Today is NFL Schedule Release Day. Sure, we’ve already known for months who will play who and where, but now we found out the when, the last part of Bill Simmons’ Mount Rushmore of Important W’s. Why is not included. Anyway, get excited! So much drama! Who will play on Thanksgiving? They gave the Vikings nine primetime games? That can’t be right! Did the Packers get a Week 17 bye to make them extra rusty for the playoffs?
KSK got a premature peek at the schedule. While we can’t reveal it in full, we can tell you a few things to expect:
* Saints forced to play 32 games, the dates of which only to be revealed the morning of the each game by Roger Goodell.
New Orleans’ first three opponents:
Week 1: An all-star team comprised of last year’s Super Bowl participants.
Week 2: A brick wall with players painted on it.
Week 3: Holograms of former NFL greats plus Tupac.
* All Thursday night games after Week 1 inexplicably have the Jaguars.
* Monday Night Football will only be good enough to keep you from watching whatever bullsh*t is airing against it.
* Jets-Jaguars on Monday night, Christmas Eve. GIRD YOUR LOINS FOR NATIONAL TEBOWMAS.
* Andy Reid thrilled to discover that Schedule Release Day isn’t a new government mandated deadline for plotting out his BMs.
* Rams given a lot of primetime games in December because the NFL thinks fans are excited by flexing. BONUS LATE-SEASON DRAMA NUGGETS!
* Cleveland: Whoops. Forgot to schedule them. “Sorry guys, no work today.” “How will I feed my family?” – Colt McCoy, itinerant laborer/ranch hand.
* Minnesota to play half of their games in L.A., just to see what that’s like.
* Buffalo and Miami will only play each other once this year, because everybody agrees that’s enough.
* Steelers-Ravens to play first NFL day-night doubleheader. Will receive one-man roster bonus for that week.
* 2/3 of teams given Week 16 byes to screw with fantasy championships.
* Wary of soccer’s growing popularity in the US, the NFL launches Sunday Morning Football.
* Game played in England: Dolphins-Cardinals. WE’LL WIN THOSE LIMEYS OVER YET!
* Also in the interest of international outreach, the league introduces NFL friendlies: NFL vs. CFL live from Wembley! Bob Kraft’s Israeli Football League vs. Patriots!
* Week 4 games all played on a Tuesday because PK told Goodell the Bowers scheduled a wedding for an early autumn Sunday.
[Image via Shutterstock]
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