Suspended for a year and newly divorced from his wife, a lost and disconsolate Sean Payton has embarked on a mission led by an unknown spectral entity that has taken the form of Drew Brees’ floating disembodied head. Payton does not know where this journey will lead him or what its purpose is, only that he must follow it.
Sean Payton: How long must I keep going? I’ve been on this road for weeks. My feet are killing me. I feel even lonelier than I was before. You must tell me what is going on.
Drew Brees: You’d be further along if you didn’t take that detour to the Bahamas.
Sean Payton: A man’s got needs, Drew.
Drew Brees: What are the needs of the flesh compared to those of the soul?
Sean Payton: Well, I don’t know. Seems like one of those questions you could answer me, Floating Spirit Head, along with where I’m going and what I’m doing.
Drew Brees: All will be revealed when the time is right. For now, you must continue to trust in and follow the path.
Sean Payton: Okey-dokey.
[Payton ambles along the road, only stopping to sleep, which he does at the spot where exhaustion overtakes him each evening]
Drew Brees: Up ahead, there is our destination.
Sean Payton: ‘Bout damn time. Aw, this place looks like hell. Why’d you bring me to this shitpile, of all places? Better at least have a bed I can crash on. I’m beat.
Voice: A traveler! Hello, traveler!
Sean Payton: Who is that? Hello?
Boy: Hello, I am Pedro. Who are you, traveler?
Sean Payton: I’m Se -
Woman: Pedro, come away from there! You don’t know him. Run along home. I will deal with this man. Sir, who are you? Why have you come to this place?
Sean Payton: I’m Sean Payton, head coach of the New Orleans Saints. I was sent here by… well, I was sent here.
Woman: You should not have come. This places holds nothing but death for you. If you were smart, you would leave at once and never return.
Sean Payton: Where am I? What is this town?
Woman: This is the town of Devil’s Latrine. It was once a honest, thriving ranching community, but it has fallen into ruin. It has been overrun by a gang of bandits. None dare stand against them. They control the law and what little resources remain. Anything they don’t control they can eliminate with the services of bounty hunters.
Sean Payton: That sounds dandy. Welp, guess I’ll be on my way, then.
Drew Brees: No, Sean. You must stay and help these people. Without you, they are doomed to privation and certain death.
Sean Payton: What could I possibly do to handle this situation by myself? You heard her, they’re ice-cold killers!
Woman: Who are you speaking with?
Sean Payton: Uh, I just had a phone call. Using my Bluetooth.
Sean Payton: Never mind. Who are these bandits?
Woman: You should not concern yourself. They are ruthless, especially so with outsiders. Their leader is the worst of all. Once, a family of drifters happened upon this place and he killed them for no reason at all. Probably only to intimidate us further. He hung their bodies from the top of the general store for a month. After that, anytime you bought something from the store, you received a piece of the family. I purchased a tin of horse pills and received a section of the wife’s ovary. It was disgusting and far too decomposed to eat.
Sean Payton: I see. Where can I find these bandits and how will I know who they are?
Woman: You are foolish to consider interfering, but if you must know, I have a photo I can show you. They make us put it up in our homes to remind us who is in control. I will fetch mine for you.
Woman: There. His name is Javier Yoodell.
To be continued…
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.