Hello, friends. I hope your Thursday finds you well, and that you have NFL Network on in the background as you absorb footage from training camp. BLESSED, BLESSED TRAINING CAMP. Oh God, the season’ so close! You can be distracted by the Olympics for the next three weeks, and then there will be preseason games and HOLY CRAP YOUR FANTASY DRAFT IS TOMORROW. It was a long, long offseason, but we’ve made it through the worst.

Well, except for the guy who bought a house with his girlfriend four days after she told him that she cheated on him (see below). That guy is still screwed. Everyone else can relax and read on:

(banner image via)

O Captain My Captain,
Fantasy : Any good late round running back sleepers to look out for? After Jamaal Charles went down last year, solidifying my legacy of losing early round picks to injury, picking up an early running back is too high risk for me.

If you’re afraid of losing fantasy players to injury, you probably shouldn’t be playing fantasy football. As for sleepers, look for guys who do well in the preseason that back up injury-prone starters. WHY HELLO THERE, MICHAEL BUSH AND MIKE GOODSON.

And what are Marmalard’s chances of doing anything productive after last year’s abysmal performance and without Vincent Jackson to float it to?

I haven’t done the research to back this up, but I would guess that Rivers’s numbers for the last years before 2011 were helped greatly by a noodle-armed quarterback’s security blankets: an All-Pro tight end and running backs with great hands (LaDainian Tomlinson and Darren Sproles). Gates was injured or ineffective for much of 2011, and Mike Tolbert — who became the go-to receiver out of the backfield — also missed significant playing time due to injury. I think those positions will have a greater effect on Rivers’s numbers in 2012 than the absence of Vincent Jackson.

Sex: Ok, so I am a college student interning in a city for the summer. I’ve always been kind of lost when it comes to love, sex and relationships. However, I met a girl in a program through my college in this city, and after recruiting a buddy of mine to serenade her in classic Top Gun fashion,

we ended up fooling around and really just spending a large amount of time in each other’s company. The sex is great (she’s insatiable and a yoga instructor) and we also get along really well. So it’s safe to say I’m starting to fall for this girl.

Unfortunately, she graduated, and I just hit the halfway mark of college. So obviously, this relationship goes no further than this summer, sadly. We broached the subject of the long-distance thing (since she lives 30 minutes from the campus), but she loves sex too much, I’ve had a horrible long-distance experience where I got played, and it seems like we are just in very different parts of our lives (she wants to be starting a family in 2 years, while I am looking to enjoy college and don’t want to think about 2 years from now).

LOL, young people with plans. So much to enjoy here: 30 minutes being “long distance,” a set time for starting a family when she doesn’t even have a boyfriend… please, go on.

My question is, how do I continue to have this awesome fling over the next 2-3 weeks without becoming more emotionally attached? Having read the mailbag religiously and also having spoken with my spirit guide, the Right Reverend Boatfucker (who actually introduced me to KSK), I know that to continue this long distance would be a waste of time, but I can be stupid and sentimental. Do you have any advice on how to enjoy the time I have without falling into the trap that is long-distance relationships?
Cheers,
Tiberius

Well, don’t be stupid and sentimental. Just enjoy getting laid — that really shouldn’t be difficult for a 20-year-old male to do. You can be clingy and emotional and try to get her to visit campus for sex AFTER the summer.

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Dear KSK,
FF: Keeper league. Pick one:
Antonio Brown – 10th Round
Miles Austin – 11th Round
Titus Young – 14th Round

Austin.

Sex: I live in Iowa. I am not from Iowa. I came here for college and never left. About 95% of the population in Iowa is from Iowa. The only people that move to Iowa from outside of Iowa, I’m told, are idiots. Like me.

And writers for the MFA program. So yes: idiots.

I’ve been here for about a decade now, and I have never never dated an Iowan, and not by choice. I’ve gotten down with a few, but there are plenty of farmer’s daughters that I’d like to explore slipping a ring on, but, well, something just doesn’t compute. My relationship history whilst living here has included a girl from Wisconsin who broke up with me to move home, a girl who was raised in California, and two dumbass long-distance relationships with girls from my home town more than three hours away.

Your hometown is THREE HOURS AWAY FROM IOWA??!?!?!? My God! That must be NOTHING AT ALL like Iowa! How have you survived an ENTIRE DECADE of crippling culture shock?

Now, I love Iowa. I really do. I’m very comfortable, I have a lot of friends, and really enjoy my life here. Do you think there’s an actual disconnect between yourself and women based on where you grew up? Am I automatically a turn-off to Iowa girls because I didn’t wrestle in high school, detassle corn every summer growing up or have an uncle who works on a hog farm? Can they smell it on me? I’m just a shithead from the suburbs of a city with a population larger than the entire state I live in. Is that an automatic disqualifier?
– Hayden Fish Fry

“Golly gawsh, Hayden Fish Fry, I could never date someone from a BIG OL’ SUBURB.” –Nobody, ever

Stop being stupid. You’re not from Zimbabwe or China or even Florida. You’re from THREE HOURS AWAY. If you’re as happy as you say you are, then stay put and be patient. If you want a bigger dating pool, then step away from being comfortable and move to Chicago. That city’s great. It’s got all the trappings of any other great city, except all the people are super-friendly because they’re Midwesterners.

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KSK,
Sexy: I’ve been in an up and down, but healthy relationship with my girlfriend for close to 5 years now (26m, 24f). In April, as a groomsman, I had a bachelor party to attend which involved visiting a strip club or 3 (which the gf has never been wholeheartedly comfortable with, but had accepted this as a pre-wedding ritual). To my own surprise, I actually behaved myself as well as a drunk dude can in a palace of boobies out of respect for us, her self consciousness, etc. Well I get home from said bachelor party and walk into a confession from my gf that she got upset enough about the thought of me bathing in g-strings to black out and end up cheating on me with an ex-coworker the night I was out with my bromies in another city. Now this is completely uncharacteristic of her and, in my heart, I knew she didn’t do it maliciously to hurt me – but naturally, it hurt like bitchtits.

“I gave you permission to go to a strip club, but I was so mad about it that I got wasted and cheated on you. Wasn’t trying to hurt you, though.”

Bad news, friend: If your girl wasn’t being malicious about cheating on you, then she was merely stupid, jealous, immature, and insecure. I think I might prefer malicious.

Normally, this would be an F U deal breaker for me and would have probably ended it right then – but not only had we invested too much time to not try and work through it, but there’s the minor curveball that…I was signing for co-ownership on our first house in FOUR days.

No. Oh no. No no no no no no. Tell me you didn’t. You did, didn’t you? Oh God please don’t be that dumb.

As you can imagine, I felt incredibly trapped in the relationship for those next 4 days with the decision I would have to make both financially and emotionally. Ultimately, I decided that we should try and work through it as I can certainly relate to the mistakes one can make when visiting Black Out City, and worst-case-scenario, we split/sell the house…

Why hello there, Bad Idea Jeans commercial. “Normally, her cheating on me would be a dealbreaker, but I was about to make a huge financial investment to live with her permanently…” –You, just now, pretending to live in a world where that makes sense

Flash forward several months and we’re still having problems

(not exclusively related to the topic at hand, but primarily). I want to forgive her and have, but am having trouble forgetting. I’m an extreme optimist, but its still weighing on me mentally and is affecting my ability to stay positive about us. Though most importantly, it’s having a mental impact on sexytime for me. Not so much confidence or esteem issues – but more visualizing her with someone else affecting my attraction to her…any insight on how to overcome this?

Yes. BREAK THE FUCK UP.

As an aside, this guy had his hands all over my girlfriend without repurcussion – any insight on how to get less pissed off about that?

Absolutely! Once you’ve broken up with her, you go around having sex with whoever you want to.

Listen, I get it: people make mistakes. You’ve invested a lot of time — and now, stupidly, money — in this relationship. But you’re being TOO forgiving. You said that you “can certainly relate to mistakes” made while blacked out, but have YOU ever cheated on your girlfriend after blacking out? The booze is nothing more than an excuse. She was pissed and insecure about you doing something she didn’t like (again: even though she gave you the go-ahead), so she irresponsibly put herself in a position to cheat on you. Nothing about her  immature and passive-aggressive line of thinking represents the kind of person I’d want to buy a house with or dedicate years of my life to, and the fact that you’re making excuses for her shitty behavior reveals that you’re trapped in a relationship with a VERY controlling person (I’m speaking from experience here).

So, welcome to your worst-case scenario. Sell the house.

Fantasy: Our fantasy league has a great rivalry between 2 members that share an ex-gf. Needless to say, they have an {Ex-GF} Bowl. They’re the whitest dudes ever and ‘rap battle’ about it on the iPhone T-Pain app like buffoons, and the following is an instant classic detailing one of their nights in college with a girl that resembled a mountain troll. Ungodly stupid, but catchy – enjoy!!
Warmest regards,
Strippers and Mortgages

I did everyone the favor of deleting that link. I made it through five seconds, then I realized that I was listening to white people I don’t know using an autotune app to “rap battle” about something I don’t care about. I’m not sure why, but I blame Bill Simmons for you wanting to share that.

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To Internet person answering things,
Fantasy: Started an auction keeper last year with a bunch of friends. A minority of them are bitching that they like snake-draft more, completely ignoring the fact it would fuck up the entire keeper aspect from last year. The best course of action is to tell them to quit, either the league or their bitching since they signed up for it knowing the rules, right?

I guess. Though I suppose you could be a bit more polite and/or democratic about it. If the majority of the league is fine with the auction draft, the rest of the folks should stick with it.

Sex(ish):I wrote in a few months ago about a girl who gave bad blow jobs. I said “gave” because your advice worked, and now there are better blow jobs, so good job and thanks!

Hooray!

Now, we’ve been dating a while, things are going great. All of our friends even get along, so that’s pretty sweet. Except one her friends is an absolute raging cunt.

Whoa, that’s some heavy artillery.

I usually avoid using that word, but she deserves it. I am yet to meet anybody who likes her, even the lady and her other friends admit she’s a tremendous bitch. I am especially annoyed because (confirmed by her friends and mine) she is exceptionally bitchy to me. The girlfriend knows she is a bitch and that I hate her. Now, I’m aware it is likely because I am the new boyfriend (even though we’ve been together half a year or so) and stealing time they could be hanging, but that is some horse shit. I did not know the bitchy friend until I began seeing the girlfriend, and this cunt has never been nice. The girlfriend says I’m always nice to her, but she fails to reciprocate.

So, I’m at the limit. I basically want to tell this horrible girl something along the lines of she hates me for dating her friend, which is shitty because then she hates her friends happiness; she hates me because she thinks her friend has horrible taste in guys, which is a shitty thing to imply about a friend of yours; or she just hates me because I’m a dude and she is an unattractive, horrible person to be around and I wouldn’t give her a half second of my life if not for the girl I am happily dating. And regardless of her reason, I just want to tell her, directly, that I’m not taking her acting like a cunt towards me for no fucking reason and would appreciate being treated like a person and not sack of crap.

Is this a bad idea, because I am thinking logically and women-folk are heavily involved here? Or is there a better option that I’m missing because of my hate-rage towards this girl?

–No More Aloe Needed

Yes, it’s a bad idea. Shitheads like this girl always win pissing contests. If you blow up at her about being a bitch, she’ll just use it against you — not only will she have a REAL reason to hate you instead of whatever personal shortcoming causes the dislike now, but she’ll use the exchange against you the next time she talks to your girlfriend.

The only way to defeat assholes like this girl is with politeness and public shaming. The next time she’s a bitch to you in front of a group of people — IMPORTANT: the more witnesses the better — you have to calmly call her on it. “Hey, Mary [that's the bitch's fake name, because nobody has the courtesy to give me fake names in their emails], did I really deserve that? Is there something I did to you that makes you treat me so poorly? Because you always put me down in front of Joanna [fake name], and that’s really disrespectful and hurtful. I just don’t understand why you do that. Do you not want Joanna and me to hang out with our friends?”

See what I did there? With the phrasing of that last sentence, you made yourself part of the circle of friends and put HER on the outside. If she blows up at your calm questions, it confirms that she’s a bitch and you win. If she leaves in tears, you say, “I don’t understand why she’s crying — I’m the one who’s been taking all the abuse.” But remember: this all hinges on you keeping your cool. You’re trying to win over females, and you do that by stressing feelings and winning their empathy. A raised voice or a perceived threat will make you look like an aggro male asshole.

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Dear KSK,
Fantasy Football: I’m in a 16-team keeper league and am not sure whom to hold onto. Rules state that you must keep 2 players and that players cannot be kept for longer than 2 seasons (if I draft someone in Year 1 & keep them for Years 2 and 3 but trade them during Year 3, they have to go back into the draft after Year 3). My team has some quality potential keepers in Marshawn Lynch, Forte, Stafford, Welker and Bradshaw. Of note:

· Passing TDs are worth 6 points.
· Receptions are worth 0.5 points
· Lineup is QB, RB, 2 WR, TE & Flex, so you don’t have to play 2 RB
· I am drafting last in the 1st Round & do not have a 2nd Rd pick (traded it to get Lynch and won the title)
· Of those 5, all of them except Forte can potentially be kept for 2 seasons (drafted Forte in 2010 & kept him for 2011)

I was originally thinking Lynch & Stafford but the recent DUI by Beast Mode has me reconsidering it due to the strong chances of a 4-game suspension. Would you still keep Lynch or roll the dice on Forte’s knee/playing next to Cutlerfuck? Or would Welker or Bradshaw be a more reliable route to go?

I’d go with Forte and Welker. Bill Barnwell had a great article on Grantland this week about the best running back in football, and it made a compelling case that Forte was a Top-5 running back (Lynch was not). Welker, meanwhile, is a Top-5 wide receiver — especially in PPR leagues like yours — whereas Matt Stafford doesn’t rank as highly and gets injured more often than Forte.

Sex: No complaints and nothing extremely interesting going on there. I offer these 3 pics of a young Ann Margret as recompense to you & the Kommentariat for the lack of a relationship and/or sex-related question.
-Inanimate Carbon A-Rod

Pictures of Ann-Margret… ACCEPTED. For anyone else who enjoys old-timey sexiness as much as I do, please see this Sexy Friday I posted a while back. It’s fantastic. Even the picture of Paul Newman gets me hot.

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Flight Attendants of Foreplay,
Football: I’m in a keeper league with some friends and I’m having trouble determining how I should go about this. As keeper options, I have Run DMC (1st round), Fitzy (2nd) and Gronk (undrafted but under our keeper rules would be a 1st rounder… I think these are ridiculous keeper rules, btw).

I agree with you. That’s terrible.

I’m picking 4th in this year’s draft. I’m wary of DMC because well… he’s with the Raiders and breaks down every year and usually is a disaster. Fitzy is good value I think in the 2nd, especially since we do a snake draft of 12 people and I’d be picking him 20th. Any TE isn’t worth a first rounder, right?

I have to agree. Gronkowski’s monster year last year could justify a 1st-round pick, but it’s unsound to assume he’ll have the same record-breaking year.

The caveat to this is that I honestly don’t know who will be available at #4. Ideally I’d take Fitzy in the 2nd and pair him with a good running back in the 1st but all the good running backs could be kept and what am I left with? For the sake of advice, let’s assume that all the top running backs are taken, who do I take at #4? I’ve never been in a keeper league before so I don’t really know what the best approaches are to this.

You’ll still have options at 4. Let’s assume Ray Rice, LeSean McCoy, and Arian Foster go 1-2-3 (and if they don’t, you should take one of them with your pick). I think Matt Forte is a worthy option at 4, and Maurice Jones-Drew probably still has one more very good year before the wheels fall off. If you’re uncomfortable with those guys, there’s nothing wrong with saying “Fuck it” and taking Aaron Rodgers or Tom Brady — just be aware that your #1 RB will be whoever’s available at the beginning of the 3rd round.

Sex: I’m not going to lie I tried to think of a good question here, but I simply couldn’t. I’m getting married next year and don’t really have any complaints about our sex life. So, in that case I’m going to forgo the obligatory sexy pic of some chick none of the Kommentariat will ever sniff (although if I was going to it would be a picture of Michelle Jenneke)

In case you missed Jenneke’s rise to fame on With Leather, here’s what you need to know:

and I’m going to send some good vibes your way and wish you many years of happiness with your new wife and hope those years are filled with lots of baby making practice. HOWEVAH, we just got the check from her dad for their contribution to the wedding. Is it wrong with me to want to take this money out of my account in small bills, make a huge pile out of it on the floor and have wild, hot sex with her on it? If it’s wrong, I definitely don’t want to be right.
Sincurrly,
Scrooge McDuck

Whatever it takes to get laid during your engagement, go for it. Between now and the wedding, you’re going to need an awfully big pile of money on the bed to distract her from pictures of dried thistle clusters in mason jars on Style Me Pretty.