There is much to tell of how I arrivet in the great barren north of Canadia. Long bereft of employ, my lot was made worse when my dear wife and our nine little ones absconded with a wealthy barrel manufacturer. The barrel industry is occupyt by men of daring vision and refined comportment. These qualities surely did seduce Moira, as too did the chance to avoid certain starvation in a fetid tenement.

With little foundation or purpose, I did light out for parts unknown. Experience has taught me that swarthiness increases as one traverses in a southerly direction. Therefore, I cast my lot with the north. From town to town I trod, searching for labors and subsisting on tree bark and grain alcohol. Each beseechment was met with rejection and sometimes brickbats. Astute use of haymakers allowt me to escape with my life. Still was I left without earnings.

After I venturt nothernly for what seemt to be weeks, I came to the territory of Canadia. I betook an unspoilt forest of boredom, but it whispert to me of opportunity. America would not fulfill the immigrant’s dream, but it was familiar. I was nescient to the ways of Canadia. The last I heard of it was news that the Queen appointet a bear as head of local governance. From what locals tell me, one day this bear will lead them to sovereignty.

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The denizens of Canadia are as agreeable as they are easy to exploit. A man, upon hearing that I was want for a place of residence, offert me his bed. Not as a temporary arrangement, but for everlasting ownership. Stricken with shock, I asked the reason for his kindness. He send it was the neighborly thing to do then askt if he could chop wood for me before he left for a footballing contest.

I thrust to my feet, tossing aside the cushion he had lain beneath me. “Footballing? In Canadia?” I exclaimt.

“Kind of,” he replyt.

We made swift departure. On the way, he spoke of Canadia, its love of smooth ice and the damned native savages who they smile at but don’t like very much. I admit being charmt by his words and the vision they limned. I could see myself as at peace with the people of Canadia, being offert goods without having to pay or even dispense haymakers. Humble and lacking in turbulence, but it was a life.

I met with a footballing squadron, one of the curious many with the name of Roughshod Riders. They wisht to know what footballing background I had. I explained my travails: bouncing from team to team as a footballer in America, donnybrooks in the shipyards. A snickersnee fight or two. They were very impresst that I played as an American quartered back. This qualifyt me as the best footballing athlete they had ever met.

Almost at once, the position of quartered back was mine again. Oh, what land of bounteous gifts, this Canadia. Here I shall begin anew, find new purpose, start a fresh family and one day have a barrel concern of my own. Just to be safe.