I know that this here is an NFL blog, and many of you hate soccer. You are welcome to do so, and I won’t try to sell you on the game. I merely bring this up because the European Championship is SERIOUSLY cutting into my mailbag-writin’ time, and for that I apologize. But it’s not ALL bad, because soccer tournament = hardcore fans = great crowd shots. Today, Ireland got their asses kicked by Spain, and we got these:

HAHAHHAHAHAH oh man, that old guy crying makes my day. He’s the Irishest old Irishman there ever was. “Oooooh they got me Lucky Charms!”

Okay, sorry about that foray into another sport; I hope the bouncing breasts helped mitigate that. Here’s your crappy mailbag, which would be a lot better if more people emailed me their problems.

Prince of Common Sense,
Fantasy: Starting a keeper league after taking over for a commissioner that had the following in place: 7 starters *including* DEF, 13 on the bench; 1 PPR; 6 pt. TD; and ONE INDIVIDUAL DEFENSIVE PLAYER. Guh. Last year’s league had 8 people down from 14 from 12 years ago, and we have had several absentee/autodraft owners in that time span. It was time for a change.

Going to the following model (QB, RB, 2 WR, TE, RB/WR Flex, TE/WR Flex, K, Team D) with the following scoring system (feel free to cut and paste only what you find valuable for sharing with the Kommentariat):

NOTE: What followed in the email was an EXTREMELY long chart of  fantasy scoring values. What follows is an abridged version that highlights the crux of of madness.

Completions: .5
Passing Yards: 50 yards per point
Passing Touchdowns: 3

Rushing Yards: 25 yards per point
Rushing Touchdowns: 6

Receptions: .5
Reception Yards: 15 yards per point
Reception Touchdowns: 3

My rationale on the starters matches various offensive formations (four wide, pro set, etc.) allowing for you to maximize your starters/match-ups based on how well you draft, and the scoring system mainly takes into account that it takes a receiver and a QB to have a completion/passing touchdown.

I’m choosing not to visit the planet where your logic works, because I embarked on that journey for a couple minutes and my skull started getting compressed from the interdimensional travel.

Plus, I got tired of watching the QBs in our league put up 80-100 points a game based on the old scoring system. Your thoughts on the current setup? Any scoring too low or too high in your opinion?

So, okay, you don’t want quarterbacks to have so much value. But why are receiving yards more valuable than running yards, while rushing touchdowns are twice as valuable as receiving touchdowns? You’re overthinking this. Stop tinkering with every little value. Make all receiving and rushing touchdown worth six points. Ten yards rushing or receiving should equal one point. Twenty-five yards passing = 1 point. If you don’t want quarterbacks scoring so many points, don’t give them half a point per completion, dingus.

Sexy Time: Reading your comments last week about your impending nuptuals and your outlook on relationships, specifically, “it took me several cautious months to recognize and understand that as a more mature version of love than what I’d felt before.” – I’m 37 and 2 years our of a divorce, with sporadic hook-ups and short-term dating in that time. My current girlfriend is wonderful and the best part is that I love to talk to her (even on the phone and I barely talk to anyone on the phone). She has a 5-year old that I get along great with (met him 3 months in), she has her masters and sex is good (not great, but we’re in the beginning stages of that part of the relationship, so that’s not a be-all, end-all factor…yet?).

My only problem is, I don’t eagerly look forward to spending time with her, nor do I miss her when she’s not around. Once we get together, it’s great, and I enjoy the time immensely. But when we have plans (even when those plans are booty-call in nature because she has babysitting), I don’t spend any time in anticipation prior to us meeting up. I’m just wondering if that’s normal for anyone else, and/or if you have any of your usually cogent, pragmatic, practical suggestions for this lack of excitement?

Thanks a bunch.

The New Gingerhammer (it’s a double-entendre because I’m the new commish and my girlfriend is a redhead)

My sex advice is similar to my fantasy advice: don’t overthink this. Keep spending time with her until you get clearer feelings either way. Don’t mess with something that works.

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Dear Man in Cave:
Fantasy: I always like to draft a 3rd qb in the later rounds just in case he surprises everyone. We have a lot of bench spots in our league for some reason, so the roster space doesn’t matter. This strategy has worked out for me pretty well; a few years ago I landed Vick when he was coming back from the dog fighting fiasco, and last year I got Cam. This year, I’m trying to decide between RGIII, Luck, and Flynn. This isn’t a keeper league, so who do you think will have the best year in 2012?

My homerism leads me to believe that Flynn will have the best 2012, but the Seahawks offense isn’t really built for a quarterback to put up great fantasy numbers. It might be worth going for RGIII since he’ll likely be adding some rushing yards that will pad his fantasy stats. (Of course, Luck is a strong, fast runner as well, but he’s white so my brain won’t think of him that way.)

Sex: My wife and I have been happily married for five years. We’ve been together for ten. We are in our mid-thirties, have a wonderful daughter together, and are still deeply in love. Our sex life has always been a little vanilla, but whatever, it’s not the end of the world or anything. A few months ago, out of the clear blue (believe that or not, but it’s true), I started to have a cuckold fantasy involving my wife. I told her about it when we were messing around, and she’s been happy to indulge in the fantasy the last few times we’ve had sex. I dare say she even enjoyed it.

How does one indulge in this fantasy without a third party? Does your wife pretend you’re someone else? I honestly don’t know.

Here’s the thing: I can’t stop thinking about it, and now I’m at the point where I think I’d like to try it out. I’m not afraid of approaching her about it; she’ll either say yes or no, but either way, she won’t be angry with me or anything. If we go through with it, maybe it will be a wonderful experience that brings us closer together, but I have to admit that I worry about the negative and unforeseen consequences. Maybe I’ll feel too vulnerable watching another guy fuck my wife, or maybe she’ll want to start fucking other guys more regularly without my permission. Then again, maybe this will be the gateway to a more satisfying sex life. If I were in my twenties and this were just a girlfriend, I’d do it. But this is my wife, the mother of my child, and the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. What do you think? Is it worth the risk?
Best,
Cuckold Noob

I’ll try not to be a square about this. What goes on between two people in a marriage — or two people in a marriage and a consenting third party — is their own business, and a happy sex life contributes to a happy marriage. So you’ll get no judgment from me, even if your fantasy is SUPER DUPER WEIRD.

How about an allegory? Would an allegory help? Let’s try this: when I came back from Iraq a couple friends lighter, I was acutely aware of how thin the line between life and death is. Stereotypical war revelation. So I decided I didn’t want to take any unnecessary chances that could get me killed. I stopped driving fast (my move to New York was influenced by not having to own a car), decided I’d never bungee jump or go sky diving, shit like that. It might mean fewer thrills over the course of my life, but I want to make sure I max out my years on this planet.

So! That weak-ass Hallmark story sez: you have a wife you love and a young daughter. Don’t take chances with your family just because you want your fantasy fulfilled. Some fantasies are better off not becoming reality.

Or maybe I’m just square.

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Captain Caveman,
Football: I’m always in favor of being in as complicated a league as possible, as that mitigates the chance that an idiot will show up on draft day with his magazine (that is two months out of date) and luck into a championship when he lucks into the late round pick that turns into a top 5 player at his position.

“I hate it when someone who doesn’t try as hard makes better decisions than I do.”

With that mind, I try to get people to go auction over draft, that kind of thing. I just got an offer to join a new dynasty league that’s going to be starting up. This is the kind of thing I’ve always wanted to do, but now looking at it it seems daunting. This is also going to be the fourth fantasy league I’m in this year. While I’m sure people in the komments are in many more, it’s still a lot of work sometimes. Especially Sunday morning when you have a game time decision that you keep waiting to see if he’s going to play or not. I’ll probably end up doing it anyway, but do you have any thoughts on dynasty leagues?

Nope, I’m lazy as shit. I like showing up on draft day and winging it. I respect the people who have the savvy and expertise to do auction drafts, but I’m not interested in putting in any more effort.

Sex/Relationship, or the lack thereof: This is really why I’m here. As you can probably tell, I’ve gone anonymous on this one, creating a new gmail account solely to email you. I feel like I’m beyond anyone’s help, but if nothing else at least I can be the guy everyone else looks down on.

Aww, hey. We’re not like that. This is a supportive community. Unless you’re a Cowboys fan.

I’m 29 years old, and I’m a virgin.

Can we go back to the fantasy football question for a second? Because you should probably stay away from the dynasty league for the time being.

Even more than that, I’ve hardly ever dated. I have trouble relating to people, especially when I’m just meeting them. I have this thing where I have real trouble remembering the names of marginal people I meet at the edges of my life. Very awkward when I run into them again later. I’d say that a lot of the symptoms of Asperger’s syndrome sound very familiar to me, except that I’ve seen/heard several people ridicule the concept of “self-diagnosed Asperger’s” and the last thing I want is to be thought of as an asshole. Believe me, I don’t feel wacky or special. And the few woman I’ve gotten over my awkwardness enough to open up to them (usually co-workers) have placed me firmly in the friend zone.

That sounds like Asperger’s to me, too, but  I’m also not a licensed mental health professional. I’m not eve a professional anything.

I think if any one thing could be the biggest problem, it’s that I assume that women have no interest in me. So maybe I miss out on opportunities to talk to some of them because it’s like, why bother? But really, can you blame me? At some point in a relationship you get to the issue of sex. Female kommenters, feel free to offer your opinion, but I’m pretty sure you have no interest in reliving the awkward fumbling sexual encounters that you had in your teens or whatever.

So before I go too long, should I just kill myself? (Note that regardless of your answer, I’m not going to actually kill myself).
-Fake Name

Of course not. But you have a real problem, and it’s not being a virgin — it’s your failure to connect with other people. I think it’s probably worth your while to see a psychiatrist or psychologist to get a legitimate diagnosis. If you have Asperger’s, then there are specific steps to can take (and groups you can join) that will help you navigate the world of social interaction. Or maybe you’re just an awkward loner who plays too much fantasy football, in which case you need to go out and get some hobbies that involve other people.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with either of these things, you just need to identify the problem and find a solution. Eventually, when you can connect with a woman socially and emotionally, she will likely be patient about your inexperience.

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Dear Poon Talkin’ Guy,
Football: It looks like this season will open with four rookie quarterbacks (Luck, RG3, Tannehill, Weeden) throwing to four shitty receiving corps (Indy, DC, Miami, Cleveland). Do you see any value in any of the WRs on these teams? If so, do you like anyone in particular?

No.

Sex: I never got into Facebook. I keep my own counsel, and I don’t care about your shitty baby or your photo of a margarita taken with Instagram.

Your life is richer for it.

I have an account, but I only use it to keep in touch with the two long distance asshole friends who only communicate via Facebook chat. How much sex am I leaving on the table by disregarding this medium? How can I use it best? If it matters, I’m what you see in the dictionary when you look up “typical 30 year old man”.
Regards,
Ludd

“Typical 30 year old man” is actually not in the dictionary, so I don’t know what that means. I also regret to inform you that don’t know how to use Facebook for sex. In my experience, I’ve met people in real life, then become Facebook friends with them later. (Exception: readers I’ve never met who send me friend requests. That’s very uncomfortable for me. Please don’t do that.)

I don’t know, maybe the kids are using Facebook to have lots of sex when they’re not listening to all that hip-hop. I suppose it’s good for re-connecting with old crushes from high school and college, so maybe that’s some sex that you’re leaving on the table, assuming that sex can be left on a table, like poker chips or a glass of water.

It’s the 21st century. People interact on Facebook; you should, too. If your friends post pictures of kids or food, unsubscribe from their feeds until you only see the bikini photos of the women you like. Actually, that’s a pretty good idea.

/logs into Facebook