Having lived for years in the home of Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis, receiver Chad Ochocinco believes himself mature enough now to start a life on his own, unsupervised and possibly responsible for the safety of others. To establish a sense of normalcy, Chad has decided to marry former reality star Evelyn Lozada.

Minister: We are gathered here today in the face of this company to join together Chad and Evelyn in holy matrimony. It is an honorable and solemn estate and therefore is not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently and soberly.

Chad: Sober? Can’t nobody be drinking at my wedding? Why didn’t someone tell me before I dropped a hundred grand on Ciroc?

Minister: No, Chad. That passage means that those who get married should consider the matter thoroughly and with sound judgment.

Chad: Sound judgment? I should get the blessing of a music critic? That don’t seem right.

Minister: Sound judgment means good judgment.

Chad: Well you should say good judgment. That makes more sense.

Minister: Okay, Chad. I’ll do that in the future.

[Exhales]

Into this estate these two persons come now to be joined. If any one can show just cause why they may not be lawfully joined together, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.

Chad: Wait, so somebody can break up this wedding just ’cause? That’s messed up. I invite these people to my wedding and one of them is gonna cancel it “just ’cause”.

Minister: No, that means if anyone has compelling evidence that proves that you and the bride are unfit to be wed, then they should let it be known before the two of you are joined. Otherwise they should never speak of it.

Chad: So one of my guests blurts out that I chew too loud, we can’t be married?

Minister: That’s not a reason why people shouldn’t get married.

Chad: But it could be!

Minister: But it’s not!

Chad: But it could be!

Minister: But it’s not!

Chad: IT COULD BE! Marriages are ruined all the time by loud chewing.

Minister: Okay. So do you think you chew too loud and that might jeopardize your marriage?

Chad: No, but that doesn’t mean somebody won’t say that.

Minister: No one will say that.

Chad: They could.

Minister: They won’t.

Chad: But they could!

Minster: Does anyone here believe Chad might chew too loud and that his loud chewing is a reason these two should not be wed?

[Silence]

Good.

Chad, do you take Evelyn for your lawful wedded wife, to live in the holy estate of matrimony? Will you love, honor, comfort, and cherish her from this day forward, forsaking all others, in sickness and in health, keeping only unto her for as long as you both shall live?

Chad: What about when I play The Sims?

Minister: The what?

Chad: When I play The Sims, sometimes I get married because the game makes you get married. Is that cheating?

Minister: No, that’s a video game. It’s not real.

Chad: But what if we have kids? They’ll be bastards.

Minister: Again, it’s a video game. Those children are not real.

Chad: But how do we know this is real? How do we know this isn’t a video game?

Minister: Life is not a video game, Chad.

Chad: How do you know? God controls shit. That’s like a video game. He could be laid out on his sky couch, high as fuck, eating spoonfuls of Nutella and playing The Sky Sims. He’s making this happen right now.

Minister: God is not a stoned gamer and life is not a video game.

Chad: You don’t know that. God gets high. If God doesn’t get high, explain penguins.

Minister: What do penguins have to do with anything?

Chad: See? You can’t do it. I rest my case: God gets high and life is a video game.

Minister: HOLY SHIT! EVELYN, RUN! GO WHILE YOU STILL CAN! RUN THE FUCK FAR AWAY FROM HERE AS FAST AS YOUR SPINDLY LEGS WILL CARRY YOU! WHY EVER YOU WOULD WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH THIS DANGEROUSLY RETARDED MUSH WIT IS BEYOND ME! THIS IS NOT A MAN TO START A FAMILY WITH! HE WILL NEGLECT YOUR CHILDREN IN FAVOR OF HIS VIDEO GAME FAMILY! YOU FIRST BORN WILL BE RUN OVER IN THE STREET WHILE HE SITS INSIDE YOUR HOUSE DROOLING AND IMAGINING A HOPPED-UP GOD PLAYING XBOX! THIS IS THE FUTURE YOU’RE SIGNING UP FOR!

Evelyn: I do.

Ocho: Me too.

Minister: Fine, great. Whatever. You’re married. Smash your tard faces together forever in matrimony. What do I care? Cut me my check and get me the fuck out of here.