Hi, everybody. So, this is my last mailbag as a single person. Christmas Ape will take over for the next two weeks while I’m doing wedding stuff and traveling (or he may cancel next week because it’s the day after the 4th of July — up to him, really). When I return, I promise to be tan and relaxed and relatively patient with your queries.

Speaking of: HOO BOY some of y’all got problems. Way to bring the heavy artillery out before my vacation. Let’s get to it:

Dear KSK,
SEX: I’ve been with my girlfriend for about 7 months now and it’s going great. She’s genuine and we can talk all night and laugh, sex is great, etc. Problem is, as summer’s come and the sweaters have made way to shorts and tank tops I find myself less attracted to her and it’s getting to me. I know I sound like a douche here but I don’t know what to do. We’re both in our late 20s and I think I’m in my own head cuz things are going so well that this may have some long-haul potential and I’ve always been very slow to commit. At the same time, if I’m feeling like this now, does that mean it’ll only get worse and I should get out, or just that the whole “honeymoon” phase is over and things are changing, or that I’m being a fuckin idiot and over-thinking it with a girl that makes me happy just because she’s not quite as attractive as I’d like?

– stoned and confused

Take a look at yourself. Do you look considerably better in winter clothes than in a swimsuit? If so, welcome to life as a regular person, where you are entitled to a regular mate. This isn’t a bad thing. Regular people are great! Instead of getting lavished with attention for being beautiful, they have to develop personalities and senses of humor and skill sets. I sometimes joke that I always thought my wife was going to be a Brazilian bikini model, but the reality is that I would HATE talking to a Brazilian bikini model.

Anyway, I’m not saying that you should or shouldn’t be attracted to your girlfriend in summer clothes. But if you enjoy her as much as you say you do, then you should be able to get past the superficiality of her having a less than perfect body. (And if you want her to get a better body, then you should adopt the changes you’d like to see her make: eating better, going to the gym more, and so on.) Really, though, I think you’re just scared of commitment — I mean, you saw her naked before summer came along and she started wearing shorts and tank tops, so it’s not like her body is some kind of surprise to you.

Of course, if you happen to be an Abercrombie & Fitch model, then you’re justified in wanting an equally sexy female companion when you’re not busy making homoerotic catalogues.

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Dear Leaders of the Mailbag,
First up, football. I would ask about fantasy, but I suck at it so I won’t bother. And my team just got rid of the Tebowtards, so all in all, football is pretty good for me right now. So, feel free to take the time normally used to answer football questions to do something that you’d rather do instead. Consider it my wedding present to you.

Thanks.

/scrolls through Tumblr for five minutes

Now the real purpose – Sexytime (and it’s not about the “friend zone” or an ex!). I’m planning on proposing soon. Everything in the relationship is great, I’m happy, I love her, the whole deal. The only problem that I’ll occasionally have is that during sex I sometimes have a hard time orgasming. About 10-20% of the time, we’ll go for a long time and I won’t be able to orgasm. At first, she was upset because she thought it was her, but now she’s come to realize it’s not (I’ve had the problem with other women as well) and is incredibly cool with it. So obviously, something is off. My question to you is, do you think it’s more mental or physical?

I don’t know.

Should I be seeing a doctor or a psychologist for this?

Yes.

Full disclaimer, I was on anti-depressants for a few years when my father passed away, and those 2-3 years killed my libido at the time, so I’m wondering if it might be related to that as well. For the record, I’m 30 years old and except for the extra 10 lbs (that I’m in the process of losing), I’m perfectly healthy.
— Witty Name Of Your Choosing

From what I understand, just about every anti-depressant on the market wrecks your sexual appetite, so I think it’s reasonable that there could be some lingering effects or bad habits that carry over from that time. But I have a bachelor’s degree in history and political science; you should probably ask someone who spent a little more time in school studying, like, physiology and whatnot.

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Ufford,
So I’m fairly inappropriate in bed, but the second time I slept with a girl, after our third date, she asked me to come on her face. Ordinarily I’d be thrilled, but it just struck me as kind of, “Ugh. That’s a bit much so early on. Have some decency.” What do you think of a girl that says something like that early on? Open, progressive and awesome? Repressed father or/and step-father issues?

If so, they’re not THAT repressed.

Does that automatically paint her as “slut?” And me. Is it okay that as a COORS LIGHT DRINKING BRAH–I was a little put off by it. Please note, I went through with it.

I think you’re kinda being a judgmental dick. I don’t know: maybe she does have daddy issues; maybe she is a slut — or maybe she just wanted to do something that she thought would turn you on. If the sex is freaky and you like it, don’t question her motives. If the sex is freaky and you don’t like it, just tell her “not this time.”

Fantasy: Michael Turner? He’s done, right?
-Barnacle Hornsby

Turner did just turn 30 this offseason, which would suggest he’s done, but he also had four or five years in San Diego where he sat behind LDT and therefore suffered a lot less wear and tear. I’d guess he might have one more good year left in him.

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Captain,
I don’t care much for football. Futbol, on the other hand, fills my heart with pride and joy. My question is this: In (what I think is the inevitable) Italy/Portugal final, who do you have taking the whole thing? (Assuming of course, bicycle-kick-Mario shows up to actually give Ronaldo a challenge.) Also, living 4 hours behind EST, my neighborhood pub doesn’t open until 11 for a 10:45am kickoff. Am I bad person for waiting outside the bar with my nose pressed to the window until the barkeep lets me in?

Sorry, I’m not gonna talk soccer in this column. People would (rightfully) be pissed off.

Although I have to ask: where is four hours behind Eastern time? Are you in Alaska? A schooner in the Pacific?

Sex: I have found myself single after 8 years of serial monogamy. Singlehood is awesome and I’m quite enjoying myself. I met “Sam” a few weeks back and we’ve hooked up a handful of times, while being very clear neither one of us wants anything more than a good time a couple days a week. The problem is this: the sex is…not good. It’s not awful, but it could be a lot better. In conversation the other day, it came out that Sam has only had sex with 2 people, myself included. He’s 24, I’m 29, and while my number isn’t high (7) I’ve had enough sex to know what I do and don’t like. A lot of his ideas seem to be coming from what he’s seen in porn, and while I can understand that’s appealing to him, I’m just not that limber, nor do I find that what seems to work for Sasha Grey works for me.

Since this relationship isn’t headed anywhere serious, do I just coast along with Bad-Sex-Sam until we tire of one another? Or do I owe it to him (not to mention any other girls he sleeps with down the line) to try to coach him to be better in bed? Do I have any responsibility in this scenario?
Thanks in advance,
Shaken All Night Long

You don’t owe shit to anyone, and you shouldn’t spend the time coaching Sam unless you think it’s worth the time and effort. I certainly don’t think it is, but I also have no patience for bad sex.

Besides, you’re a woman: you have the option to have sex every time you walk outside. Don’t waste your time with a young dude who doesn’t know what he’s doing.

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Dear Emperor of Dong,
FF: Is Ryan Mathews really going to be worth the first-round (possibly top ten somehow?!?!) pick it’ll take to secure his services? I’ve already been burned on this goof once and would like it to not happen again.

Will he be worth it? Probably not. Will someone feel like they have to take him? Almost certainly.

Sex(ish): So following a divorce, I’m dating this former girlfriend of mine – fun, funny, incredibly sexy, total sweetheart, complete bedroom animal, the works. That’s when I last saw her, of course. She’s in a different state than I (though we’re on bordering states and the drive is probably only 3 hours, max), and that’s definitely put a strain on our relationship (she’s 22, I’m just about 29).

She’s 22 and you originally dated her BEFORE your marriage? You must’ve been seriously pushing the “half your age plus 7″ guideline.

The big issue, however, is that right around when we agreed to get back together, she was raped. I don’t know many details because she can’t really talk about it, but it was more than one “person” (using that term very lightly, obviously) involved in the incident. I’ve done my best to be an entirely supportive boyfriend: talking when she needs it, tried to get her to report the incident (she didn’t) or at least tell her trashy and judgmental parents (she won’t), and generally just being there for her and supporting her. She was in therapy for it briefly, but stopped going, citing it was too difficult for her to relive, which I completely get.

And there’s your “Brutally Depressing Paragraph of the Week.” Oof.

She works a job where she’s able to stay at home all day and at night is home with her 3-year-old kid, so she doesn’t get out much. I’d love to fix that, but as a result of the incident, she’s flat-out refused to see me. She cited one or two different reasons at first, but now it’s simply that she gets nervous (has an anxiety disorder) at even the thought of seeing me, and thus we end up not even being able to talk about the prospect of it most of the time. She is essentially broke and doesn’t have a laptop and thus Skype isn’t an option either.

Your girlfriend refuses to see you. Ergo, she is not your girlfriend.

It’s been about five or six months now

GTFO. Seriously?

and really nothing has changed. We argue with frequency and she is unbending in her stance.

Remember when you called her “fun, funny, incredibly sexy, total sweetheart, complete bedroom animal”? I’m beginning to think you might not have the facts to support your claim.

Going out with her friends, though, is a different story. She does that once in a blue moon, but is trying to do so more now, including her male friends. Am I wrong for having a problem with that?

The only thing you’re wrong about is thinking this girl is worth your time.

And for not being able to be supportive like I’ve always been about the issue of not seeing her? I’d have no problem with nothing physical even happening and having it being a brief meeting for coffee or lunch, I just want to cross that barrier, you know? Is it selfish of me to think that I deserve to be a priority over her stupid guy friends who don’t care about her regardless? Or am I justified after putting in nearly six months of supportive partner solitude?

I can’t even believe the words I’m reading.

Okay, let me back up for a second. Obviously, there’s no way for me to measure the trauma of being raped, so I can’t begin to guess what’s going on in her head. All I can do is evaluate how YOU’RE getting treated, and in that regard your email is a Hall of Fame entrant for a guy putting up with unacceptable behavior. Dude, she won’t even SEE you. You aren’t married to her. Don’t call yourself her partner, because that’s clearly not how she thinks of you.

Sorry this became massive and I’m sure I’m being stupid and needy (diagnosed as clinically depressed and have chronically had poor self-esteem, though I’m trying to take your advice on that). In the back of my mind I know this probably won’t ever work, but I can’t seem to help myself with this girl. I feel like I might be missing out on something great. Not that I’d know for certain, I guess. Blech.
Cheers,
Overly-Needy Jackass

What you’re missing out on is an exceedingly better life without her. I’m not trying to be insensitive about what happened to her, but she clearly doesn’t want your help, so you should let her deal with it on her own — or with her other guy friends. Bail.

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Dear Cap’n,
I’m 28, and I’ve been dating my girl for almost three years. She’s 26, sweet, funny, pretty, hard-working, and we’re on point in the sack. Essentially, she is just an all-around amazing partner who my friends and family all adore. I bought the ring last month and was waiting for early this autumn to pop the question on midnight hiking trip. We’re both outdoorsy, I’ve packed a bottle of bubbly, there are a million stars shining down on the two of us, and isn’t it beautiful? etc. Next step would have been a 2013 wedding and a house purchase, with an eye on a family down the line.

Good stuff, right? Well, here’s the hitch in the giddy-up: yesterday, I found out that the lady and I are gonna have us a young’un a whole lot sooner than we’d hoped.

Dagger.

This was unplanned, and indeed precautions were taken, but apparently a pill was forgotten or some QC asshole at Yaz was asleep at the wheel.

In addition to HOLY SHIT I’M GONNA BE A DAD, I’m a full-time middle management drone. I’m also a part-time student so I don’t have to be that guy anymore. The lady works a middle of the road white collar gig too, but she’s in a better situation as she actually enjoys her work.

So my insanely romantic life-plotting has gone all to shit, and I’m frankly scared out of my mind. I don’t want the child to be born out of wedlock so I’m going to have to accelerate things a good bit.

My question is, exactly how fucked am I regarding my personal life and goals?

On a grand scale, I’d say you’re only mildly fucked. I mean, shit — you already knew you wanted to get married and have kids with this woman, you already have the engagement ring ready to go, and you and your lady both have steady jobs. I won’t tell my “Oh shit!” story again, but I can tell you that I’ve been in your shoes, except without any of the employment. It could be much, much worse.

I’m one of those rare stupid atheist dickheads who doesn’t agree with abortion, but damnit, I don’t know if I’m ready for this. I love my girl and she’ll be a hell of a mother, but man, I wanted to put my savings on a house with a personal gym and a huge bar and a sick home theater rather than a modest one in a neighborhood with good schools. I’d love to finally finish my degree instead of working my current job because I have to, and using all my spare time to ensure that my child doesn’t end up a serial killer, a meth-addicted stripper, or a Patriots fan. I have brothers and cousins and friends who all have children, and I honestly like and have a good rapport with kids, but it seems like all of those young parental-types have pretty much laid their ambitions to the side for the sake of their family, and I can’t say they are wrong to do so.

I’ve screwed up quite a few times in life. I really, really, REALLY don’t want to screw this up.

-Half Clever by Two

P.S. As I reread this letter, I’m sort of realizing that I don’t really have much of a question in here. I’m pretty much just blathering like a selfish idiot because I’m terrified I’m going to ruin some little person who didn’t ask to come along in the midst of daddy’s late self-improvement stage. Either way, I appreciate the ear.

Yeah, your post-script sums it up nicely. The timing of the pregnancy certainly sucks, but this is basically, “I was going to have a home gym, and now instead I’m going to be a father!” I’d rather have a home gym than a newborn infant, too, but the infant will actually bring a lot more happiness to your life.

I obviously don’t know the details of your situation, but I would think you can finish your advanced degree and still be a good father. Have a simple, small wedding: that will save you a bunch of money that you can spend on tuition and cribs and diapers in the coming months. And relax, man: it’s life. It only ever goes to plan for obscenely rich shitheads, and they don’t even appreciate it.

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Dear KSK,
Fantasy Football – a bit abstract, but how do you rank the top 5-6 TEs this year? With Gronk/J. Graham coming into their own and a bunch of guys we’re used to (Witten, Dallas Clark, Gonz) nearing football death, I’m curious on your take. Any surprises?

1. Gronk
1a. Jimmy Graham
3. Vernon Davis
4. Jason Witten
5. Aaron Hernandez

Antonio Gates falls out of my top five because his foot problems are so chronic. Tony Gonzalez is old. Jermichael Finley will get targets (he’s probably my #6), but he’s been hampered by injury and drops. If you’re looking for a sleeper, I’d expect Jermaine Gresham to continue to develop as Andy Dalton’s best red zone option after A.J. Green.

Girly time – I’ll try to keep this somewhat brief. Met this very sweet (on the verge of naive), very pretty woman about 5 months ago; a good friend of a good friend of mine. At the time, she was in a relationship of 3+ years. Anyways, we hit it off and, shockingly, 2 months later, she is sans boyfriend. We go on some dates and have fun and she is actively pursuing getting together. Great! Except i started dealing with some medical problems, was laid up for a month (in and out of the hospital), and then was away on vacation for a few more weeks, so we spoke on the phone a few times but haven’t hung out for over a month. Fast forward to now – i’m finally back on my feet and able to be active again. Now the issue becomes – i’m moving to Paris for 6 months in a few weeks. All my friends are also moving in the coming months and it’s important to me to spend time with them. Gal still wants to hang, which is awesome, but not sure what to do.

I think the world of this girl, but i’m struggling with how to say “i’m leaving soon and spending time with my friends is more important than spending time with you right now. But don’t take that the wrong way because i honestly think you’re beautiful and sweet and this is totally me being selfish.” Insight?

-Right gal, wrong time.

This is the easiest question in the mailbag: take the girl with you to hang out with your friends, dingus. You can enjoy her company, hang out with your friends, and see if your friends approve of her. Win-win-win.

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Guru of Fantasy,
I am the commissioner in both of the leagues I am in. I’m trying to get the main league to be PPR, and reduce receiving TDs from 6 points to 3. I am receiving some heavy resistance to this idea from the rest of the league. We have return yardage and TDs going to the returners (1 point per 25 yards and 6 per touchdown), which has expanded the receiver pool, and I was hoping the PPR would expand it further. My only argument for reducing the receiving TDs is that some receivers are going to be way more valuable than any other players, and by reducing the receiving TDs to 3 points will still give QBs some value. Am I crazy or do you have a better argument?

The WRs who get considerable return yardage don’t generally score a lot of receiving touchdowns, and return TDs are rare enough that I think you’re overcompensating by halving receiving touchdowns. I think your league mates are right to be upset. I’d recommend keeping six-point receiving TDs but making it only 0.5 PPR. That gives a pretty good competitive balance in one of the leagues that I’m in.

Sex Question: I have been with my fiance now for 3 years, been engaged since Thanksgiving. Our sex life has always been good, but sporadic. Lately, its usually about once a month. I’m currently working two jobs, I work 4pm-1am Mon, Wed, Fri, and 9am-7pm Tues, Thu, Sat. Needless to say I am exhausted the nights I get home at 7 and shes asleep by the time I get home the other nights. She’s pretty understanding, and like I said, our sex life has always been sporadic, but should I be worried about this affecting our relationship? Should I be making more of an effort on the nights I’m home at 7, even though I am so tired?
Sincerely,
Too Tired Commish

Make Sunday your fuck day. Then spend the rest of your day looking for a single job with more regular hours.

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Heirs to the Throne of Italy,
Fantasy: Where would you take Matt Forte? I’m having a hard time getting the scale to tip to one side or the other with all the various factors (contract, durability, Bears O-line sucking).

He was pretty awesome last year until the injury. I’d wait to see how training camp goes, but if he’s under contract and playing well in the preseason, I might take him somewhere between 7th and 10th overall.

Sex: I’m facing a shitty situation. One of my close friends, “Jerry,” is about to ask his girlfriend, “Elaine,” to marry him. However, I possess some knowledge that might affect Jerry’s decision. About a year ago, Jerry’s company was struggling so he was busting his ass working long nights and on the weekends to keep things afloat. One Saturday night he needed to stay in and get some work done, so Elaine decided to go out for a couple drinks with Jerry’s best friend and roommate, “George.”

I wonder if they had sex!

George has always been a cad. He takes pride in having cheated on an ex more than a dozen times. He treats women horribly knowing that he has that magical ability to make them come crawling back for more (attractive, tall and fit — Gronk-esque if you will). George and Elaine had gone out innocently drinking plenty of times before, so there was nothing shady about it. However, when they come back, Jerry is out cold in bed from working all day, and Elaine decides to bang one out with George in the other bedroom. Afterward, still warm with George’s funk, she slinks out and cozies up in bed next to her sleeping boyfriend. George relayed all of this info to me in a drunken chat a little while back.

Jerry obviously knows nothing of this. What would you do in this situation? I can’t decide if I should say anything or just say, “Screw it, none of my damn business.” Three relationships would be destroyed if I said something, and physical violence between Jerry and George is a possibility.

Sounds to me like George could use a punch in the nose.

But Jerry and I have talked in great length about what a sexual degenerate George is and how awful he was for his cheating in past relationships. I feel like it’s the kind of thing Jerry deserves to know before getting down on one knee, but I honestly don’t know what to do.

Also consider that the girlfriend is a bit of a pill. Remember that scene at the beginning of “Office Space” when Peter is talking to Lawrence about his suspicions that his girlfriend is cheating on him, and Lawrence says, “She seems like the type of chick that would just…uuuhhhh”? Well, that line pretty well sums her up too.
– Cosmo (I had to rearrange the names in this story so I wouldn’t suffer the indignity of signing as George Costanza)

GUHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

What a shitty, shitty situation. Let’s look at some of the different possibilities:

1. You tell Jerry what George told you. This can blow up any number of ways: Elaine and George denying it, Elaine and Jerry breaking up, George kicking your ass, etc. No matter what happens, you become entwined in an ugly mess, and you’ll end up taking at least some part of the blame. It’s even possible that you’ll lose Jerry’s friendship — even though you were just trying to help him out.

2. You confront Elaine and/or George and tell them they should tell Jerry. Basically, this just tips your hand and allows them to get their stories straight, and since you don’t have any definitive proof of the cheating… well, don’t go this route.

3. Say nothing. This gives you the least amount of drama — maybe. Keep in mind that if the cheating comes up at the wedding or the bachelor party, it’ll just be a bigger headache for everyone involved. Weaselly shithead George gets to keep going about his asshole ways, face never punched. There’s no justice, but you can justify it by saying it’s none of your business.

So, what to do? Frankly, I’d evaluate Elaine as fairly and objectively as possible: Does she make Jerry truly happy? Was it just a drunken mistake with a notorious lothario? Or is she the kind of woman who will do this to him again? That would drive my decision-making process. From your email, it sounds like Jerry deserves better, so I’d probably tell him even if it cost us our friendship. But it’s easy for me to write that as a disinterested third party — it gets a lot muddier when the decision affects the lives of your friends.

…whew! Good times. I’m gonna go get married now. Later!