"My unchecked authority is THIS big."

Earlier this week, NFL commissioner and burgeoning Bond villain Roger Goodell ruled on the appeals of the New Orleans Saints players involved in the bounty scandal. To the surprise of literally every person in the world and many of the animals, he upheld his own ruling on their punishments. I know. I’ll give you a second to clean up all the melted brain goo that just leaked out of your ears and onto the collars of your shirts.

In a ruling handed down on Tuesday, Goodell told Jonathan Vilma, Anthony Hargrove, Will Smith and Scott Fujita that each of them is still welcome to meet with him to give their side of the story, and that he reserves the right to reduce the suspensions should new information be brought forth.

Instead, however, the players intend to fight Goodell’s rulings through the federal court system.

The players have declined to meet with Goodell because they have argued that Goodell lacked the jurisdiction to rule in the matter and has violated the spirit of the league’s Collective Bargaining Agreement by making public statements about the case that demonstrated he could not be a neutral arbitrator. [ESPN]

[Inside the NFL's corporate offices, where the suspended New Orleans Saints have come to plead their case to commissioner Roger Goodell]

Jonathan Vilma: Thank you for meeting with us, Commisi-

Roger Goodell: DENIED!

Jonathan Vilma: But I didn’t even say anything y-

Roger Goodell: DENIED!

Will Smith: Aren’t you going to let us expla-

Roger Goodell: DO THE FRESH PRINCE SONG!

Will Smith: What? No.

Roger Goodell: DO THE SONG FROM FRESH PRINCE OF BEL AIR.

Will Smith: I think you may be confused. I’m not that Will Smith. I’m a footba-

Roger Goodell: YES YOU ARE!

Will Smith: I’m really not. He’s like 10 years older than I am, and he lives in Calif-

Roger Goodell: I UPHOLD MY RULING THAT YOU ARE THE FRESH PRINCE!

Will Smith: But I-

Roger Goodell: APPEAL DENIED!

Scott Fujita: This is ridiculous. We don’t have to put up with this. We can just take it to a judge.

Roger Goodell: [is suddenly wearing a black robe and powdered wig] GUILTY!

Scott Fujita: What the-

Roger Goodell: I AM A JUDGE NOW.

Scott Fujita: You are not a judge. And what do you mean, “Guilty”? This is just an appea-

Roger Goodell: [banging gavel] OBJECTION!

Scott Fujita: Hold on. Judges don’t make objectio-

Roger Goodell: OVERRULED!

Anthony Hargrove: Let’s get outta here, man. This dude’s lost it.

Roger Goodell: OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!

Anthony Hargrove: What?!

Roger Goodell: TAKE THEM TO THE GUILLOTINE AT DAWN! EXCEPT THE FRESH PRINCE. HE IS SENTENCED TO PERFORM AT MY BIRTHDAY PARTY.

Will Smith: For the last time, I’m not that W-

Roger Goodell: GUARDS! SEIZE THEM!

[A team of guards surrounds the Saints players and takes them to the NFL's underground dungeon]

Roger Goodell: [pushes intercom] HELEN, SEND IN JAMES HARRISON.

Helen: You had him beheaded yesterday, sir.

Roger Goodell: DENIED!