Earlier this week President Obama came out (insinuation!) in favor of gay marriage because he’s a secret gay socialist pirate who wants to force your teenage son to enter in to a three-way marriage with a Chinese Sharp-Pei and an old man who dresses like Truman Capote.

But what if you had the president’s ear and could get him to go on Good Morning America and throw his support behind the cause of your choice? Would you take the opportunity to end the embargo on Cuba, or go with something less political, like forbidding The Awl from publishing any more bullsh*t lists (f*ck your ground beef)?

I’ll start things of with an easy one. Legalize it.