When people want to decry the latent homoeroticism of football, one thing they usually poke fun at is the center-quarterback exchange, what with there being a guy hunched behind another guy, with his hand up his butt. What? That’s not gay. Next thing you’ll tell me it’s weird that my buddies and I our check each others’ prostate twice daily. That’s safety, jerks.

Anyway, Aaron Rodgers is sufficiently mature and comfortable with himself to discuss the subject, specifically his preference in center butt. And, what do you know? Jeff Saturday has the ideal center ass. You spoiled Peyton all those years, Jeff. It won’t be the NeckAIDs that does in Ol’ Battleship. It’ll be the substandard center ass.

“There’s two main components that a center needs to have, and it’s not quickness or agility or snapping or anything. It’s two things: One, he has to have a good height, and I’m talking about where his butt rests. It can’t be too low because I don’t wanna get deep in that stance and it can’t be too high so I feel like I’m standing up. It’s gotta be just right. He’s got that.”

“It’s a feel. My center in college was about my height and he’s real low in his stance. So it made me have to kinda duck down a little bit. It’s hard to get out of center. Scott Wells — my previous center — [and] Jeff Saturday: great height. Great butt height.”

Great butt height. Lofty butt height. Very tight butthole.

Another concern for Rodgers is ass sweat, which he said that Packers backup center Evan Dietrich-Smith has major issues with.

“When you get that ball snapped up and there’s a lot of sweat that just splashes all over you and on your hands and the ball — it’s not a good situation. So he actually has changed at halftime before. So those are the two things you look for: butt height and sweating. Jeff’s doing really well in both categories. … Low sweat ratio and solid butt height.”

Prototypical dry ass, Jeff Saturday has it. You could play a game in the Amazon and there wouldn’t be so much as a droplet on that thing. On occasion, it can be used a desk. None of your papers will be soiled, unless you want them to be.