Keep away, Antonio Brown. The suck will get you, too!

On one end of the spectrum, Vikings cornerback Asher Allen retired today at the age of 24 after three seasons in the NFL. Though Vikings coach Leslie Frazier said it wasn’t for health-related reasons, Allen was placed on IR at the end of last season because of post-concussion symptoms. For now, the line is that he simply lost his passion for playing for a porous Vikings secondary.

On the other end, Kordell Stewart, last seen on an NFL field with the Ravens in 2005, returned to Pittsburgh on Wednesday to hold a press conference announcing his retirement. Even though it’s been seven years and Slash has been working as a very seldom-used ESPN analyst for a while, he felt closure was needed. Assuming the need was mostly on his end, because I know we’ve been good on the matter for a while.

Apparently Kordell wanted to retire as a member of the Steelers (ed. note: barf), the organization for which he enjoyed the most marginal success before venturing off to be part of a celebrated lineage of failed Bears quarterbacks. Could be that Kordell is trying to cozy up with the Pittsburgh market for a future media job considering he’s presently on the Z-team of ESPN talking heads. Then again, seeing as how yinzers openly questioned his sexuality for years, maybe he’s better off sticking it out in Bristol.