Pretty skimpy turnout for this week’s mailbag. Either you readers are distracted during the holiday week or you simply don’t trust me with your relationship problems. If the latter is the case, I don’t blame ya. As the only KSKer not only not married, but not even with anyone, I really can’t claim authority on the subject of working relationships, but I’m gonna give it the ol’ blogger try.

Since you’re entrusting me with your issues, here’s my situation: I got out of a long-term relationship about three months back. Since then, I’ve been on a handful of dates, two of which were with a Ravens fan who works for the NFLPA. Beyond the wildly conflicting NFL rooting interests, there wasn’t a whole lot of chemistry. More recently, I hooked up with a girl I brought home from a party. She later did some online legwork on me and found KSK. The next time she saw me, she accused me of being “an Internet perv” before we hooked up a second time.

Like I said, I couldn’t be more unqualified to dispense dating advice, but here it is anyway:

Gentlemen,

Sex AND Fantasy Football:
To determine this year’s draft order, I recorded a video of topless cam-whore drawing 14 names out of a hat (actually, it was a beer box –bless her heart!). Told her to have fun with it and she really sold it. The best part was the background music … from NFL Films!

Cost: $45.

Passing on a pro-tip for dedicated commissioners everywhere while scraping for accolades,
-NOT Nick from Wisconsin

That’s… not a question at all. We’re off to a great start. As for your idea, you probably could have gotten a cut-rate cam whore to have done it for even less on Fiverr, but I suppose $45 is a decent deal for someone who doesn’t weigh three bills and is willing to add very dramatic football music to their cam whoredom.

Dear sir,

How are you?

I am well.

/coughs

No football question due to the fact that I’ve been court mandated to avoid all fantasy sports. Feel free to imagine that scenario. Or not.

I do however have a sex question so this letter isn’t completely pointless.

Whew.

For the first time in my life I’m in an adult relationship, six months in and it’s almost impossibly perfect. The only area that could be improved is the frequency of sex. When we have it it’s amazing but I want it every day and she’s okay with going two or three days (on average) without. She’s tired a lot or more interested in just hanging out with our clothes on. Now that’s fine, I understood she wasn’t that sexual from the start of the relationship, I won’t hold it against her.

The other day however she told me she bought a vibrator. This bothered me because she claimed she was being perfectly fulfilled, but then why bother buying one if she’s fulfilled? I’m not fulfilled so if she felt there was a need for a vibrator why not just try having more sex first? She’s fulfilled, she doesn’t need more sex. Well then why buy one? Her response was that I’m not always available. So now my worries are that because she has convenient access to a vibrator she’ll be less likely to fight through the tired feelings when we’re together because tomorrow when she has energy and I’m not around, she has that other option. She said that was crazy and nothing would change.

Basically I’m asking if I’m overreacting or if it’s a legit concern.

– The Green(One)-Eyed Monster

I think you’re overreacting to the vibrator purchase, yes. Just because someone is getting the amount of actual sex that they want, doesn’t mean they don’t also want to be masturbating. Why? Because masturbating is awesome. Even if the two of you were going at it on a daily basis like you’d prefer, can you honestly tell me you’d never fap? I doubt it. Obviously, if the amount of sexy time the two of you experience continues to wane, you have a serious issue on your hands, so to speak. But even if it doesn’t, you need to decide how much of an issue frequency of sex is and will continue to be for you. You say that you knew she wasn’t much of a sex fiend when you met her, so it’s doubtful that she’s gonna suddenly morph into one going forward. Is that enough to make you give up the “impossible perfection” that is your relationship? Your call.

Hopefully this one makes the cut,

Not a fantasy football player, but I’ll ask on behalf of Titans fans/fantasy players everywhere-are we going to see Jake Locker or Matt Hasselbeck starting the majority of the games for the Titans this year?

From what I’ve heard, Locker and Hasselbeck have both impressed during off-season workouts, with Hasselbeck having the edge on the starting job. If all goes well, the Titans are a borderline Wild Card team with Hasselbeck under center. That’s probably not the case with Locker, at least right now. I were a Titans fan , I’d rather Locker start his learning curve as soon as possible rather than the team play out the string with a guy who’s just all right, but Munchak seems like one of those coaches who wants his starter to have earned his role through superior play. That said, if Tennessee struggles at all in the early going, I’d imagine Locker gets most of the starts this year.

Onto the romance. I went on a few dates with this girl a couple months ago, knowing that she had broken up with a mutual acquaintance several months before that. I was planning to take things pretty slowly on account of the recent breakup. She had other plans, as she let me know after those three dates that she wasn’t ready to date again as of yet, and we would need to be friends for the immediate future (although she refused to rule out the possibility that we could date again later). I talked to her again recently, and she reiterated that she just wanted to be friends “for now” and she again refused to rule out dating in the future. I suspect it may be because the former BF is still in town (although he’s leaving soon). Should I check in on her again after the former BF leaves? Take into account that she’s really cool, funny, attractive, we get along great, etc. and due to my job and various other personal responsibilities, I really don’t have the time to go out and meet other girls.

Thanks,

Very Confused

It sucks that you’re buried in your job and all, but this girl is stringing you along. Either she’s a total shit who likes the attention without actually liking you or she doesn’t have the courage to tell you she’s not interested. It’s also possible that she’s keeping you in her back pocket in case she gets desperate, but that’s not something you really want to count on, much less think of yourself as. Feel free to continue to hang out with her if you two are friends, but I wouldn’t occupy time and energy that could be spent meeting new people. I don’t know what you do, but I imagine you could make that happen if you’re willing to stop clinging to this prospect and give it a try.

Dearest Ape of All Seasons,

Football: I’ve got two leagues on the go. One keeper, one non-keeper – I know there’s another word for that, but I’m firing on maybe one full cylinder and can’t remember what the fuck it is

Standard?

- and enjoying them both. However, the guys running the non-keeper have announced they’re going to be making a change for this coming year and including IDPs for the first time. At the moment, I think the plan is simply to keep the roster as is (QB, RBx2, WRx2, TE, RB/WR/TE, K, Defense Unit) and add in a single IDP slot. It strikes me as weird to pick both a defense and a defensive player, but I’m cool with it. I don’t know the first thing about IDP drafting, however, so:

1) Should I be looking to draft a linebacker, a lineman or a secondary player? The fact it’s 1 point for a tackle vs. 6 for a sack makes me think lineman, but interceptions are worth 10 points a pop (and pick sixes are 16 points) and it’s apparently not difficult to find linebackers who end up with 180+ points on the year because their tackle counts are so high.

Interception totals are fairly difficult to predict from year to year. That goes double for pick-sixes. I mean, unless you grab Ed Reed, it’s a definite crapshoot. For what it’s worth, the best IDP players from last year were either pass rushing defensive ends or linebackers with huge tackle totals.

2) It won’t matter as much in the long run as, say, picking a team’s starting QB and RB, but should I try to avoid taking an IDP from the same team whose DEF unit I’ve picked?

It’s not like taking the two starting receivers from a single team. The unit excelling as a whole doesn’t necessary take anything away from the one defender. Then again, it’s possible you get hit doubly hard when the defense gets blown out.

3) From the keeper league – Cam Newton or Rongrastname? I desperately want to keep Cam and dump Ben, but that’s mostly out of Ravens fandom.

It can also be out of “he’s just a better fantasy QB” reasons. I mean, there’s a threat of a sophomore slump for Cam and THE BEN might fare a little better now that the Steelers finally decided to give him functional linemen, but the Steelers have also said they want to focus more on the running game, which might just negate that improvement from a fantasy standpoint.

Sex: I actually came here thinking this problem was the primary one and yet I can sum this up in a sentence – I take far too long to orgasm. Some background: I got circumcised about a year ago, because my foreskin was so tight it made trying to have sex incredibly painful. Although I never managed to successfully orgasm when with a lady before then, it’s still very difficult now, and after hearing about how blowjobs were so fucking awesome for years, fellatio has just been disappointing. I know seeking advice from an actual medical professional is the right thing to do, I’m seeing my doctor next week, but hey, you asked for questions: what can I do to help this?

Cheers,
Postmature Ejaculator

Not to defer to a medical professional, but, actually, yes, that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

Long time reader, firs time writer. Let’s start with the pigskin!

FOOSEBALL: Heading into year 3 of a 10 team keeper league in which I’m the commissioner (no forfeited draft picks for each keeper). Highlights of the past two years include never making the playoffs and taking Rashard Mendenhall over Calvin Johnson with the first pick in year 2 (*loads pistol*). Anyways, my keepers for this year are going to be Matt Stafford and AP. Not happy about it, but I feel like if I keep Jennings over Peterson that would completely cement my legacy of fucking up in the initial draft when I took him 3rd overall over guys like Brady, Rodgers, Rice and McCoy.

Thing you should not be concerned about in fantasy football: your “legacy”.

I won the losers playoff bracket and thus will be selecting first in August’s draft. It should also be noted that we’re also switching to .5 PPR. There’s going to be some solid talent available, but I’m terrified of fucking up like I did last year with Mendenhall. Out of Victor Cruz, Ryan Matthews, Jimmy Graham, Larry Fitzgerald, Trent Richardson, Jamaal Charles and Matt Forte, who do you think I should go for? My heart is telling me Graham, but my mind is telling me that’s way too early to take a TE, especially because I won’t be picking again until 20. How should I approach this draft?

If Forte’s not still holding out, take him. If not, grab Fitty.

And now, the pink skin!

Tee hee.

SEXY TIME: I’m 24 now and have been dating my girlfriend for the past two and a half years. We started going out during my last semester of college (played the field for 7 semesters, then settled down) and she just graduated. I love her and we have a ton of fun together. Our sex life is still going strong (obviously it’s cooled off compared to when we were in college and could go at it all day/night) and she gets along well with my friends/family and vice versa, and she’ll be moving to my city in the fall. Everything sounds great, and on paper it is, but there’s a catch (albeit a possibly shallow one at that).

Quasi-superficial-esque?

At around the time we met I was living your typical, unhealthy, frat bro lifestyle. Drinking 5x a week and smoking everyday to go along with my horrific diet and lack of exercise. I was having the time of my life and ironically it almost cost me my life. By the time it was all said and done I had ballooned to 265 lbs (I’m 6’4) and had about three chins. God bless my girlfriend for staying with me, but here’s where it gets tricky.

Since I’ve been in the real world I’ve formed good habits, and with the help of exercise and a steady diet I’ve managed to get back into playing shape, down 40 pounds to about 225. I’ve been getting hit on left and right when I go out from total strangers and needless to say I’m feeling pretty good about myself. My girlfriend on the other hand has gone the other way and has put on a solid amount of weight (maybe 25 pounds or so, but I’m horrible at judging these types on things). Regardless, it’s very noticeable. So my question for you is do I owe her a free pass on the weight gain since she was there for me when I was at my worst? And does wishing that she would get skinnier make me an asshole? Also, how can I go about encouraging her to get in shape without coming right out and saying it?

-The Biggest Loser

I think you owe her an opportunity to get it back under control. Does wishing she hadn’t gained a bunch of weight make you an asshole? Yeah, probably. But so does coasting through a relationship with someone you’re not attracted to. Plus, y’know, her current lifestyle probably isn’t all that healthy. It takes serious neglect to get fat in your early 20s.

There’s no easy way to confront her about the weight, so the first thing you can do is examine what role you’ve played in her putting on pounds. Not to say you made her fat, per se, but you may have contributed without realizing it. How are you behaving when you spend time together? Even with your more responsible diet, you’re a pretty big dude and can get away with eating a lot more than she can. Are you going out with her and eating burgers or some greasy shit on the reg? Sure, you’re exercising later, but she likely isn’t. If that’s the case, try to eat a little better when she’s around. And try to plan activities where you two are being active.

If that doesn’t make any headway, explain to her that you’re deeply appreciative of how she dated you when you weren’t in the best shape. Nevertheless, you recognized that wasn’t the best condition for you to be in and you forced yourself to make a change. Offer to help her do the same thing. She’ll still be pissed off at you, but it’s either that or be unhappy until she comes to that realization herself, if at all.