebrating their birthday. Birthdays mean gifts and attention, which are two of the four pillars of womanhood (the others: compliments and cupcakes).

Therefore, the only thing better than one birthday party is TWO birthday parties: she should have a proper drunken 21st birthday one night, and then you should take her out for a nice dinner for a second birthday celebration. Give her a present to open during pre-dinner drinks or after you’re done eating. I suppose the Mindy Kaling book is an okay gift, but as a boyfriend of about a year, I’d lean more towards jewelry. Doesn’t have to be anything fancy or expensive, just something within her tastes. With something like a necklace or a bracelet, it’s less about the money you spend than it is an opportunity to think a nice thought about you every time she puts it on. Women are weird that way.

Football: I’ve yet to read any sort of fantasy analysis, buy a magazine, watch TV, etc, but can I assume that Cam Newton is worthy of being my #1 QB? I probably asked the same question last time around, but Newton and Jimmy Graham as my 2 keepers for $1 a piece is a no-brainer. The only wrench thrown into this is potentially keeping Demaryius Thomas for $1 now with Peyton as his QB… I still keep Newton and Graham, yes?
Thanks for the help,
Average Asshole

There is no wrench. Keep Newton and Graham.

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To whomever is answering the bag this week,
Football: I play on several leagues each year, and am blessed with terrible luck in life, so when I draft someone that is a high pick; should score a lot, have lots of yards, etc. They seem to get injured or suspended or the like. I have something like the “Madden curse” associated to me.

That’s not a curse; that’s fantasy football. Everyone’s players get injured. You are not special.

My question is: Any “sleepers” you could suggest for me to look out for on draft day? Guys that may not be superstars but put up good, stable numbers that everyone won’t try to jump on?

Thanks for defining the term “sleeper” for me. It helps me play “fantasy football.” You know, a rotisserie game in which football fans draft NFL players to their team then compete head-to-head by affixing point values to the players’ statistics.

And hopefully have a good history of not being injured.

Actually, players who are coming back from injury are more likely to be sleepers because people like you don’t want to draft them.

Anyway, I don’t look at anyone as a sleeper, because that assigns them an expectation that will likely go unfilled. Besides, I haven’t started doing my homework for my fantasy drafts yet (nor should I: it’s pretty pointless before training camps begin), so I don’t have a list of names for you. Come back in four weeks.

Sexiness: I’m a divorced father in my early 30′s. I’m a good looking guy (so I’m told), tall, athletic, decent intelligence,

“I believe in curses!”

decent living, etc. so I got that going for me, which is nice. In the several years since my divorce, I’ve done pretty well for myself. I’ve played the field, enjoyed the company of numerous ladies, had a few shorter relationships, etc. Things have been pretty good, but I seem to have bad luck. (See above football question) Besides the Madden-like curse, I seem to have a real life “Good Luck Chuck” thing going on. I bang a chick, and a short time later she calls it off, or stops contacting me, and BOOM! a month (or less) later she’s in a serious relationship.

Again: you are neither special nor cursed. People have sex with people, then they get in relationships with other people. It happens all the time, particularly in that late-20s/early-30s age frame.

This leads to my latest; met a great girl around my age, lots of similar interests, beautiful, good job, smart, etc. We hit it off, and things are going strong for a few months. Like we are a couple and seems the future is grand. She has a few issues with work and family and she has to break a few dates. But then she says we got serious quickly and it freaked her out, she wanted to slow it down, even though she was the one setting the pace. So we did and it seemed to work, but she then started to act differently and see each other less often. I was invited to her family reunion and a few other family events, so I thought things were going well again. Then she cancelled on me….and ignored me for a week. Then I was contacted saying something to the like; “You’re great, good luck, peace out.”

Now, I don’t think I’m cursed, but this happens quite often. Should I let this latest one go? Save myself the drama? Am I just dating crazy women? Is there any behaviors I should look at in myself and see if there is a pattern? The women don’t seem to be that similar, so no pattern there.

Dating and having flings can be fun, but I’m getting to the point I’d like to have someone around that I could share my life with. I live in fairly rural Northwest part of America, so the numbers aren’t exactly on my side. I’m tired of running into the same girls I used to date and see them with their new guys, and not be able to find something myself. Or should I find a Shaman and see if he can get rid of this black cloud of bad luck following me around?
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Don Juan de Oregon

What you’re going through is a common problem known as “dating.” Your situation is in no way remarkable or interesting, so I’ll tell you what I tell everyone else: seek self-improvement and focus on being a complete, happy person by yourself. It creates a win-win for your life: you get to be happy and fulfilled without a relationship PLUS it makes you more desirable to the people you meet. Make your own luck.

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Captain,
Football: I have an interesting keeper dilemma with which I hope you can help. My close friends and I just found out a girl we knew in college just recently lost her V-Card (we are all 24).

Can we all be adults and call it “virginity”? Thanks.

No big deal really. But two of my friends have offered me fantasy picks and players for a Facebook post regarding this girls loss of V-Card (I didn’t take it, so the post would be a complete fabrication). The best offer was Larry Fitzgerald for my post and my third round pick. That would set me up with a first round pick (mid round, so I’m hoping AP or MJD), Megatron (one of my keepers, this year at 2nd round value), a 4th round pick, Ryan Mathews (another keeper at 5th round value) and Aaron Hernandez (15th round value) AND Fitzy. Do I humiliate this girl and deal with absolute shit storm of repercussions? Can I get more for this? And if I do this, how much blood do I mention in my Facebook post? And do I tag the girl in question in the post?

Sex: Seriously, do i do this?

Bloody good times,
Up in the Dare

Short answer: no.

Long answer: Someday you’ll look back on this email, and you’ll regret the person that you used to be. I can’t be sure exactly what you’ll regret — it could be “God, I can’t believe I was such an immature shit that I actually considered something so thoughtlessly cruel and stupid,” or it might be “I can’t believe I was the kind of person who wrote insane questions to sane people just to get a rise out of them.” Whichever brand of fuckwad you happen to be, I hope you grow out of it and become a useful member of society or, at the VERY least, the kind of adult who doesn’t fixate on the blood involved in a girl losing her virginity as if he just learned about the hymen in 8th grade health class.

**********

Dear Cap,

Fantasy dilemma: I’m coming on the second year of a standard ESPN 10-team league that has shuffled some members and is introducing one keeper. Each keeper costs a draft pick in the round lower than where they were originally drafted. Looking at Ray Rice (for a 2nd), Drew Brees (for a 3rd), and [based on a trade] Schaub (for a 2nd). Elisha, Brady, Rodgers, Welker, J-Mail, and Gore will more than likely be off the table due to other keepers. I’m leaning towards Rice both because of the new deal and because of how consistent he was last season. On the other hand, it seems that these days you have to have a top 5 QB to be competitive (especially if you’re not in some batshit two QB nonsense league), and Stafford and Cam are likely to be gone pretty quick, their respective injury/sophomore slump question marks notwithstanding. Brees was certainly consistent last season, but will his production take too much of a nosedive with all of the Saints’ issues? Schaub for a 2nd ain’t great, but what if Andre Johnson stays healthy and has a Megatron-like season this year (not to mention Foster’s receptions and potential YAC)? Still, it’s mostly a Brees or Rice conundrum for me.

You’re fine either way, but I’d probably go with Brees because of the scarcity of top-tier QBs. Or hell, Ray Rice is probably a top-three player, so keeping him for a second-rounder is pretty fucking ideal. What kind of league lets you keep players for a round HIGHER than the one you drafted them in?

Sex: I luckily have no complaints in the sex department. Seriously dating a wonderful girl, and we ball like crazy whenever we get half a chance. In recompense for the lack of a sex question, and knowing your own predilection for bombshells of yesteryear, I offer these side-by-side picture of Marguerite Empey [aka Diane Webber] (Playmate of the Month May ’55 and February ’56).

It was the most SFW picture I could find, but I hope it still pleases you the Kommentariat.

Congrats again,
Keeper Konundrum in Kips Bay

Bravo! You know, everyone who talks about time travel says the first thing they’d do is kill Hitler. Not me. I’d track down and attempt to seduce the hottest women of the 20th century. Elizabeth Taylor and Brigitte Bardot circa 1960, Sophia Loren any time between 1953 and 1975, Pam Grier and Bebe Buell in 1974… let’s just say it would be a long-ass time before I got around to Hitler. Sorry, Jews.

Anyway, if you like old-timey pictures of nekkid ladies, check out the Retrozone (NSFW). Boobs used to shaped like torpedoes.

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Dearest sirs of the internet:
Football: I desperately want my 49ers to fulfill expectations this season and make a run. That background in place, is it unrealistic to think drafting Randy Moss somewhere in the middle rounds of my draft is a good idea? I know he’s a couple years removed from his Patriot glory days and that Small Hands Smith isn’t Tom Brady. But still, the SF passing game has to improve, right? Right? Please tell me yes.

I gotta say, 49ers fans were a lot more tolerable before last year’s playoff run. A little taste of success, and they came crawling out of the woodwork with some of the worst homerism in the country.

Maybe we’ll see something different when training camp rolls around, but for now I have to think that Randy Moss is an AWFUL mid-round pick. If you’re desperate to have him on your fantasy team, at least wait until the 13th round.

Relationship: Apologies for the loquaciousness.  I edited for length, but somehow when you’re writing about yourself it all seems important. 

And then other people read it and think, “STFU.”

After getting out of a long-term relationship a couple years ago I’ve been making the rounds… a number of girlfriends that have lasted from 3 to 6 months.  Each time I’ve found a reason to end the relationship (looks, personality clash, etc.). I’m closing in on 30 and am ready to get into something serious, but I can’t seem to find myself satisfied. I’m basically not sure if I’m being appropriately picky (seeing as this is forever and all) or if I’m just subconsciously afraid of commitment after having a serious girlfriend that didn’t work out because she wasn’t ready to settle down.

Fast forward to now… current girlfriend is about 5 months in and I’m starting to get antsy again. She’s wonderful and she’s very into me, but I’m going to be kicking myself if I stick it out longer and my feelings don’t change.

How do you get over that hump of being sure that the person you’re with is the right one?  Or should there be no hump – you just know from the start? That question may be more existential than practical, but it’s something I’m struggling with. I would really like to find a relationship that leaves me completely fulfilled and I worry I may be setting expectations that are unrealistic. Or maybe this girl is that person if I give her a fair chance? Or maybe I just haven’t met the right one yet and she’ll blow my mind when I do?

To sum it up: give it some more time and try to commit fully? Or because I’m having doubts / may not be ready and that isn’t fair to anyone involved, end it?
– Merton Fucking Hanks

So many people overthink this. Here’s how it works: if you enjoy the person you’re presently fucking, continue fucking him or her. If that person’s company and/or genitals stop being enjoyable to you, stop having sex with that person. It really doesn’t need to be more complex than that. Sure, being married is a binding legal agreement, but in essence it’s just my wife and me publicly saying, “Hey y’all, we’re gonna keep this monogamy party going.” The wedding didn’t flip a switch in me that made all other women unattractive, although that would have been nice. I still notice good-looking women on the subway and harbor unsanitary thoughts about Padma Lakshmi serving me dessert pastries.

What I’m trying to say is that you’re ALWAYS going to want other women. (Thanks a lot, biology.) But when you’re ready for a commitment and you find the right person (two conditions that don’t align easily), the desire to stick your dick into everything takes a back seat to respecting and loving the person you view as a partner.

But you don’t have to make that big-picture decision right now. In fact, you shouldn’t. Just take it one day at a time, and if you still like fucking your girlfriend, stay with her for another day. There’s nothing wrong with spending a little more time with someone to see if deeper feelings develop.

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Bashers of Allagash Gashes:
Foosball – I’ll keep it short to atone for the messiness below. One keeper, who to choose (.5 ppr, 6 pTD) – Sproles, Beast Mode or McFadden.

McFadden is the best player of the bunch, but he’s been injury-prone since he got to the NFL. As much as I love Sproles, I don’t think he’ll replicate last year’s TD production. With the Seahawks’ line solidifying, I actually think Marshawn Lynch might be the safest bet. You may, however, discount that as homerism and stick with McFadden if you like.

Quasi-sexish question: My best friend got married a few months ago, we’ve been friends since childhood – wedding was great, i delivered a great speech thanks in no small part to tips from the Kommentariat. Since the wedding I noticed some strange things, Maybe even just insignificant things, I think – his facebook profile picture includes him and his wife in various locales (wedding, honeymoon, eating ice cream, etc.) – his wifes profile pictures only include her looking pretty in her dresses she wore for the wedding festivities (amazing what makeup and a professional photographer can do for a girl in need of dental work).

Anyway the problem is that a few nights back we were having drinks at their (his mom’s) place and since he can’t handle his drink, he retired early for the night. I stayed up chatting with his wife, gradually she got flirtatious and eventually asked if I wanted to have some “fun” with her. Now this is my best friend and he’s been on cloud nine since he got married, he’s got no job, so this girl is his life. Needless to say I got out of there as fast as I could.

The question is: what do I tell him? Like I said, this marriage is all he has at this point, being a recent law grad his life consists of his wife and mock drafts. I certainly think he rushed in to this since he barely knew this girl when he proposed and came off a break up with a girl he had been with for three years, but thats a separate story. I’m inclined to keep my mouth shut and possibly move away for a few years so I don’t have to break his heart – needless to say, I’m going to avoid her like the plague.

-Gracias Mi Amigos

Man, a lot changes in a decade, huh?

2002: “My friend just got his law degree, he can do anything!”

2012: “My friend just got his law degree, his life is a desolate hellscape.”

Anyway, I think moving away is going a bit far. And I’m not sure telling him is going to do you or him any good. Anything where it’s her word against yours is likely to blow up in your face — she could easily say that you came on to her, and then he’ll hate you and become even more blind to any other wrongs she might do to him. Nope, you’ve just got to be a good friend to him, which means supporting his love for her even if she’s a snaggletoothed slutbag. Be a friend to both of them, even if it’s to keep a wary eye on her. If it works out, great. If not, well, lesson learned. Don’t marry a slut when you’re on the rebound.