That stripper was dead when I got here.

Welcome to Behind the PFT Headlines, where we save you time by guessing the story based on the provocative headline.

PFT PRESEASON POWER RANKINGS NO. 13: DETROIT LIONS

Get it? Because they’re the Lions and they’re unlucky. Like that one episode of Seinfeld where Jerry always breaks even. If things don’t get better for Detroit they should definitely start doing the opposite of what they’d normally do. It worked for George!

FITZGERALD: UNTIL WE GET A QB, MEGATRON IS A BETTER PICK THAN ME

How does the underside of that bus taste, Misters Skelton and Kolb? And here we thought Larry Fitzgerald was supposed to be such a great teammate. Hmm, seems like we’ve misjudged you, Larry. Tsk tsk tsk.

“CLOSE” LUCK DEAL CAN FINALLY BE CONSUMATED

Int. Jim Irsay’s office

The lights dim as Irsay takes Andrew Luck’s hand and guides the trembling rookie to an oversized sofa in the corner of the room…

DEZ BRYANT MENTOR: “HE LOVES HIS MOM TO DEATH”

Hey, he said it, not us. [throws up hands]

REDSKINS SIGN JOSH LERIBEUS TOO

Holy shit, please tell me you aren’t reading this. You couldn’t possibly have clicked through to read about the Redskins signing a reserve lineman who was drafted in the third round, right? I mean the only people who could possibly care are insane Redskins fans and they’re busy commenting at Redskins Insider.

BLACKMON’S DUI COULD KEEP HIM FROM GETTING TO CAMP ON TIME

If Blackmon’s license were to be suspended would he even be able to make it to camp on his own? Sources tell us he’d need to “bum a ride” from a teammate. Certainly not an ideal way to start an NFL career. This is the true cost of a drunk driving arrest.

POLAMALU SAYS HE HAS LIED ABOUT CONCUSSIONS TO KEEP PLAYING

Is it possible that those Head and Shoulders ads falsely misled viewers into thinking a full head of hair could prevent concussions and concussion related symptoms? That’s what some consumer advocacy organizations must be wondering this week. Ed. note: Oops, I slipped into Rovell mode there for a minute.