Whoops, the mailbag’s late today. I’m unhappy with that; you’re unhappy with that. Let’s get over it together and move on.

 Dear Professor of Pussytubing,

[Full disclosure: I've written you before with ridiculous questions about ex-girlfriends. I didn't follow your advice there and it blew up in my face - lesson learned. This isn't about that girl. I've got a cooler head now, so I hope you'll give me a relatively clean slate.]

VINDICATION!

Sex – For the past several months, I’ve been thinking a lot about a girl I broke up with 1+ year ago, after we had dated for ~6 months. I enjoyed my time with her and she liked me a lot, but I wasn’t ready for a long-term relationship. The breakup was amicable – we went our separate ways and maintained friendly, but infrequent, correspondence. I’ve dated a couple girls since, but my thoughts keep coming back to her. She was effortlessly cool/self-assured, a lot of fun to hang out with, cooked up a storm, and was amazing in bed.

“I mean, how could I tolerate a long-term relationship with THAT?!?!”

Two questions:

1. Am I just overly-nostalgic? I have a track record of being hung up on exes. You’ve attributed “right person, wrong time” as a common cause of failed relationships. However, I’ve never heard you say much about trying to reconnect with that “right person” when the “right time” came. I’ve tried to be patient and cautious – tempering my feelings so that I don’t emotionally overreact. I haven’t made any overtures to contact her, but I’m beginning to feel confident that I should.

In the past, I maintained contact with those “right persons,” and a couple times even tried to reignite the flame, with mixed results. Timing and geography can be a bitch.

2. How should I contact her? We’re friends on facebook, but I also have all her contact info (email, gchat, cell, etc.). We haven’t talked in a couple months (wall post), so how do I broach a more direct form of communication without seeming too forward/creepy.  My goal is to get communication moving – catch up with what’s going on in her life, maybe work towards meeting up for coffee or dinner, etc. – baby steps and no expectations.

Social media is a tough landscape to navigate. Facebook a pervasive, engrossing way to interact with people you know, but there are no universally accepted parameters for using it to get laid. Example: instead of getting my future fiancee’s number when I left the party where we met, I was just like, “You’re on Facebook, right? Cool, I’ll send you a friend request.” This seemed normal to me, because I had worked online forever and have friendships and business partnerships that all began through the Internet. She, however, was put off by me not asking for her number and thought it was weird. But whatever, it worked and I got to see bikini pics before our first date. Awww yeah!

ANYWAY, the point I’m trying to make is that you should tread carefully when it comes to Facebook communication — what may seem logical to you or me may come off as creepy to her. This is the problem with the convenience of social media. Ten years ago, you would’ve just run into her at a party where you were both slightly drunk, then you’d make out with her, leave together, and cook her an omelet in the morning. Those were simpler days.

If it were me in your shoes, I’d hedge my bets with a short email or Facebook message that says something simple like, “Hey, how are you?” Then you say you heard a song on Pandora that made you think of her, or you caught part of the movie that was your first date, or you watched the “Archer” episode that she liked to quote. Something reasonable and feasible that conjures up a good memory you shared. “…so of course I thought of you.”

New paragraph: “Anyway, I just wanted to say hi and I hope you’re well. If you ever want to get a drink and catch up, it’d be great to see you.”

Football – I don’t play FF. Unlike most, I share your opinion that the Seahawks’ new unis are pretty cool. However, I think Beast Mode did himself a disservice by not requiring the team to adopt a Skittles-centric aesthetic in his contract negotiations. (I was furious when the Bills traded that loveable psychopath away.)
Buddy Nix’s Buyer’s Remorse

P.S.  Word count = 401

I love the Skittles thing and the way he runs, but those aspects (and the abandonment of his old Yardbarker blog) takes away from my favorite part of Lynch: he’s an idiot savant of the English language. I once made a surprisingly believable mash-up of lines from Lynch’s blog and e.e. cummings poems. (That was three years ago. We are all ancient.)

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Dearest El Capitán Cavernícola,
First off, football: 12 team keeper league, we have to keep 3 players, 6 points for QB TD’s, otherwise nothing special for rules. I have Mike Wallace who is a no-brainer. The other 2 spots come down to Marmalard, Ahmad Bradshaw, Jordy Nelson and Jason Witten. Not the greatest keeper list, but where do you lean?

Ick. I’d go with Jordy and Witten. It’s reasonable to think that Rivers will bounce back from his shitty 2011, but I wouldn’t want to take that chance.

Sex: I’ve been ‘casually’ dating a girl for about a month now. She’s fresh out of a 4 year relationship with a guy who cheated on her a lot. I use quotes for casual because she insists that we’re not committed, and that we’re both free to see other people. But weekends are spent together, both of us have met the other’s kid (and the kids both seem to love the other person), weekdays feature a bunch of texts during the weekday and a whole bunch at night, though we live a half hour away and both have kid duties at night. Sex is great, and this is definitely somebody I could see myself being with long-term (and I find something wrong with almost everyone). Basically, it feels like a relationship, looks like a relationship, but she doesnt think so. She even said that in between her breakup and dating me, she had an out of town FWB who she would see again if he comes back into town, though she doesnt see that happening any time soon.

Obviously you see where this is going. Do I cut this off now before I’m in way too deep emotionally (or before the kids get attached)? Or give her space and let her call it casual for now and she’ll probably come around?
Thanks for the help,
S

I give credit to this woman for being forthright about what she wants. She’s clearly not ready for commitment after getting burned, and she’s very obviously interested in fucking other people. Not a lot of people will just come out and say that.

As for what you should do, keep in mind that you’re a single parent who is getting laid. Do you want to be a single parent who is NOT getting laid? Try to cut back on your emotional investment while still enjoying her company and genitals. Spend less time texting with her, and more on a dating site (or, like, parenting or whatever). Who knows? Maybe you’ll find someone else you and your kid likes who lives closer than half an hour away.

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Hey Caveman,
Been seeing my current lady for two years now, but I’m graduating before her and I’m moving to another state for work. Thankfully, due to reading the mailbag for the past couple years and seeing the corpses of failed long distance relationships littered about, we both talked and decided to end things when I leave.

WHAAAAA???? Sensible college students? Now I’ve seen everything.

We have not closed the door on getting together in the future if our professional lives and genitals are in the same city, but for now we’re to have a clean break rather than an indefinite and likely miserable long distance relationship.

However, in the city I’m moving to we have a number of mutual friends. I’d like to start dating. But, I also don’t want those friends bad-talking me to an ex I still love and respect. Is there a brief moratorium I should observe when I move before I start seeing other people? Or do I go ahead, but just keep anyone I’m seeing off mutual friends’ radar?

Yeah, you definitely can’t bring a date to any parties/meet-ups for a while. Feel free to date whoever you want whenever you’re ready, but don’t let your mutual friends see you with any arm candy until AT LEAST the fall. Also, when that time comes, it will help if that date is extremely attractive and sweet and outgoing — your friends will find it hard to speak ill of you (or her) if they’re charmed by her.

Football: What’s the proper approach to fantasy league expansion? Our current league had a very competitive inaugural season, which I’d like to think is due to my Ginger Hammer-esque rule as commissioner. We are currently at 10 teams, but have 4-5 more guys who want to join. Do I cap it at 12 and tell the others to shove off? Do I do the douchey Simmons thing and vote someone out survivor style to make room? I don’t relish a 14-15 man league due to depth issues (we use QB, 2 RB, 3 WR, TE, Flex, K, DEF), but I want to keep the league going for years to come and don’t want to be seen as a dick when it comes to the rules.
Thanks,
Seeking Decorum Advice

My 12-team league actually uses that same lineup structure, and lemme tell you: the WR ranks are super fucking thin. I can’t imagine it with 14 teams.

Personally, I think you should expand to 12 teams, because it’s nice to have MORE people who want to be in your league (it’s nice to find an immediate, desirable replacement if someone drops out). If you go to 14, that’s fine, but you’ll have to cut a player or two from your present lineup.

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Dear KSK,
Sex: I’m writing this as sort of an outside-party, two of my friends– who are also very close friends– started hooking up recently on a semi regular basis. No sex but pretty much everything but. They had been best friends for three years prior to hooking up. I’m thinking these hook-ups came out of the age old (but lethal) combination of loneliness and boredom. The girl justifies it by saying “it doesn’t feel like hooking up. it feels like a separate category” which is a statement that doesn’t sound like anything at all.

Sounds like he’s a dynamite kisser.

Anyway, now she’s starting to get mad at him more and more often. And he’s doing more and more to provoke her. He recently told her that he didn’t approve of her last fling and texts/calls her on nights she doesn’t hang out with him asking her if she was at said ex-fling’s apartment. He also off-handedly/jokingly calls her a whore, asks her if she has any interests besides sex, friends etc. I truly believe he thinks of all this as jokes and his sense of humor but it’s obviously really upsetting her.

Then he’s a fucking asshole with a dickhead sense of humor. Why are you even friends with him?

He insists he doesn’t have feelings for her and doesn’t even admit to me they’ve hooked up in the first place. She says she probably does have some feelings for him. They both insist they don’t want a relationship. They’re good friends and don’t want to lose each other but at the same time this really hurts her and can’t be great for him either. What do they do? Do they go for it because they clearly like each other? Do they cut off contact with each other?

…or do they (c) fuck off because who cares.

They’re two of my good friends and I feel like this is beginning to affect our whole group of friends which SUCKS.
Thanks,
My Friends Are Idiots

I never understand emails like this, because I don’t have friends who act like assholes. I always end up staring at the flashing cursor for ten minutes while I think, “I don’t get it, why is she friends with assholes?” So let’s do this quick and dirty:

To your guy friend: “Hey fuckface, stop calling Angela a whore when she’s doing you the favor of hooking up with her.” If he keeps being a dick, you don’t invite him to social events, and politely excuse yourself any time you see him.

To your girlfriend: “He’s being a real dick to you. Stop being an idiot.” If she keeps being dumb, cut her off, too.

There are certain relationships that you stick out through thick and thin: your parents, your marriage, your kids. Friends aren’t always forever. You’re friends because you like hanging out, yes? Then why continue to be friends when it’s not fun to hang out with them? Fuck that.

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Caveman,

FF question: over the last few seasons, I have drafted extremely poorly in a .5 ppr league. Some of the highlights include Shonn Greene in the 1st round in 2010, and Spending $36 out of 200 on Felix Jones last year (we switched to auction draft, much better than ever before). I have always favored running backs early and often, but as it is a 6 pt. td league, I am now thinking I need to spend for QB, maybe 1 top end WR and RB and try and get many lower cost guys who could pan out, as paying alot for guys that could pan out seems like a bad idea. Any thoughts for next year’s draft?

Your best shot at a title is with a QB who throws a ton of TD passes. Spend a bunch of money on one, then target running backs who catch a lot of passes. You can probably get Reggie Bush and Jamaal Charles for discounted prices this coming year.

Sex Q: More of a relationship question than anything. You have mentioned many times before how your only regret with your fiancee  is that you did not propose earlier. You also talk about how if you do not see yourself long-term with a current gf to cut bait. Other discussions have centered around just enjoying who you are dating and worrying about the serious stuff later.

That’s a nice summation of, like, 50% of every mailbag.

How do you balance the “the girl is cool and fun to be around” thoughts with the “is this someone I could marry” thoughts? I guess I have an issue with separating the two. The last girl I dated I enjoyed but worried about if she would be the last vagina I would ever have sex with…what’s the proper way to balance the two? Or does that come with age? I just turned 25 so maybe I’m not mature enough to see the big picture yet.
Sincerely,
Frank Grimes (aka Grimey)

You’ve got a key point confused: “is this someone I could marry?” is not the same thing as “is this the last vagina I ever want to have sex with?” A man’s desire for other women doesn’t go away — at least in my experience. I still like looking at other women, and I’m not immune to compliments from the opposite sex.

So why am I getting married? Because it’s not just about sex. She’s my best friend. Even when we both work long hours and the only thing we do together is eat dinner and work on wedding invitations, the time I spend with her is still the best part of my day. She gets me. I want to have kids with her. Growing old together, blah blah blah. All that marriage crap everyone says.

Anyway, maturity is part of it — but part of it, too, is finding the right person. When you’ve met the right person for you, you’ll be like, “Aw, dammit, no more vagina variety.”

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Lords of the Dismissive Wank,
Football: Of the 3, which of these recently fired College Football coaches would be the best fit to fill in for Sean Payton this coming season: Bobby Petrino,

No.

Jim Tressel,

No.

or Zombie Joe Paterno?

Hmmm. That’s the best of the bunch so far. Of course, we now know that the interim coach will be Joe Vitt, who’s suspended, which means the Saints need an interim interim coach. May I suggest a Magic 8-ball tied to a Furby?

Sex Advice: I’m currently in my last semester of grad school and about to move across country to start a job. As per usual when there’s only a few weeks left before you never see people again, hook-ups are on the rise and people are just trying to fuck whoever they can and maybe try to make it happen someplace real uncomfortable. There’s one girl here that 2 of my buddies and I mutually agreed was one of the hotter chicks in our class and agreed that if any of us had a clear shot with her, they should take it. With my 1st friend implementing a modified but successful D.E.N.N.I.S system (less of the creepy parts) and my 2nd laying down a pitch perfect M.A.C., it’s forced me into a bit of a quandary. If I take a run at this chick, I feel like I’m just getting the scraps which makes me the Frank Reynolds of our group. Despite the fact that I’ve got a wad of 100′s and my magnum condoms ready to plow, is sloppy thirds just too sloppy? Thanks.
Signed,
Wait…I had something good for this

Why are your friends using systems from “Always Sunny”? Those aren’t supposed to be actual things that humans do. Why not take a page from “The League” and just be Eskimo brothers? Keep it in the FX family.

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Lord of the Cave (Or Whomever Might Be Covering For Him This Week):
Football Question First: I actually took 2011 off from FFL. Upon reflecting on some of my fantasy exploits in prior years (which included league championships in a 12-team league in 2007, and an 8-team league in 2010), it seems one of my biggest weaknesses in the past few seasons has been my inability to draft good WRs. No matter what strategy I take, while I’ll end up with stud QBs (Aaron Rodgers and Brett Favre in 2009, Tom Brady in 2010, etc.), stud RBs (Who woulda thunk that LeSean McCoy and some guy named Arian Foster would’ve been better in 2010 than Ray Rice?), even stud TEs, my WR corps end up being the stuff of laughter and not legends. Examples: 2010 – 8-team league : Randy Moss, Round 2; 12-team league – Brandon Marshall, Round 2 – ouch! When I get back into fantasy football for the 2012 season, what can I do so I actually draft some WR studs and not any WR duds?

Avoid head cases (Brandon Marshall) and guys with long injury histories (Kenny Britt) and stick to guys who have an established rapport with a good quarterback (Welker, Megatron).

Sex Question: So a friend of mine recently announced that she and her husband are getting divorced. They’ve been married – or had been married – for about 2-3 years. The entire time I’ve known her and her husband, they’ve been together or married. I like them both, and they’re both good people… but I’m thinking of asking the female out.

This is a stupid horrible idea and you shouldn’t do it.

(Interesting side note: One of female’s good friends also just became single, per her FB. I would consider asking both of them out, as both of them are equally hot, in my opinion. That said, both females are good friends with each other, I know the soon-to-be-divorcee a bit better than her friend, and I’d hate to get in a situation where they both realize I’m trying to date both of them, and both shut me down entirely.)

You don’t say. Excellent foresight, sir.

(Also, “the female”? Is she a specimen you want to inspect with forceps?)

So I don’t drag out this question any longer – how long is an appropriate grace/”mourning” period to give the soon-to-be-divorcee before asking her out, if for no other reason, to be respectful of both her and her soon-to-be-ex-husband?
Thanks for your advice.
Hoping To Have Stud WRs And To Be A Stud With A Lady

A lifetime. Ask her friend out instead.