(prior to Joel Ward’s goal last night)

Well well well, anathah crucial Game 7 fahhh the citizens of FIAH BAWBBY V NATION. No othah city has had more-ah moments of high sparts drawma than ow-ahs. NO ONE DENIES THIS.

(sits spread eagle on own couch with hat sideways)

But I’m nawt worried. Ow-ah beloved SNOW PEDROIAHS will pull this one out. You see, we Bawston fans have been through this time and again. This doesn’t faze us. The moment might be too big fahhhhh you Caps fans, but we know just how to act in times like these. We ahhhh hopeful. We ahhh nervous. We ahhhh cawnfident but nawt too cawnfident. We’ve been through the Sawk game. We’ve been through Kobe going 6 fahhh 24. We’ve been through it awll. NONE OF THIS SURPRISES US. So I’m just gawnna sit back, pawp a Twisted Tea, and have my girl suck my cawk while I wawtch this ovahtime. I always get my dick sucked at the end of regulation, tie or-ah no tie! SUCK AWAY, HONEYBUN.

(Ward scores)

WHAT THE FACK?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHO?

WHAT?!

THAT WAS A DAHKIE!

THEY LET A DAHKIE AWN THE ICE!

(puts in fresh dip)

This is NAWT happening! This is NAWT happening! This is a Level XXXVII Subset 12 Cawkpunch! Sure-ah, we won the title last year-ah, but in this town, you need to win TWO titles to earn ow-ah love! And this PACK OF FACKIN’ LOSAHS FAILED TO DO IT! Worst of awll, they let some dahkie break out of Rawxbury and get one ovah on them!

(begins randomly slapping own biceps)

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!!! IT’S THE WORST THING THAT’S EVAH HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF MY BRUINS FANDOM, WHICH BEGAN LATE LAST SUMMAH!

Oh, no! The ghosts! the ghosts ahhh coming back! I can see them awll now! MOOKIE! TYREE! MANNINGHAM! BIAS! Don’t you see why I can’t stand dahkies? IT’S BECAUSE THEY CAN’T STAND SEEING US HAPPY!!!!!

(Walks past young couple, makes that fake I’m-gonna-punch you motion to the guy)

(sees guy flinch)

(laughs hysterically)

This is a curse! I bet some voodoo dahkie chick is mixing up chicken bones in a bowl and laughing at us! CURSING US TO BE SCREWED OVAH BY BLACKS TIME AND AGAIN! How could Gary Bettman let this happen? I should be the commissionah of hawkey, along with 75 othah sparts! I’m the only person in the world who has any cawmmon sense! You think any othah GM or-ah ownah has more cawmmon sense than me? STAWP, JUST STAWP. And you haven’t kept dahkies out of the game WHY, Gary Bettman?!

(cranks up the Chevelle)

And now the Sawx ahhh 7-10! And Tawm Brady is still a Hawllywood faggot who betrayed us by being from California! And I’m mildly awptimistic about the resurgence of my beloved C’s (the C stands for Coloreds!) , but nawt too optimistic because the C’s awlways let me down except when they won 17 titles. And you nevah know if David Stern will think that we play too tough and set his stupid woman ref on us to screw us ovah! HE DOESN’T LIKE OW-AH LUNCH PAIL STYLE! Our dahkies players play like they-ah white, and that’s why we love them!

In conclusion, Joel Ward is a black! FACK YOU!