Redskins tight end Fred Davis, who finished out last season with a four-game suspension arising from failed drug tests, has quietly landed himself in a protracted and ongoing legal stand-off with a woman who claims Davis busted her “actual lip” by throwing a flask at her after she dumped a glass of Ciroc and pineapple juice on Davis during his birthday celebration at a D.C. nightclub in January 2011. Actual lip, as opposed to the lip of her truck or Louie Lipps.

Of course, allegations involving this type of incident, real or fabricated, are not atypical for NFL players. But this episode is noteworthy for the pure batsh*t insanity that has ensued in the 18 months of courtroom wrangling, which involves allegations that the claimant, Makini R. Chaka, a woman who claims to organize events for celebrities, is actually a “madam/pimpette”; that Davis impersonated Santana Moss to keep her from gaining access to various D.C. nightspots and that Chaka has essentially been tailing Davis since his college days at USC.

Davis has also made the always brilliant decision to represent himself pro se in court, despite easily being able to afford an attorney and possessing no legal training whatsoever. Really, it’s the grandest of clusterf*cks and it not still won’t be settled for at least another year.

The Washingtonian has all the lurid details and there are many:

Chaka testified that her clients include the rapper Snoop Dogg and that she has thrown a birthday party for Denver Broncos runningback Willis McGahee. Baltimore Ravens running back Vonta Leach and Ravens defensive tackle Bryan Hall hosted a Chaka event, according to Shawn Morrison, a witness who testified on Chaka’s behalf.

Davis suggested in court testimony that Ravens running back Ray Rice might also be a Chaka client. “Actually the player’s name was Ray Rice,” Davis testified. “I guess he’s one of your clients, too. I don’t know.”

Haha, way to dime out Ray Rice for no reason. “I’d also like to add for the record that this other famous athlete is a client of this whore monger. I have no further comments.”

Prince claimed Chaka “often carries her ‘pimp-cup’ with her, is acquainted with other well-known pimps including Bishop Don Juan (the ‘Bishop’) and frequently attends the Bishop’s Players’ Ball with her female escorts.”

Chaka, please empty the contents of your purse. A-HA! PIMP CUP! YOU SEE, YOUR HONOR!? I rest my case.

On January 10, 2011, Chaka filed a motion for a temporary restraining order against Davis. After Davis failed to appear at a January 26, 2011, hearing, a DC Superior Court judge granted the temporary restraining order barring Davis from coming within 100 feet of Chaka. The distance was later reduced to 75 feet.

Not sure if knocking off that 25 feet was such a great idea. Did anyone even bother to check how far Davis to chuck a flask?

Prince submitted to the court photographs of Chaka wearing skimpy outfits. Davis testified that the photographs show that Chaka is a “schemer” who has “women that work for” her.

During cross-examination at the April hearing, the two armchair attorneys argued over a photograph of Chaka, a woman, and two men:

Davis: “As it shows, you also have your hand on his genitals. I mean why would you take a picture like that?”

Chaka: “I do not. Let’s look closely at the exhibit right here, Judge. Where is my hand placed in this exhibit?”

Judge: “I do not answer questions. . . . The witness does.”

Chaka: “Can you tell me where my hand is actually at in this photo?”

Davis: “It looks like it’s in the genitals to me. I mean your hands are on his genitals. Your hand is on his—”

Chaka: “Objection.”

Delightful. The latest installment of the drama ended with a judge ruling that Chaka was unable to prove that Davis violated the restraining order, according to a motion she filed back in February. Nevertheless, the actual trial awaits in March of next year, so plenty of time for more dramatics to unfold.