Jay Cutler’s true form

For years, NFL fans have poked fun at Jay Cutler’s disinterested demeanor without stopping to consider the reasons behind it. Just from looking at him, it’s easy to believe that Cutler is nothing but a self-entitled dick too convinced of his own greatness to care about literally anything. But the truth of the matter is that our powers of perception often lie to us, concealing a reality that offers more complex, challenging answers.

And that reality is that Jay Cutler is a cat. He is a common house cat disguised as a human being. I understand that this is difficult to accept and perhaps even fundamentally troubling to your set of beliefs about the world, but the sooner you accept the truth and disabuse yourself of comforting lies, the better off you will be.

What follows is an ironclad case for why Jay Cutler is actually felis domesticus:

IT IS NOT POSSIBLE FOR HUMANS TO CARE THAT LITTLE

Researchers have discovered that, more than any other species, cats possess an ability to not give a shit. Like most things, this was a natural adaptation to their surroundings. For a while, cats gave a shit, cared about things and showed emotion to loved ones on occasion. But this interfered with the ongoing mission of dogs to get as much attention as possible. Being the mightier species, dogs were able to suppress cats’ needs for bonding and attention for the sake of their own. Cats, as a result, adapted into an apathetic but surviving creature. As a species, humans care quite a bit about things. Even when humans want to pretend that they don’t care, they actually care a lot. Jay Cutler doesn’t care in a way that no human has ever not cared. Not about friends and family, his career, reputation, anything. Conducting brain scans when purportedly investigating the effects of a concussion, Bears team doctors discovered that Cutler’s brain simply lacks the capacity of caring, much like a cat’s. Because it is a cat’s brain. Because Jay Cutler is a cat.

IT WAS NOT A THUMB INJURY THAT ENDED JAY CUTLER’S 2011 SEASON

Rather, it was a prosthetic thumb injury. NFL officials have worked hard to hide the fact that Cutler wears fake thumbs on his paws, because they’d rather not have to explain why a cat is a starting quarterback in their league. You see, humans have thumbs whereas only a few types of cats have them, and none of those are of the opposable variety. Jay Cutler broke off his prosthetic thumb in a game last year and had to wait to get a new one, which takes a lot of time because there aren’t many manufacturers of fake thumbs for cats trying to pass off as human. Which is what Jay Cutler is. Because Jay Cutler is a cat.

IT IS NOT INSULIN THAT JAY CUTLER TAKES DURING GAMES

It’s supposedly common knowledge that Jay Cutler has type 1 diabetes. Few people would question such a claim because they don’t want to be appear rude, but perhaps some should because it is a lie. Jay Cutler does not have diabetes. He has Feline AIDS. This is another reason that the NFL is concerned about the truth getting out, because they fear potential liability issues related to an active player having Feline AIDS. Nevertheless, Cutler has it, though it is a treatable form of the disease.

KEYBOARD CAT IS FROM SANTA CLAUS, INDIANA

Coincidence? Hardly.

CATS HAVE EXCELLENT NIGHT VISION AND THE SAME IS TRUE OF JAY CUTLER

Why? Because Jay Cutler is a cat. Last season, he had a 98.3 rating when playing in the darkness on Monday night. Compare that to his 82.0 rating when playing on Sundays. The evidence speaks for itself.

JAY CUTLER SHITS IN A BOX

A joke frequently made about Jay Cutler is like he’s prone to shit the bed. While perhaps humorous to some, there isn’t a shred of truth to that vicious canard. Cats are tidy animals and would certainly never shit in a bed or any place that they may sleep. Instead, cats deposit their bodily waste in a litter box. The same is true of Jay Cutler. Because Jay Cutler is a cat.