These motherf*ckers stole Ocho’s Starbucks gold card. It’s clearly very traumatizing. Do something, Seattle!

- Turns out Charlie Sheen did not in fact purchase Lawrence Taylor’s Super Bowl ring. And I spent all of yesterday worrying when I could have just been bored.

- Idiot kicker Mike Vanderjagt now spending his days allegedly choking middle school kids for teasing him about shanking that field goal in the playoffs against Pittsburgh. Take a good look at 10 years from now, Billy Cundiff.

- A for-real headline that ProFootballTalk has today: “Mark Sanchez’s agent thinks Sanchez will outperform Tebow”. Because “BREAKING: Agent does job” was just too concise.

- Jim Brown described new Browns running back Trent Richardson as an “ordinary” talent. In other words, best Browns player in a decade. Makin’ strides, Cleveland.

- Steelers cornerback Keenan Lewis predicts a Pro Bowl season this year. Well, if they open it up to guys who only play in nickel packages, I like his chances.

- Programming note: we’ve granted image-posting privileges to another eight commenters: City of Industry Football Corporation, Sill Bimmons, JimmyJankin, packman_jon, On Like Ndamukong, Diehl With It, Spanky Datass, SonOfSpam. Enjoy and use your new powers for good/lulz. With great power comes great gifability. More image status designations on the way, so bear with us.