More and more, the mailbag seems to tackle how to navigate Facebook interactions with the opposite sex. It’s kind of a bummer. I’m certainly no Luddite, but it makes me miss that cold, sweaty nervousness of dialing a girl’s number and not knowing whether she’d pick up (terror! your voice cracks!) or you’d get the answering machine (overwhelming relief, aftertaste of disappointment).

But enough nostalgia. Nostalgia’s nonsense; the past is crap, and the present is better. Facebook is great, because it allows us to easily keep tabs on all sorts of people we really shouldn’t have the privilege of knowing about. More on that in a bit — let’s get to your questions.

Dear KSK Kommentariat,
Football first: No question here. I would like to point out that I killed my entire office fantasy league with Drew Brees’ record performance last year. That is all.

Hooray.

Sexy time: I just got out of a year-and-a-half long relationship four months ago and I’m still kind of a mess over it, even though the breakup was amicable. Last week at a party, a girl I’ve been good friends with for some time now got hammered and confessed that she’s had feelings for me for some time, even before the beginning of my last relationship. She never acted on them, as she was with someone else up until nine months ago.

Earlier this week, she apologized for drunkenly throwing herself at me, but did admit she really meant what she said. I’m touched at the confession, but I don’t think I’m in any shape to start dating. That said, I find her attractive and obviously since we’re friends, she is someone whose company I enjoy. If we had both been single at the same time, I would definitely have asked her out by now. So how do I let her know that I don’t think I’m ready to start dating yet, but still signaling that I’m interested in the idea of us being more than friends?
Sincerely,
EL

Wait wait wait, back up. A drunk girl that you find attractive threw herself at you, but you don’t say anything about what YOU did. Did you turn her down? Make out with her? Engage in wild monkey sex? Probably not the monkey sex. That’s a detail you don’t leave out.

ANYWAY, what I’m saying is, if you’re single, and someone attractive says they like you, and you’re at a party where people are drinking, for the love of God make out with that person. This whole “I’m not ready to date” and “I don’t want to lose her friendship” thing is just well-intended nonsense. Go ahead and enjoy some physical gratification: it helps you move past your ex.

That said, you need to be up front about your state of mind. “Hey, I like you, but I’m still kinda messed up from my last relationship, and I’m not ready for anything serious yet” is a perfectly acceptable way to say, “I really just need my ashes hauled” to women.

And if you’ve heard the term “getting your ashes hauled” before, congrats on reading 1940s noir.

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Captain of Concha,
Football: What’s the best way to convince people to change to a keeper league, and what are your suggestions for an ideal number of keepers in a 10-team league?

As with any addiction, your best bet for hooking new users is to introduce the product as something fun and impermanent. “Hey, let’s have two keepers this year. If you don’t like it, we can get rid of it next year. C’mon, it’ll be fun. Everyone’s doing it.”

Sex: I just got back from a 10-day trip to Israel, and despite my efforts to hook up with hot foreign women, the most action I got was from one of the American staff members on the trip (I’m 26, she’s 29). We fooled around some, and got really close to hooking up but couldn’t shake an oblivious third wheel for the entirety of our last night there, so I was left with a case of the blue balls.

I haven’t had a chance to follow up with her because I’m back in the States and she is still in Israel for a few more days. Even though we live a couple of hours away (yes, I am already painfully aware of the problems here), I visit her city often and can’t seem to shake her from my mind. As a guy who has trouble meeting and wooing women, I know that I might be thinking too hard about this, but I already regret not making stronger moves and would hate to miss out on something with a great woman who seems so compatible.

I know it’s a good idea to take some time and gain some perspective, but I also don’t want to wait too long and lose what might have been there. I thought I would send her a Facebook message and suggest we meet up next time we’re in the same place, but what’s the best way to express my interest and see if there was anything real between us, or if our almost-hookup was just the result of the exotic locale?
-Hebrew Hammer

Forget trying to figure out if there’s anything “real,” just spend some time hanging out and having sex with her. Just send her a Facebook message that says how cool it was to meet her, that you’re in her city a lot, and that you’d like to take her out the next time you’re in town — without the third wheel guy, ha ha ha. (It’s funny because he kept you from having sex.)

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Dear Caveman,
Congrats on managing to speak about your bachelor party without sounding like a total toolbag — Also, on being surprisingly non-retarded in front of the camera over there at SBN:Youtube Division. 

Ordinarily I delete compliments from reader emails, because getting my balls washed has nothing to do with the fantasy football or sex issues people want to read about. But I’m a sucker for whoring out my YouTube videos, and this one tees me up nicely.

What’s been your favorite feature so far?

How kind of you to ask! Obviously, it was fun to hug Kate Upton, and drinking a shitload of whiskey at noon in the middle of the week was a blast, and my NFL logo redesign piece is probably the best in terms of creativity and quality. But I think my favorite is this one:

It’s just silly, stupid, harmless fun. Plus I got free drinks and lap dances at Rick’s.

Fantasy first; keeper league question. Fairly standard scoring, pick three of the following guys to keep, with their pre-ordained 2013 round included:

Cam Newton – 13
Roy Helu – 9
Denarious Moore – 16
Miles Austin – 12
Felix Jones – 3
BJGE – 14

Cam and Miles Austin for sure. I’d probably pick Denarius or Roy Helu as my last keeper. I think Denarius is the better value because of the 16th round, but who knows — maybe Tim Hightower will go down for the season again.

Now sex: I wanted to ask advice on how to proceed in a situation I haven’t encountered before. It involves Facebook, and a classmate from my high school, whence I graduated in ’06. I have recently found that a girl I went to HS with has begun liking and commenting on my Facebook updates, basically out of the blue. I began liking and commenting back on hers, without really thinking too much about it.

I am getting burned from the sparks of sexual chemistry.

She and I never ran in the same groups in HS, never had the same classes together, never really spent any quality time together at all. The subject matter of our Facebook Friendship has mainly involved us liking the same cool stuff: Game of Thrones, calling people out when they act pretentious, Lena Dunham, bourbon, Parks and Rec…and now I’m intrigued to see if it can become something more.

All of those things are terrific except Lena Dunham. I’ve got a “Girls” rant inside of me that makes me sad I no longer write Warming Glow. I’ll save it for another time, though.

We seem to have become better friends on Facebook over the past few months than we ever were in the past 10 years of high school and beyond, and I would absolutely be interested in possibly making more of it based on our shared likes and the fact that we seem comfortable communicating with each other online (and also the fact that she’s a tall leggy blonde). I think it’s akin to finding someone you connect with on OKCupid or Match, except this has the added wrinkle of being someone you’ve already met before, an old HS classmate. I guess my questions are: Can I make this move?

Yes.

Am I reading too much into this?

Yes.

Have you heard of it being done?

Yes. I dated a girl from my high school in southern Illinois after I bumped into her on the subway in New York some eight or nine years after we graduated. We were friendly in high school, but not really friends — and I certainly wasn’t in her league back then. She was a cheerleader and the prom queen, and I was a woefully slight kid who sang in choir and worked on the school newspaper. Shockingly, we were not in the same clique of friends.

So hooray, bully for me, but the point is that everyone in high school is an asshole who doesn’t know anything. It might be a nice backdrop of common ground, but the adults we grow up to be are infinitely more interesting. Go forth and send her a Facebook message.

And how in the world do I do it without coming off like a completely sketchy Facebook stalker?
Cheers, and best of luck to you Captain.
Butterpants

Oh, what’s “stalking” any more?

*tucks binoculars into shirt*

Sorry, I don’t mean to make light of a scary crime, but I think we’re at the point where we, as a tech-savvy society, have a certain expectation of forthrightness and openness of communication. Who goes on a first date without Googling the person beforehand? Strangers address me on Twitter all the time, and I generally make an effort to respond. So why sweat a Facebook message to someone you know?

I think the key is to NOT ask her out straightaway. Just send her a message telling her that you think it’s cool you like all the same awesome stuff, and it’s great to be reacquainted with her via the wonders of technology. “This was WAY easier than hiring a private eye to track you down!” is a good way to not end the message.

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Captain:
Ladies: Every time I see one of my friends or one of my girlfriend’s friends get engaged on FB, I cringe. I’m in my mid-20s, like where we’re at and she’s just about to begin grad school. We’ve been together three years. Is it natural that I’m not ready to take the next step quite yet?

I think it’s perfectly normal. Like I’ve said before, I have friends who are happily married who dated six years, eight years, however long before they got engaged and married. It’s not my style, personally — I’ve always thought a year is enough time to figure out whether you want to spend the rest of your life with the person you’re dating — but I tend to be a little more decisive than the average human. I also like tearing Band-Aids off. You should not necessarily feel the same way that I feel about things.

The important thing in your scenario is that you make your position clear to your girlfriend. After three years of dating at the age you’re at, it wouldn’t be unreasonable for her to start expecting more of a commitment. If you’re crystal clear about not being ready for the next step — a conversation you should handle  delicately, mind you — then she can’t blame you for holding her ovaries hostage. Respect a woman’s biological clock.

That said, you should also understand that marriage is called “the leap” for a reason. It’s not something that just happens organically (unless you’re shithammered in Vegas). What are you waiting for? Are you merely “happy where you’re at,” or are you in love with the woman? If you’re in love with her, what other information do you need to commit? Figure out what you want.

Football: Do you think there will ever be a day when all 22 players on the field are miked up at once and we can choose what player’s audio feed we want to listen to, instead of Phil Simms?
Signed,
A fellow gulls backer

I sincerely hope so. Ever since Drew alerted me to Simms’s habit of saying “heem,” instead of “him,” he drives me crazy. Plus there’s his habit of agreeing with a coach’s decision only after it pays off, and disapproving of it after it goes a wrong. Coward.

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Dear…Guys,
I don’t have the energy to come up with anything more creative than that, but I am sure you will survive. My question merely pertains to Sex and/or dating as I am a fan of the Buzzsaw and three months of debating John Skelton Vs. Kevin Kolb is ALL the football I can handle until August. Anyways…

Don’t think of it as Skelton versus Kolb. Think of it as Larry Fitzgerald and Michael Floyd! It’s the offseason; now is the time for optimism.

I have been divorced for almost a year and am finally getting back into the dating game. Yeah, I have done the random hook up in the past few months, but I have an actual date with a real live girl that I am interested in conversing with and seeing things progress with this Friday, and frankly, after dating my ex-wife since the tender age of 21 I have been out of the game for a while. I am usually not a nervous person when it comes to girls, but I like this one A LOT, and I feel like there may have been a seismic shift in the rules of dating since I was getting my then girlfriend (then wife, now ex) to come over to the fraternity house at 2am to hook up.

You are correct.

My date is a few years younger than me (me 30/she 27), and is a big fan of emoticons in her texts, but beyond that frustrating notion is pretty darn awesome. I just don’t want to make an ass of myself basically, and common sense aside I am looking for a pointer or two that may help me as I get back in the game.

I appreciate the help as much as I hope you appreciate the brevity…
-Branden

Try to separate yourself from the fact that you really like this girl. She is just a person with a desire to be liked, same as you. She poops. She has hang-ups about her body. You don’t need to win her approval — your happiness and confidence in yourself as a human being should make her want to be with you.

I don’t know what else to say that doesn’t sound like an after-school special. (“Be yourself!”) Be warm, be inquisitive, be funny. It also helps to be rich and handsome and well-dressed, but most women will settle for a guy with polished shoes and pants without holes in them.

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Dear Titans of Trim,
Fantasy: I’m hoping my sexy question doesn’t qualify as ‘fantasy’. Also, I’m getting back into fantasy football after a 3 year hiatus, and I was wondering is drafting Cam Newton over a RB in the 1st round smart or stupid?

I honestly have no idea. I have sweaty nightmares of drafting Newton early in the draft, only for him to undergo a brutal sophomore slump. I probably wouldn’t have the balls to take Newton any earlier than 15th overall, but I’m also relatively conservative with my early-round picks. Don’t get me wrong: Newton’s rookie season was absolutely incredible, but I’m a pussy who would prefer another year of data.

Sex: I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years roughly 6 months ago. It’s been good, we’ve both moved on, or so I assume since I haven’t heard from her since we broke up. Now, to my issue: she HAD a hot co-worker while we were still dating. They were quasi-friends, in that they didn’t call each other to go hang out or do whatever girls do together, but they were certainly friendly when seeing each other in public. My ex no longer works at said establishment

GREEN LIGHT

and obviously I am single. Said hot friend is quite awesome, and from all the run-ins I had with her, I wound up talking to her the most out of all my ex’s friends. Fast forward to yesterday when I randomly pulled up next to her at a red light and realized it was her (in the flesh!). I immediately rolled down the window and was what I think was courteous and not salacious. This cued a bout of initiative on my part to add her to facebook today. She accepted soon after.

Oh man, I wrote “GREEN LIGHT” up there and then you saw her AT A TRAFFIC LIGHT! This mailbag is clever as shit.

Now, before I run and write ‘hey wanna grab drinks and etc” in a facebook message, I figured I should write in to the mail-bag and get some last minute advice before proceeding head long into potentially dangerous territory. I’m sure her ex-work friends would not like this development. I’m not sure I really care though. Should I? I look forward to your advice and the kommentariat’s.
Sincerely,
Exiled in Ex-Land

I mean, you make a good point about your ex’s friends that she used to work with. If you hook up with this hot ex-coworker of hers, gossip is destined to reach your ex sooner than you might like, and as the one who initiated the break-up, you should try to be respectful of her feelings.

That said, it’s been six months. What are you supposed to do, not be attracted to anyone you first met in your ex-girlfriend’s presence? Still, maybe it’s best to just send this new a girl a Facebook message testing the water before you full-on ask her out. I’d recommend some light flirting, like, “Hey, so crazy seeing you at the stoplight the other day. Even crazier: driving around your office for 12 hours WITHOUT seeing you at a stoplight. Seriously, stalking someone is way harder than it looks. Would you mind sharing your usual work hours? It would save me a lot of trouble.”

I dunno, maybe she’s lame and doesn’t like stalking jokes, but if she’s as cool as you say, she’ll play along and you can ask her in the next message if she wants to get a drink after work some time.