Hello, internet readers. As you have surely noticed, this feature is running approximately one day later than usual. My sincerest apologies for that — just as I apologize every week for being a few hours late or not proof-reading or for leering at underage girls. We’re all human, after all.

As recompense, I’ve bulked up today’s relatively light mailbag with lots of GIFs and memes of my own creation. Believe it or not, I sometimes put in some effort for you. Just don’t get used to it.

Dear Captain Caveman,
Sex: I recently got out of a two month relationship. I know it’s not long, but I didn’t want anything serious while enlisted so this was my first one in over 4 years.

This aspect of the military gets overlooked a lot. When people tell me, “thanks for your service,” I don’t think about how I was in danger of losing my life. I think about how I spent four years of post-college youth far away from where any attractive and intelligent woman would want to be. I was… COCKBLOCKED BY UNCLE SAM.

I have never been much of a lady magnet, but I seem to be in a predicament now. There are two women who seem to be interested in a relationship, one is tall (a plus, since I am two inches above average height),

Whoa, a whole TWO inches above average height?!?!?

sexy and career oriented and there seems to be a connection between us. I’m more comfortable around the other though, and we have been hanging out almost every day over the past couple weeks becoming close friends. She is also pretty close friends with my ex, which hasn’t seemed to be a problem… yet.

The caveats: The first is part of a program that does guided tours in foreign countries and is going to be gone for almost the entire next month and the second just got out of a long relationship and I’m not sure if she is ready for a relationship again. I’m not a stickler for age either, but the one who is staying is 20, which meets my self imposed half+7 rule, but seeing as I would like to have a drink with my girlfriend every once in a while in a bar setting I kind of see it as a minute problem. She also isn’t very driven career wise as she is an aspiring actress in a place that isn’t very conducive to such a profession.

Ohhh, aspiring actresses: Is there anything they can do?

Should I wait it out for the first to get back from her trips while still hanging out with the second and let her know it can’t go past friendship, or let the first down now and see how far it could go with the second? Any advice would be helpful.
Sincerely,
Never thought I would be in this predicament

You’re fresh out of the service and still need to figure out what you do and don’t like. Don’t overthink this, just go ahead and sample everything on the menu. (Just be sure to sample with a condom.)

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Dear Sages of Sexy-time,
FANTASY: Last year, a guy in our long-term (6-year) fantasy league had to drop out. As co-commissioner, I brought in two close friends from high school to take the team’s place. The day of the draft, my good friend is MIA and bails. I was so fucking upset and embarrassed. My girl felt so bad that she offered to join our big-money league ($350 buy-in) last minute. Honestly, it ended up being a charity donation for her…it’s a keeper league and she did not do well, but enjoyed it. This year, our original member who dropped out (for financial reasons) wants back in. Should I feel bad about telling my girl she is out of the league? Or was it understood that this was a temporary thing?

WTF? Don’t kick your girlfriend out of the league after she bailed you out by essentially giving away $350 of her money. What kind of bush-league… league are you operating? A bush league, I suppose. I guess I answered my own question there.

ANYWAY: that’s your girlfriend’s spot now, and she should have the option to keep it. Granted, she seems both pretty cool and terrible at fantasy, so she’d probably be willing to give up her spot willingly. That seems like a better avenue than “Thanks for helping me out, now fuck off while my friends and I play pretend football with stats on the computer.”

SEX: Nada. I love this bitch and I’m gonna marry her. To atone, here is a small sample of the tit pics she keeps me flush in.

Believe it or not, she honestly thinks she has gross old-lady tits. That sweet, silly bitch o’ mine.
Very Respectfully Yours,
Lucky in Love

Tell her she needs to light her boob shots better — I had to play around with the lighting and contrast in Photoshop to make that look as good as it does. “Thanks baby, that’s really hot, but can you spotlight your tits so the Internet can appreciate them more when I share them in a public forum?”

p.s. Email me in five years to let me know if she’s your wife and you’re still calling her a “silly bitch.” I’m collecting data for a hypothesis.

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Mr. Caveman,
I hope you are well, and enjoying the offseason.

Oh, everything’s just fucking fantastic over here. Here’s where I’m at with wedding planning:

I’m 21 years old, currently pursuing my undergraduate degree. It’s tough to describe well, but lately I’ve been feeling really strange about my relationships with my friends and family. Whereas before I was always looking forward to a future yet to be uncovered, I now find myself staring blankly at the present and appreciating it for all it has to give to me.

Life doesn’t go on forever, and it’s something we all have to deal with. One day, everything we’ve ever known will be taken away from us. I won’t delve into my thoughts on what happens next, but instead I just want to express my gratitude for being given the opportunity to live. I look at my hands, the objects around me, and can’t but feel an outstanding feeling of love for all I have been able to witness so far in my time here on Earth. It’s a weird world, I think that’s a given, but it is incredible.

It’s easy to get caught up in the minutia of day-to-day living. It’s so easy to give way to our passions and listen to our brain tell us we should be angry or miserable. Because as I’m sure you know, our animal brains are hard-wired to make us feel these things to either give us the best shot at reproduction or just because the birth of consciousness has complications that our bodies aren’t quite sure how to process. Regardless, if we can take a second to really consider how amazing it is that all of this is currently taking place, I think we can move past a lot of (pardon my language) bullshit and enjoy our lives a little more. And as I look to my friends and family, and see how they’ve grown over the years, and how they continue to love and be loved I feel an unspeakable joy in my heart.

1. Don’t take any more philosophy classes.

2. Lay off the drugs, son.

But yes, you’re correct that people should spend more time appreciating every second of their short lives and less time complaining about baristas. I’m with you on that. Enjoy your revelation.

Anyway, I was wondering what your thoughts on MJD were for this year. Every season I think he’ll be ground into a pulp while teams will stack the box against him but year after year he produces. Can he keep this up?
Sincerely,
Joe

No, the wear and tear of time will ravage his body, forcing him into retirement and then the finality of death. If only he’d taken the time to appreciate the limitless splendor of life in Jacksonville!

Oh, you mean in 2012? Sure, he’ll still be good.

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CC:
Fantasy: I play in a league that heavily rewards Qbs with 6 points for passing Tds. This has begun to piss off some owners, to which I say the NFL is a QB league, and shouldn’t fantasy reflect who has the best players, not who was lucky enough to have the rb Mike Shanahan randomly decided to start?

Yes, all those “lucky” fantasy owners with Tim Hightower and Roy Helu keep running away with league titles. It’s a scourge that can only be stopped with 6-point passing touchdowns.

What are your thoughts on overweighting qbs vs balancing lesser known/shittier position players to compete against the Bradys and Rodgers of the world?

I broke down the numbers in a column last season, so I’m not going to go through that headache again, but here’s the deal with quarterbacks: even in a league where passing TDs are worth 4 points, quarterbacks are STILL the highest-scoring players BY FAR. Therefore, what six-point passing TD leagues do is take the most valuable position and make it MORE valuable, thus increasing the need for a top-flight quarterback and marginalizing the need for a well-rounded roster.

I’m not going to shit on 6-point passing TDs because some people really like them, but I think the most fun, equitable, and competitive leagues are those that make passing TDs 4-4.5 points.

Sex: I have been seeing this girl for a few weeks now and things are great, we are both really into each other, spend a lot of time together both with friends and alone and are generally having a great time. She has told me that she wants to wait a little before having sex, which I obliged because I am a gentleman and I don’t really have a choice anyway.

Well put. That’s some solid self-awareness.

I also shouldn’t care because she is liberal with the blowjobs. This is where the problem lies, I haven’t been able to cum from a bj. I have been sober, I have been on the verge of blacking out, neither has worked. I am In my late 20s, have not had that many partners, so it’s not as if I am bored. I have no problem getting or keeping it up. Is this a normal thing, that I can only get off from sex?
Your wisdom is much appreciated,
BB

I can’t speak for the rest of the male populace, which contends that blowjobs are the greatest thing on God’s green Earth, but I’ve always preferred fellatio to be a part of foreplay, and so I have a hard time getting off from it. Different people get off from different things. You’re perfectly normal.

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Hey Mr. Caveman,
Relationship: I wrote in a little bit ago about being down in the dumps from breaking up with my girlfriend, moving to Rochester, NY from San Diego, CA to be with an ailing family member, and having a shitty job. Quick update: Still single, family is well, and still in Rochester for now (might be moving to SoCal in the Fall), but I have a way better job now. Wooo!

Slow down, you still live in Rochester.

I can’t remember who preaches self improvement… must not be important. Anyways, my ex and I have been in contact here and there through texts and emails until about 3 weeks ago. It was all civil and positive conversations (with both of us initiating) talking about music, her personal progress with some internal issues and my sense of self worth going up with my new job blah, blah, blah. Nothing happened to stop communicating, we just kind of stopped. I’m okay with that, but I received an odd bit of news today. A large group of friends, acquaintances and I have been planning on going out of state to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers for about 6 months.

The concert is this weekend and I found out she took someone’s ticket who can’t make it and is staying in the same hotel as me. I’m not the possessive type (MY FRIENDS ARE MINE, STAY AWAY!!!) but I find it odd that she never ever wanted to hang out with these people when we were dating and now she wants to spend a weekend with them in Ohio while knowing I would be there. She isn’t even a fan of the Chili Peppers.

So she’s got that going for her.

And I can’t even avoid her considering we will all be going out together. Pretty much I’m really confused by why shes going and was wondering if you could channel your inner crazy woman or ask your fiance to share some potential reasons why someone would do this. Is it just to ruin my time/keep an eye on me and what I’ve been up to?

Hard to say for sure, but… probably.

Since we’re not on bad terms, is she using this as an elaborate way to begin seeing each other again? Gahh, I can already tell this weekend has the potential to be a disaster. Any advice on how to interact with her would be much appreciated since I’m awkward and still have feelings for her.

Stay less drunk/high than her. Be friendly when she talks to you, but seek an out after a couple minutes of conversation, and keep your distance otherwise. This will be tough, as you noted, but breaking up into smaller groups (with you staying by your closer friends) should help. Just play it cool. And know that the more you play it cool, the more desperate she may try to hold on to you. Don’t bite.

Basically, your weekend is ruined, unless (a) she’s there to hook up with one of your acquaintances, or (b) you cave and end up hooking up with her. Move back to California.

Football: Ummm….. Whats your favorite part of OTAs? (I totally wrote in for the football question)
Awkward and Confused,
Knifey McStab

Spending sunny Sundays outside. Enjoy the weekend, everybody.