CVS is marketing a new line of candy with this video of Tom Brady challenging people to surprise staring contests. They can’t handle the Dreamboat gaze. “No! NO! Too pretty! Too pretty!” From there, things get WHEYY ZANY, with Tom “having way too much fun” and getting fake arrested for trying to lure a child into his rape SUV with sweets.

– Now that Fred Jackson has been given a long-term contract extension, the Bills are discussing splitting carries this season between Jackson and C.J. Spiller. Yup, your fantasy team just got 5Channed.

– Jason Babin tried to make an argument about the dangers of gun control by quoting Hitler, which probably isn’t the smartest idea. Except the quote has been mistakenly attributed to the Furher, so it’s okay!

– A little while back, Florio ran with a vague reference to “something special” mentioned in Van Halen’s touring schedule and openly speculated that the band had already been booked for next year’s Super Bowl halftime show. That turned out to be wrong, but David Lee Roth acknowledged the rumor and said that they would love to do the Super Bowl, because who the f*ck wouldn’t? Anyway, PFT reported Roth’s remarks without necessarily specifying that the site itself was the source of the original incorrect rumor. So if Van Halen does end up being the halftime performer (guuuuhhhhhh) Florio will inevitably end up taking credit for making it happen. Because he’s the worst.

– ESPN The Magazine’s Body Issue is out. As previously reported, Gronk is captured in his default public state of shirtlessness. Busted Coverage has the pics of Candace Parker, Brazilian surfer Maya Gabeira, sailor Anna Tunnicliffe and MMA fighter Ronda Rousey, should you be interested.

– Arian Foster is now a vegan, causing people to forget that other players such as Tony Gonzalez have gone full veg and been all right from a strength and conditioning standpoint. On the upside: more Arian Foster vegetable reviews!