It’s June, and all over the country young people are entering the work force for the first time, signing their first leases, getting ready for college, and, of course, making horrible decisions. Oh wait, it’s not just young people:
The 49-year-old Beaverton divorcee was impressed when she met a 69-year-old Southeast Portland man on the Internet dating website eHarmony.
He seemed well-educated, charming and kind. They had a lot in common, including that she was a dental hygienist and he was a retired dentist. On the fourth date — an evening that included hors d’oeuvres, wine and a few puffs of pot — the two had sex.
The woman was looking for a husband. Instead, she ended up with genital herpes.
After enduring repeated painful outbreaks of the disease and spiraling into clinical depression, she filed a lawsuit. Last week after a four-day trial, a Multnomah County jury awarded her nearly every dollar she was asking for: $900,000 for her pain and suffering.
Consider this your weekly reminder to use protection, folks. Let’s get to your questions.
FF: 10 team keeper league, is Charles coming off the injury worth an 8th rd pick? I’m leaning yes since I’d hate to see him go off for someone else next year.
Definitely. Even with the knee injury and Peyton Hillis on the team, I doubt Jamaal Charles will fall to the 8th round in most leagues.
Sex : OK, here goes. I’m 41, divorced three years and I’m lost. I have an elementary school aged daughter with my ex so we remain in contact with one another. My ex initiated the divorce, she wasn’t happy, I still don’t know why. Suffice it to say I was happy, and wouldn’t have left. No drinking, drugs, infidelity or abuse.
I don’t understand how someone can divorce you without a better explanation than “I’m unhappy.” Nevertheless, that’s a bummer. Sorry.
The big issue is I just don’t know how to meet women. I’ve taken most of the advice that you have given others, go to the gym almost every day I don’t have my daughter, pursued some hobbies, threw myself into my job, but I’m very lonely. Online dating is a pit of despair, I try to contact women on the sites but get literally no responses.
Your ex sounds like a really fantastic person.
I don’t know what to do. I’m not Clooney, but I’m not a troll either. I’m in good shape, have a decent job, an adorable kid that I’m devoted to, hell, I have a cute dog to boot. All the stuff that women are supposed to be attracted to. I should also mention that I’ve never had many friends and wasn’t exactly a ladies man before I met my ex, in fact we were set up by my sister. I sold out to the marriage and as such don’t have friends to go out with either.
I’ve never read the phrase “sold out to the marriage” before, and I hope I never read it again. People, marriage should not be the end of your outside friendships. It feels weird writing something so obvious, but I apparently have to do it. I feel like the Child Protective Services agent from The Simpsons. “And put your garbage in a garbage can, people. I can’t stress that enough. Don’t just throw it out the window.”
I’m tired of being alone and really miss having aÂ woman in my life. This complete lack of interest from the opposite sex leaves me just down, most nights I hope for a miracle and that I’ll wake up back in 2008, next to my wife.
Yeesh, that’s a first-ballot entry in the Sexbag Sad Sentence Hall of Fame.
There were issues, but I wasn’t alone and hopeless. I don’t want to be like this for the next 40 years. Any advice is appreciated.
I usually try not to make assumptions about people’s situations. If you assume incorrectly, then the advice that follows is generally useless. But in this case, I’m going to go out on a limb and posit this: women aren’t interested in you because you reek of sadness. It doesn’t matter that you’re going to gym and devoted to your daughter and your cute dog because you go to bed longing for the past, because you’re a mope who misses his ex-wife.
There is one thing and one thing only that ALL women find attractive: confidence. And I don’t mean the confidence to approach a woman and ask her out. I mean the alluringÂ je ne sais quoi that comes from living a satisfying life. And you’re not there yet. You have holes to fill — and it seems to me that you need some answers from your ex-wife, or some therapy, or a new community of friends in order to move forward. Don’t bemoan your past of marriage and limited social skills. Find happiness on your own — make your life something that other people want to be a part of — and you’ll find yourself with more friends and love interests.
(Sorry about writing “je ne sais quoi,” by the way.)
Beloved Vag Cavers:
Football: Two pronged question – I’m a commish in a league with eight regulars and four floaters – whens the optimal time to start getting these jabronis into shape vis-a-vis planning the draft and collecting money? Also, one of our “regulars” whose been in for multiple years is saying he won’t have time to play this year because hes deploying overseas with the military….as a doctor (he won’t be in a war zone or close to one), he reads this column, tell him to shape up or ship out.
Well, he’s shipping out regardless, but he should also shape up.Â He’ll have plenty of time. There is ALWAYS extra time on a deployment. As long as he has access to the internet, he should play.
Sex: I started working at a new job a few months back and one of my co-workers caught my eye as one of the most attractive ladies in the office. We eventually worked on a project together and started interacting a lot more, which included her sending me messages on our intranet with a lot smilies and what not. Now, she’s 25, I’m 31, I chalked this over friendliness and barrage of emoticons to being normal behavior for the slightly younger generation, but last week both of us ended up in Miami for work. Needless to say, those smilies went from virtual to real and we hooked up multiple times while taking our talents to South Beach.
Minus infinity points for quoting LeBron James.
The problem is that I found out after we hooked up that she was married the whole time
(a co-worker brought up her husband at the bar a few nights after we got to Miami). This revelation plus actually spending time with her and realizing that she’s pretty dull (and I can’t stand her voice) has me totally turned off to the point that I don’t even have any interest in speaking to her anymore.
The problem is how do I deal with her in the office – she acts like everything should be cool, but I’m not boning another dude’s wife – knowingly at least. Ideally I’d like to just totally ignore her, but she doesn’t exactly sit far away from me in our workspace and if we get stuck on another project I might have to join the unemployed, which would blow because i love my job.
If you haven’t already, you need to talk to her about how you wouldn’t have slept with her if you’d known she was married (maybe leave out the parts about how she’s dull and you hate her voice). Tell her that you consider it a mistake, and that you just want to focus on the job that you love, “so if I seem weird or distant or whatever, it’s because I regret sleeping with a married woman.” Â She’ll probably be a little hurt by that kind of directness, but she fucks around on her husband so it’s not like her emotions have any depth or value.
Oh Captain, my captain,
I’m trying to organize a league this year with my suitemates (10 altogether). Any advice about points, keepers, other intricacies I don’t know about?
Just don’t be one of the leagues that starts 2 quarterbacks or has 6-point passing touchdowns. Keepers are fun but not necessary for a new league. I like the flex position to be inclusive of tight ends. Whole-integer scoring can be really frustrating unless you’re REALLY lazy when it comes to thinking about numbers.
That’s about it. Even when it sucks, fantasy football is still pretty fun.
Don’t really have a question, I have a girl at home, long distance can suck sometimes, but with skype and other new-fangled technology, it’s not as bad as say long distance during the 1600s. In atonement, here’s Denise Milani and her future lower back problems.
Soon to be Ginger Hammer
I should note that I’ve swapped out the Milani picture that was in the email with the one above because Ginger Hammer sent a TIFF file. Dude, I’m writing a blog, not making banners.
Dearest Captain Caveman,
Sex: I have noticed that you all appear to be fans of “Game of Thrones” like everyone in my main fantasy league (including myself) so I have to ask: if you got to have sex with one of the women from the series, who would it be?
The easy choices here are Ros and Shae, because they’re whores and thus professionally good at sex (bonus points for appearing nude on the series: I appreciate having more information to make my decision). Talia and Daenerys are both beautiful, but I’m just signing up for freaky sex — I don’t want anyone with emotional depth or values (I also don’t want to follow Khal Drogo’s act). But my vote goes to Melisandre the manipulative sorceress. She gets into the conversation by being a crazy redhead with fantastic tits, but what seals the deal is birthing a shadow monster who can slay my enemies. Runner-up: Margaery, who proves that just because you’re highborn doesn’t mean you can’t still expose 30% of your breasts in every gown you own.
Also receiving votes: Osha (totally freaky, might stab you); Ygritte (looking forward to season 3 nudity); Dany’s handmaidens; Brienne (don’t judge me!).
Out of the discussion: Cersei (fucks blood relatives); Sansa (virgin); Yara Greyjoy (creeps me out).
…and now I’m really sad about how much thought I just put into that.
Fantasy: With the strength at QB the past few years, I’ve been curious whether or not I should use a first-round pick on a RB or a QB. Last year I was lucky enough to end up with both Arian Foster and Cam Newton, so I didn’t really have to sacrifice quality in either category, but I’m realizing that I’m probably not going to get that lucky this year. Would you use a first-round pick on a high-end RB or QB?
Depends on draft position.
And, as a follow-up to that, would your spot in the draft affect that decision in a major way?
Oh, sorry. Next time I’ll let you finish.
I’m in two leagues for this coming year. Both of them are going to likely be 10-man leagues, so I’m looking at a strong possibility that I’ll have two-middle-ish picks and won’t be getting to take the top picks in either category.
Getting really ready for the season to start up,
The Hollywood Kid
If you pick at the beginning of the first round, get a really good running back. If you pick in the middle, and you don’t feel good about any of the running backs on the board, take Calvin Johnson or Aaron Rodgers.
Oh Captain My Captain-
After months of pussyfooting around it, I finally asked out a close friend of mine towards the end of the school year, and we started a relationship. Unfortunately, it didn’t get too serious before she broke it off, once she realized how quickly graduation was coming, and that we’d be going our separate ways. It’s mainly because she’s moving across the country–and she’s the kind of adventurous person who needs to try striking out on her own. But we’ve remained incredibly close–if anything, we’ve only gotten closer since agreeing to just be friends, to the point where she’s undeniably my best friend.
Weird. You say that like it’s good thing.
Here’s the thing, though: as we’ve started to say goodbye, I feel like we’re in the same place. I think I love her, but I can’t say that, because I don’t want to complicate what’s already an unbelievably difficult point in her life. She might not be as crazy about me as I am about her, but I’m almost certain that if she weren’t moving we’d be in a serious relationship. She’s also been floating the proposition that if things don’t work out across the country, she’ll look to relocate to where I’ll be after a few months. I’ve also honestly considered following her out to a part of the country I’ve never even been to, and would otherwise have no desire to live–
though I’m relatively certain that, if push came to shove, I couldn’t pull the trigger.
I’ve never felt even remotely about anyone the way I feel about her, and I feel like as long as there’s a glimmer of hope that there’s a chance for us, I’ll be hung up on her. It’s at the point where I really have no desire to be with anyone else, at least in the short term. So how do I reconcile the fact that she’s essentially my dream girl,
Stop. Just stop. Using the phrase “dream girl” gets you an automatic STFU.
Your “dream girl” — any man’s dream girl — is a mythical animal. It isn’t real. It’s a person who’s been inflated beyond human possibility by your outsized hopes. Much like unicorns and Santa Claus, dream girls should only be talked about by naive young people. For your own sake, don’t be the last kid in class who still believes in Santa.
and she might be available to me in the not-too-distant future with the flip side that she just as likely won’t be, ever again? I’d like to think I could get over this, if I was convinced that this was anything but a holding pattern, but I can’t be positive. I’ve never gone through anything this emotionally draining before.
Evan and/or Jaron
Good news and bad news, E/J: you’re young and in love. Good news because that’s an awesome feeling that doesn’t happen very often, bad news because you’re not getting laid as a result of it. It doesn’t really matter what advice I give here, because you’re just going to keep on being young and in love until your “friend” has the decency to reciprocate your feelings or smash your heart into a million pieces (fun twist: she might do the former and THEN the latter!).
If I can impart just ONE piece of information to you here, it’s this: she wants to live a new life across the country more than she wants to be with you. Whatever she’s told you — whatever hope for a future together she’s planted in your mind — is less of a priority for her than going someplace new and carving out a new life with people who are not you.
First, FF: After another dismal showing in 2011, to say that I have a long climb to get back into contention is like saying that Tebow’s faith consists of going to church only on Christmas and Easter. The league is a min 2/max 3 keeper (no penalties for draft picks for any) that starts 2 QBs and every TD is worth 6 pts (yeah, I know, FUBAR).
Thanks for saving me the trouble of pointing that out.
I’m going to assume all the top-flight (and even some of the not-so-top-flight) QBs will be kept for next year which leaves me with a corps of Matt Cassell, Matt Moore and Kevin Kolb
as remotely keepable QBs for next season (I also will be keeping Larry Fitz). I have two questions for you. First, do you think that Kolb will be as awful as he was last year with a full off-season to work in the offense and develop more chemistry with Fitz or might there be some modicum of improvement?
I’d like to think he couldn’t get any worse.
Second, what do you think would be an acceptable place to draft RG32DC or Andrew Luck in the upcoming draft, all things being equal? 3rd round? 4th round? Thanks.
All things being equal, yeah, I think they’ll be available in the 3rd or 4th. But all things are not equal. Your quarterbacks are ASS. Since it’s a keeper league without draft pick penalties, don’t take a chance on missing out on those dudes. I’d snag one by the third round.
Sex: I’ve been with an amazing girl for the last 8 months. After starting off at a snail’s pace (reasons I’ll get into later), things have moved right along and very well. She’s different from other girls I’ve dated and I’m noticing a change in me for the better. I’ve been seeing things in a more positive light than I used to and I find myself working toward being a better person and boyfriend to her. We get along great, she has a great family and I know I’m in love with her. I’m making a solid commitment to saving for a nice ring. What’s the issue, you ask? Two fold. First, I’m 28, she’s 23 and was a virgin before she met me and lost it to me a whole 2 months before her 23rd birthday. Knowing her now, I can see why that was the case but she definitely didn’t hold onto it for religious beliefs or any other strong personal convictions. It just never happened (and no, she’s totally slammin’). She is far from my first time and I’ve read you saying many times that you can’t stay with the same person you lost it to and expect the relationship to work out well in the long run.
I don’t think I’ve ever said that. One of my college roommates married his high school sweetheart the week after college graduation. Neither one had ever been with anyone else, and they’re still happily married with kids.
What I think you’re referring to is previous submissions to the mailbag written by men who were torn by their love for the woman they lost their virginity to and the desire to have sex with more women. Anyway, carry on.
Second, I’m the first stable, long-term boyfriend she’s had since the ripe ol’ age of 18. I know in the long run that 5 years isn’t much but the difference in life experience is rather significant, currently. She’s super down to Earth, has goals and aspirations for her future and there is a pronounced difference in the level of retarded-ness between her and your average 23-year-old girl, which is one of the many reason why we’re together. I never talk about my previous exploits to her and we have a solid stream of communication about things, in general. We’re both moving to a new city in 3-4 months for new jobs and we won’t be living together for at least the first year after moving (won’t be making that mistake) so there will be plenty of chance to rebound should it be the case. My question to you is, am I being a pussy with my own baggage or is there genuine cause for concern with her lack of experience?
If she’s happy just having sex with you, then for God’s sake don’t go changing her mind. Relax, and enjoy being her only lay.
Also, do you have any tips or talking points around sex and education that don’t come off as insulting or demeaning?
Thanks for the help,
Always accepts the V-card
Thank you for the insanely vague follow-up question. I dunno, man. Have her read the mailbag.
Dear The All-Mighty, Omniscient, Most Glorious Staff of KSK (which I guess can be equivalent to the Staff of Ra or the Staff of Moses):
FF: Do you think Luck or RGIII (or Tannehill hahahahaha) is gonna be as standoutish as Newton and worth drafting early? I’m in a standard league with QBs that get 6 points for tds. You think they might make a viable backup even? I know it’s tough to call on these things this early, but your thoughts?
Both Luck and RG3 post a significant threat to run out of the pocket, which can mitigate a lot of the errors, fantasy-wise, that a young quarterback is likely to make. I think either one is worth drafting as a backup in 2012, especially if you’re in a keeper league.
Sex/Relationship: I’ve been dating this girl for the past 10 or 11 months (since mid July or so). We have a great time together and she’s a real cool chick. She drinks whiskey on the reg, gets high on the reg, and is down to fuck on the reg. The sex is amazing (constant blowjobs, anal, lingerie, down for threesomes [if only we can find another girl, but that's another question in another mailbag]. We share a lot of the same interests both socially (concerts, fests, theater, gallery, etc) and Netflixwise (AD, BB, EBAD, TPB, PS, etc, etc,), and overall we’re just having a blast. Plus she took me to my first Niners game.
Listen, if you want to brag about anal and lingerie and blowjobs, fine. I’ll allow it. But listing your Netflix choices as acronyms like that was really fucking annoying.
She went out and decided to buy me an all-expense paid trip to an exotic overseas tropical locale for my 30th birthday (she’s 29 btw) and we’re going during the week of the 4th. She says I don’t have to pay for a thing and is taking care of the whole thing (oh, and plus she’s got a pretty sweet job and is always down for picking up the tab or buying the booze/smoke). I feel really good about the whole trip, not only because it’s gonna be fucking awesome being on the beach for a week, but also because no girlfriend has really ever bought me anything like this (or has anybody now that I think about it).
Here’s the issue: so, like I said, we’ve been together for 10 or 11 months now, but thus far, and despite being all super-compatible and (somewhat) lovey-dovey with each other, there has yet to be a mention of the word “love.”
I have no idea how she feels (does any guy?)
but I’m almost pretty sure that, at least at this point, I’m not sure if I’m in love with her. My problem is, since we’re closing in on one year together, I’m afraid she’s going to use the opportunity on vacation and end up saying it to me and I dont know if I can say it back. I am not a lying individual at all (unless it’s to a boss, parent, or cop, but those don’t count obviously), and I know for a fact there’s no way I can say something like that to her unless I know I mean it.
You’re a dick, but you’re a fair dick.
I don’t get it. She’s pretty much everything I’m looking for in a girl (funny, sexy, intelligent, creative, and has an extremely low level of least annoyance)(or would that be an extremely high level? whatevs), but for some reason, I just dont get that feeling I had once before when I knew I was in love. But I know I’m not hung up on that chick whatsoever anymore. That was several years ago and I’ve since moved on and have no lingering feelings whatsoever. I can assure you that’s not part of the equation and I only bring it up as a point of reference.
My question I guess then is, what is love (baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more – sorry, sorry I just couldn’t help it)?
I mean fuck, should there be another level there, or am I just being some sort of naive idealistic romantic?
I’m not looking for an existential investigation into the hearts and minds of men, but I’m just lost here. Any thoughts, suggestions, insights aside from either shit or get off the pot (which I’m pretty sure is the answer)? I mean, if she is in possession of all these great qualities, am I just lying to myself and being all afraid of big-C Commitment, or do you think there’s something to said about physical, like genetic, responses to stuff like this. As if the DNA in my genes are like, “Sorry man, not what we’re looking for. Keep moving.”
Thanks a bunch,
Love Lost and Found
I’m not going to say that you should love this woman, or that you do love her. But seeing as you’re turning 30 shortly, it’s pretty naive to expect love at 30 to feel the same way it feels at 17 or 23.
Y’know, I’m getting married one month from today. When I first met and started dating my fiancÃ©e, I didn’t experience the longing or the infatuation that I’d felt with the women I fell in love with a decade or five years before. I didn’t think, “This is my dream girl, I hope I can make it work!” (see previous email). I kept thinking, “Wow, she understands and accepts the core of who I am as a person like no one ever has before.” And it was weird to experience that; it took me several cautious months to recognize and understand that as a more mature version of love than what I’d felt before.
Anyway, at some point in most men’s lives, a giant neon sign will flash inside their brains, and it reads something like this:
WHAT THE FUCK ELSE ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
If you’re not getting that with this girl, check your fuse box.
I want more like this!
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