Last fall, Hank Williams, Jr. was famously relieved of his duties of riling up his rowdy friends after he broke invoked Godwin’s Law when talking about Obama. With time on his hands and booze on his breath, The NOC imagines what it would be like if the UEFA Champions League final enlisted his services for a pregame hoedown. I’ll be the first to say SIMPSONS DID IT! Still not as weird to me as the fact that Hank sang in Spanish during his final appearance on Monday Night Football.

- The Texans are the latest team to turn down “Hard Knocks”. Awww. Now we’ll never get to know what the Houston Chimera is really like behind the scenes. After all the bitchy lobbying that Peter King did on their behalf, they have the gall to do this? Name five things more disappointing. You can’t.

- Ookie wedding! Michael Vick is getting married on June 30 in Miami to Kijafa Frink. Frink? GLAVIN! Among the notable guests if Ookie mentor THE DUNGE, who will leave the reception in a huff the second any hippity-hop is played.

- LeSean McCoy received a five-year, $45 million extension from the Eagles. He also got an apology from Osi Umenyiora for that weird Mother’s Day dig on Twitter. Can’t imagine which of the two he’s more excited about.

- Redskins long-snapper Nick Sundberg has a giant Greek Mythology scene tattooed on his back. The war is nice, but we’re gonna need to see a lot more man-boy love for it to be truly faithful to the source material.

- Lawrence Taylor reportedly wasn’t the one who put his Super Bowl XXV ring up for auction. It was LT’s son who did it without telling his dad first. I don’t steal from my father and he’s not a tenth as crazy as Lawrence Taylor, so I imagine TJ has already used the auction money to flee the country and change his name.

- The Packers say they will formally retire Brett Favre’s number, but are waiting a year or two to do it, “when it is more meaningful to 4“. I see right through this ruse. Green Bay is totally waiting for ol’ Brittfar to publicly disgrace himself yet again so the team won’t get grief for disavowing any connection. Canny strategy. Let’s hope it works out.