Reader Michael pointed us to an online chat that Boston Globe NFL writer Greg Bedard did with readers. One of them actually asked Bedard whether the Patriots would ever consider bringing on Peter King as a special adviser to the team, the way the Red Sox did with Bill James. Bedard laughed it off, as he should, because it’s arguably the worst idea in human history.

Bill James was a pioneer of generating and applying advanced statistical analysis to a given sport. Peter King doesn’t know how to interpret a ball hitting the ground. “Gravitational forces could be at play, I think, unless they aren’t.” Let’s just say the idea of creating workable advanced statistics is a little out of his intellectual depth. But what if he he tried to do it anyway? Oh, that would be tremendous. Let’s imagine what a Peter King version of Sabermetrics would look like.

Loftiness Over Wichita Performance

Value Over Replacement Smiler

Autograph signing percentage

Quasi-wins Against Football Guys

Ultimate Citrus Rating

Cyanide Concretey-ness Index

First Grade in Sabremetrology 101

Acela Quiet Car LOUDgorithm

Total Precocious Rating

DecafVOA

Going Through Something Emotional-Independent Passer Rating

Nugget shares

All the existing Sabermetrics categories because if it works for baseball, IT HAS TO BE GOOD