When we last left Greg Cosell thought provokee, Peter King, he was counseling the Jaguars that their thirst for glory could only be slaked with the juice of Tebow. PK also said Jacob Tamme was the fifth most important signing of free agency, which would be a hilarious joke if he didn’t seriously believe it. He also praised a flight attendant for disregarding the pathetic cries of the wretched refuse of coach class yearning for blankets to stave off the bitter winds of poverty.

So what about this week? Is Roger Goodell doing a good job of destroying evidence of his hypocrisy? Will idiot Saints fans show the NFL their outrage by spending more money on the NFL? What chilling reminder of violence did Peter receive at a spring training game just HOURS away from the site of the Trayvon Martin shooting? READ ON.

Two headlines of the morning. Can’t figure out which I like more, so I’ll give you both.

Ooh, an outpouring of nuggets right from the start. Must have been a joyous PK weekend rife with consistent lattes and spring baseball.

New Orleans is getting really ticked off about the bounty sanctions on the Saints, and fans are responding with their wallets.

Because if there’s one city that can flex its economic influence, it’s New Orleans.

The Eagles are winging their way to Texas to work out Ryan Tannehill today. Hmmmm.

Only PK would put “Hmmmm” in a headline. Were it up to King, the newspaper would be divided into two sections: INTERESTING and WEIRD. The AP/PK Stylebook would mandate all headlines end with a question mark. And of course, there would be an editorial section solely dedicated to whatever’s being reported in the New York Times, the state of the nation’s latte consistency and weekly calls for less wait times to fly out of JFK.

Jimmy Buffett did a concert last night on the waterfront in New Orleans. He wore a “Free Sean Payton” T-shirt. He dedicated his first song to his friend and Saints head coach Payton: “Sitting Here in Limbo.”

Awesome, a Jimmy Cliff song that was already covered better by the Grateful Dead. Fuckin’ Buffett. Just give your piss-drunk middle-aged fans their Margaritaville and GTFO.

The Saints had two $100,000-plus suites available for the 2012 season as of the middle of March. Within 24 hours after the league’s sanctions of the Saints were announced, both suites were sold. In addition, the Saints ticket office, in the three days after the sanctions were announced, had more than 150 callers asking to buy season tickets, with most saying they were doing it to show support for the team in the wake of the league’s sanctions. None were available, the callers were told, but we can add you to our waiting list if you want. Add us to the waiting list, virtually every caller said.

That’s so goddamned American, it makes me wanna go hump the flag. “WE’RE MAD AS SHIT! WE’RE NOT GONNA SIT IDLY BY AND TAKE IT. WE’LL FIND SOMETHING TO SPEND OUR MONEY ON, SO HELP US, GOD!”

There’s a groundswell of anger in New Orleans, from what I can tell. Where it’ll lead, I don’t know.

Of course you don’t. Looks like increased revenue for the league, however, which will totally teach a Goodell a lesson he won’t soon forget.

But I know New Orleans. It’s not going to go away, regardless of how Goodell rules in the four appeals he must consider beginning Tuesday.

The Super Bowl is in New Orleans this season. Remember the booing Goodell got at the NFL Draft last year? That could sound charitable compared to the reception he could hear in New Orleans during Super Bowl week.

It’s cute how PK believes The Rog can end race riots and labor standoffs with a set of fiery military push-ups, but that Goodell is suddenly gonna be cowed by a bunch of fans booing. The Rog don’t give a fuck about some boos. Especially when those booing diptards spent like $75 to get into whatever Super Bowl week event he happens to appear at.

A contingent of Philadelphia Eagles will be in College Station, Texas, today for a private workout with quarterback Ryan Tannehill.

“I don’t really know why,” Tannehill told me Saturday night. “I’ll just get ready to throw for them and do my best.”

PK just about ready to proclaim that Tannehill will enter the NFL leading the league in aw-shuckishness.

Fact is, this is the time of year — 24 days before Round 1 — when teams buzz from town to town to get their drafting ducks in a row. The Eagles working out Tannehill could just be Philly doing its due diligence on a good player. That’s what it probably is.

The story that you’re so giddy about is almost certainly pointless. Awesome. “I CAN’T DECIDE WHICH OF THESE DEVELOPMENTS IS MORE INCONSEQUENTIAL, SO I’LL MINDFUCK YOU WITH BOTH!”

But with the Eagles and quarterbacks, you never know. It could be more.

MAYBE

The Eagles wouldn’t seem to have a quarterback need, with Michael Vick set to play the season at 32, and the Eagles wouldn’t seem to have the ammo to move up from their 15th spot in the first round — without including their 2013 first-rounder — to get their talons on a quarterback who might be picked as high as fourth (by Cleveland).

Con:
Eagles have an established starter
Someone picking ahead of them is likely to take Tannehill
Team doesn’t wish to pay exorbitant price to move up

Pro:

By the way, Matt Cassel’s head shouldn’t rest too easy on the pillow tonight either. The Chiefs travel to College Station later this week to get their own private session with Tannehill.

Always nice to have the pointless story to lead next week’s MMQB all sewn up in advance.

If Roger Goodell is talking about changing the culture of the league, he should start with some NFL Network programming. Last Monday afternoon, a few hours after Goodell addressed owners for the first time since the Saints bounty scandal broke, the in-room TVs in The Breakers, a resort where the annual meetings were being held, aired something curious. On NFL Network, The Top 10 Most Feared Tacklers was on the TV in the 5 p.m. hour.

Number five on the list was a linebacker from the ’50s, Hardy Brown, who played the prime of his career with the 49ers. Brown was shown making several brutal shots — legal, but brutal — and then he appeared on camera. Very matter-of-factly in the NFL Network piece, he talked about the Rams putting a $500 bounty on him.

“The Rams had a $500 deal for my getting knocked out of the game,” said Brown, who was not specific about which year it was. “The guy that told me was [Rams back] Paul Barry. I said, ‘Paul, hit me and I’ll fake it, and we’ll split it, $250 apiece.’ ” The segment wasn’t quite glorifying the bounty aspect. But Brown told the story with a bit of a smirk, as though he was reveling in it.

That’s tremendous. Truly amazing stuff. Just remember how defensive Peter was when the bounty story first broke. How he railed at fans who complained that bounties have been a fixture of the league for as long as anyone can remember. “Yeah, well, you can’t PROVE it,” came PK’s strident reply. Then PK sees on the league’s own network there’s evidence that bounties have been going on FOR FIFTY FUCKING YEARS and his suggestion is that Goodell do a better job of censoring NFL Network. OH MY GOD, GET FUCKED WITH A CITRUS WEDGE! I’ll grant that PK goes on to say the Saints should bring a video of the quote to any appeals process they undergo, but of course, that fails to acknowledge weeks of PK bleating that the league has never seen anything like what the Saints were doing. It’s getting to the point where him bragging about a stealing foul ball from a child might be the most ethical thing PK has ever done.

Bill Parcells will likely take the coaching job for the next nine months if Benson offers it to him, and if the terms are right.

“The rocket will likely be launched if people find the space program worthwhile, whether capable astronauts can be found, whether federal funding is sufficient and if conditions are right on the day of the scheduled takeoff.”

Parcells history interlude:

THIS WEEK IN JAP PLAYS

Remembering when Parcells quit, or said he was done, is always a fun thing when he seems to be taking the whistle and clipboard out of the closet to coach again. Going back in history four times:

Jan. 21, 1993:

“This is my last coaching job, without question.”

– Parcells, upon taking his second head-coaching job, in New England.

Jan. 3, 2000:

“I’m not going to coach any more football games. This definitely is the end of my coaching career.”

– Parcells, resigning as the head coach of the New York Jets.

Jan. 11, 2002:

“You can write this on your little chalkboard — I’m not coaching again.”

– Parcells, after spurning an offer from Tampa Bay to succeed Tony Dungy.

Jan. 22, 2007:

“I’m retiring from coaching football … It’s time to stop. I just have to let it go.”

– Parcells, announcing he would not return to coach the Dallas Cowboys.

I’m noticing a pattern here. Maybe Parcells should discipline himself to just never be quoted in the month of January again.

Haha, it’s funny because PK could have done this with Favre and didn’t.

The Dolphins love them some Ryan Tannehill. Club officials, including GM Jeff Ireland and coach Joe Philbin, dined with Tannehill in College Station Wednesday night, then spent about 90 minutes with him on the greaseboard Thursday after the workout. Any doubt now that Tannehill won’t get past No. 8, where Miami picks?

There had better be doubt or else WHY ARE WASTING OUR FUCKING TIME DISCUSSING THE EAGLES AND CHIEFS LIKE THEY MIGHT POSSIBLY DRAFT HIM, YOU WAFTING BEER FART

Jim Schwartz and Jim Harbaugh are actually on speaking terms. They don’t hold the bitterness of The Nightmare Handshake against each other, though it certainly hasn’t been forgotten. Interesting to note that after the handshake-turned-confrontation last season, the two actually spoke in the tunnel before adjourning to their locker rooms, and had a semi-heated, semi-civil conversation about the event, according to Schwartz.

Quasi-cordial, pseudo-rancorous

Both of them, I’m sure, would like to have a do-over on it. Interesting that Schwartz was miked by NFL Films that day. I bet that was some terrific audio that was forever buried from the postgame meeting on the field.

“THE ROG DID A GREAT JOB OF CENSORING THAT OUTBURST! WAY TO GO, ROGGY!”

Stephen Ross is not backing down. “When you try to do big things, you’re going to swing and miss sometimes,” the Miami owner told me. “It hasn’t made me a shrinking violet.”

I was encouraged to see Ross be more public during the meetings. He’s begun to talk to the media in south Florida more, which he needs to do, and he picked his spots nationally, as he did with me last Tuesday.

Lofty spot-pickage, Stephen Ross. As always, the easiest way to get glowing remarks from PK to give him access that you don’t provide to others. It also helps to be a Gunslinger.

This draft is extremely important for Miami. If the Dolphins love Tannehill, they have to find a way to move up for him, even at the risk of overpaying.

When you have the chance to make an egregious blunder by committing far too many resources for a not particularly spectacular quarterback prospect, you do it. Every time.

There are many more football people who think Tim Tebow with the Jets is a dumb idea than those who think it’s smart. As one GM told me during the meetings: “Just watch it ruin Mark Sanchez. He can’t take the booing as it is. With Tebow subbing for him every game and the pressure to get the ball to Santonio Holmes, Sanchez will crack.”

Eh, not that I support Tebow or anything, but if his arrival expedites the process of getting rid of El Shitbox, that’s not the worst thing in the world. Then again, when he does so, you’re just replacing one shitty QB with a much more popular shitty QB who you risk PR hell by trying to get rid of.

I disagree, vehemently. I don’t know if Tebow’s ever going to be a starting quarterback in the league for five or six years, or for any length of time. But I do know he can be an asset to a winning team. And if Sanchez can’t take the pressure, that’s tough. He should play somewhere else.

Disagreement, PK, you don’t understand it. Exactly which point are you taking exception with? The guy says the pressure of having Tebow on the bench will be Sanchez’s undoing. Disagreement would be saying that said pressure won’t have an effect. You simply add that if the pressure is too much, that Sanchez should leave. That’s not disagreement. It’s an extension of the same point.

GGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I thought Tebow was going to be used five to eight snaps a game, but listening to coach Rex Ryan in Florida, he sounds like he’s open to more — up to 20 — with the field spread, near the goal line, on two-point conversions, and maybe even using Tebow as the personal protector on the punt team. Having a defense in alert mode for Tebow will be a benefit no matter how accurate he is. Or isn’t.

Tebow will lead the league in decoyishness.

Now we know what Green Right Slot Spider 3 Y Banana is.

The new Konami Code?

One of the great pre-draft TV shows every year is the series ESPN does with Jon Gruden sitting down with the top quarterback prospects and deconstructing their games. I’ll be tuned in tonight at 9 — yes, instead of Kentucky-Kansas — when ESPN rolls out Gruden’s session with Robert Griffin III.

No one actually cares what you plan on watching, Petey. It’s true, though – Gruden’s specials with the QB prospects are actually fairly illuminating, which makes the fact that he’s totally incoherent in the MNF booth all the more maddening.

Quote of the Week II

“I was misused. Absolutely, I was misused.”

– Donovan McNabb, on ESPN, about how he felt he was handled by the Washington Redskins in 2010.


Stat of the Week

Why the Buffalo Bills are excited, now that Mario Williams is on the team:

New season tickets sold in the first two days after Mario Williams signed this month: 1,600.

New season tickets sold in the first seven days after Drew Bledsoe was acquired in 2002: 1,273.

I find it damning that anyone purchased season tickets based on the acquisition of Drew Bledsoe. That those figures are even close is depressing.

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me

In 1991, Jack Elway took over as coach of the Frankfurt Galaxy of the World League of American Football. His GM: Oliver Luck. They worked together for two years.

Uh oh. I think we know where this is headed. Another PK cosmic coincidence of providential loftiness.

“I visited my dad over there after one of my Denver seasons,” John Elway told me. “And I remember a little kid running around the place. It was Andrew.”

Andrew Luck would have been very little — like one and a half or two and a half years old, depending if it was the 1991 or 1992 season when John Elway visited.

You can sense PK’s fate boner becoming engorged with the build-up to his discovery of God’s plan for this draft having been planted 20 years ago. I bet PK’s one of those people who when he watches a movie, sees the camera linger on an object then makes sure to tell everyone “HEY, I BET THAT COMES UP LATER IN THE PLOT!”

Just thinking: Jack Elway worked with Oliver Luck. John Elway played for Stanford. Jack Elway coached Stanford. Andrew Luck played for Stanford. John Elway went to work for the Broncos, and as his first major act running the football operations, signed Peyton Manning in free agency after Manning was made expendable by the prospect of Indianapolis drafting Andrew Luck. That’s one strange circle of life.

OH MY FUCKING GOD, YOU GUYS. FAMILIES WITH MULTIPLE GENERATIONS IN THE SAME CONFINED LINE OF WORK SOMETIMES INTERACT WITH ONE ANOTHER. AND LATER ON, THEIR KIDS INTERACT AS WELL. IT’S LIKE SEEING THE SEAMS IN THE UNIVERSE.

Mr. Starwood Preferred Member Travel Note of the Week

Two hours down the road from Sanford, Fla., site of the Trayvon Martin killing that has inflamed the nation, I sat down for a relaxing exhibition game in Port St. Lucie the other day.

“I was getting drunk off citrus beer just hours away from the site of current events!”

On the scoreboard before the game was an ad, with a voiceover by the PA announcer, for a shooting range and gun shop near the stadium.

Didn’t Goodell know to censor that announcement in the wake of a scandal!?

A fan (presumably a local person, though he never said) who I’d been talking with a couple of seats away noticed me listening to the ad — with nine soundproof areas in which to practice shooting — and said, “You’re not in New York anymore, Peter.”

“That’s ’cause we ain’t got none a’ them rowdy St. Patrick’s Day parades ’round these parts, Peter. On account of all of them guns. There’s no subway crazies or long airport waits, neither. Only downside is, we got don’t got no fancy-dancy Allagash White on tap. It’s only sold by the six-pack at the store.”

Tweet of the Week III

“Just went to see Hunger Games at a Magic Johnson theater. Tickets were $21,750 and a Diet Coke was $750. Seemed a little steep.”

– @peteabe, Boston Globe baseball writer Pete Abraham, after Magic Johnson became part of a group that paid a world-record price for a sports franchise, $2 billion for the Los Angeles Dodgers.

HURR DURRRRR! Methinks fuckstick Pete Abraham is well positioned to unseat Steve Serby as PK’s go-to for warmed-over social commentary jokes. That’s his second shout-out in MMQB in a month, the last being his refusal to watch ‘The Artist’ when it comes on premium cable because the movie was full off stupid silent uppity Frenchies.

Ten Things I Think I Think

1. I think 49ers quarterback Alex Smith is my Hero of the Week for showing up with food and drink for some of the hundreds of volunteers in northern California who were searching for missing teen Sierra LaMar. Smith didn’t just distribute the food — he also fanned out with one of the search parties and helped look for the girl, missing since March 16.

Peter King thinks that’s significant. He would get drunk a minor league games hours away from where that happened.

2. I think I’m borderline apoplectic if I’m FOX. Three times in the span of five regular-season weeks — Weeks 14 and 17 in 2011, and Week 1 in 2012 — the NFL chose to air Giants-Cowboys not on the NFC network for games, which is FOX, but on NBC.

Is this PK’s subtle way of bragging that his network has been stealing games between high-profile teams from a broadcasting rival? I believe so. FEEL THE PAIN OF OUR FLEX SCHEDULE MIGHT, NEWSCORP!

3. I think Phil Mushnick of the New York Post had a great note about the Giants-Cowboys rivalry: The last time the game was played at 1 p.m. on a Sunday (or noon, Dallas time) was in 2004 … 16 regular-season meetings ago.

PRIMETIME NUGGETOLOGY

5. I think the reason Greg Cosell is so good analyzing the NFL — whether on talk shows, TV, writing or Twitter — is he often makes you think. As with this tweet over the weekend about the value of running backs: “No question lot of late rd/FA RB have been successful. Inarguable. Question then becomes where do you draft a RB, regardless of talent?”

In other words, is Trent Richardson at four too high? Is Richardson at 34 too high? Cosell makes you think, and that’s a good thing.

Thinking is good because it’s good to think, I think.

PK has already dubbed Gil Brandt the Wikipedia of the NFL. But you don’t graduate from Wikipedia to NFL textbook by just informing your followers and readers. You have to ask them open-ended questions and leave them to linger unanswered. PK craves exercises of the mind, as he is on an endless quest to learn how much he does not know.

7. I think the biggest injury of the offseason — and I’ll be surprised if there’s a bigger one before August — is the Eagles losing Jason Peters to an Achilles tear last week while he was working out in Texas. Peters will have surgery to repair the Achilles on Tuesday, and though there’s a long shot he could return late this season, I think a left tackle who needs quickness and must put so much pressure on his foot, ankle and Achilles would be very hard-pressed to be playing quality football before 2013 dawns.

It makes sense for Philly to sign Demetrius Bell, the former Bill, who has played adequately at left tackle but not great. After playing a full season in 2010, he missed nine games due to injury last year. The Eagles could stay at 15 and pick up a good tackle, like Iowa’s feisty Riley Reiff, but it’d be a stretch to think Reiff could play tackle better by opening day in the NFL than, say, the newly signed backup, King Dunlap.

Well, of course, the Eagles have to save that first for Tannehill, who they will attempt to draft even though he will have been selected no fewer than eight picks prior.

8. I think it’s crazy talk that Indianapolis won’t draft Andrew Luck, and my viewpoint has nothing to do with Robert Griffin III’s ability. It’s just that Jim Irsay loves Luck, has talked openly of drafting him, and will have the final say on which player Indianapolis picks. Irsay has his heart set on Luck. I’d be very surprised if Griffin has passed Luck in the eyes of anyone who counts in Indianapolis.

Jim Irsay also loves being an attention-starved asswipe, so expect more nebulous Twitter riddles to come.

9. I think Brandon Jacobs is a nice pickup for the 49ers — if he runs hard. He tried to be a make-you-miss back too often with the Giants. Maybe Jim Harbaugh can explain to him that the biggest running back in the NFL should be smashing into people, not trying to avoid them.

Jacobs will then explain to Jim Harbaugh that he doesn’t feel like it and thanks, but he’ll be on the bench sowing discontent among his teammates.

10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:

a. I’ll miss you, Joe Posnanski.

Good luck in the new venture. Whatever it is, it’ll be a home run.

Posnanski is usually solid with his baseball stuff, but if he never writes another word about the NFL, I’ll be ecstatic. He’s almost as bad as Costas about decrying what a horrible, no-good, barbaric game it is.

b. I’ll put the over-under at 11 years for one of the three Mega Millions lottery winners from Friday night to be broke and say, “I wish I had never won. All it did was ruin my life.”

Why? Was Ryan Leaf one of the winners?

c. Are you seriously telling me Danny Ainge tried to trade Rajon Rondo? What a ballplayer. Rondo being Rondo is the only way the Celtics have a chance in the playoffs. What a performance Sunday against the Heat.

Reminder: When the Jeremy Lin shit first started, PK admitted that he knows nothing about the NBA. Not that you couldn’t glean from this anyway.

f. The problem with the women’s game, to me, is that all four top seeds made it to the Final Four. Women’s basketball needs a George Mason or Butler to happen. It’s not March Madness in women’s basketball. It’s March Regularity.

Yeah, that also happened in the men’s tournament in 2008. There was also no huge upset team this year, either. The lowest seed was a four.

g. You know what’s strange? The worst two teams in the Eastern Conference of the National Hockey League are Montreal (73 points) and Toronto (tied with the Isles, 77 points). How can Montreal and Toronto be so bad? Original six. Hotbeds of hockey. There’s only one team, Columbus, with fewer wins than Montreal.

Oh my God, old franchises can’t be bad. That never happens in the NFL. Except for Cleveland and Detroit all the time.

j. Coffeenerdness: I’ve got to hand it to the folks at the Starbucks on Okeechobee in West Palm Beach. (Or is it Palm Beach? I always get the borders of the two municipalities mixed up, except when I’m within a quarter mile of The Breakers, which is a far more luxurious a place than I ever deserve to step foot in.) Terrific baristas at that Starbucks, friendly, lots of power outlets, good place to write, nice little patio outside to write at too.

You’ve got latte and wifi consistency, Palm Beaches. But you sure could use border consistency. Perhaps Seattle could be called in to clear this up.

k. Beernerdness: As long as we’ve talked about Jimmy Buffett in this column, I raised a couple of cups of LandShark Lager while in Florida. It could have a little more taste, but it’s better than Bud.

LandShark is sub-Corona piss drink. It truly is the Jimmy Buffett of beers. And you can bag on Bud, but at least it’s relatively cheap.

Pertinent:


l. I’m getting addicted to Brian Williams and NBC Nightly News. Very understandable for a football lunkhead like me, and Williams knows what a story is.

Does that mean he led his broadcast with the insignificantly significant news that the Eagles are looking at Ryan Tannehill?

m. TV feature of the week: Scott Pelley’s 60 Minutes story Sunday night on Brevard County, Fla., where 7,000 Americans lost their jobs when the Space Shuttle program was scrubbed. Raw emotion from the workers and utter devastation to the community is what the piece was. Pelley told the story perfectly.

BUT HOW FAR IS THAT FROM TRAYVON MARTIN? Can’t they just start a shooting range, since that’s what the nation’s economy outside of New York is based on?

n. Radio feature of the week: Scott Simon on NPR Saturday morning with Yogi Berra and Ron Guidry, talking about their very close friendship forged in the last few Yankee training camps, a relationship documented in Harvey Araton’s new book, Driving Mr. Yogi. You can be sure, based on what I know of the story and the affection I heard from both men in this radio interview, that Driving Mr. Yogi will be on my Father’s Day book list.

JUST TELL YOUR SHITHEAD KIDS YOU WANT THE BOOK. STOP BORING US WITH YOGI BERRA. FUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK

o. Reporter of the week: I’m late on this, a week late. But it goes to Chris Mortensen for his reporting during the Peyton Manning story. I know Mortensen got criticized because his agents happen to be Creative Artists Agency, the same as Manning, and it gave him an unfair advantage in Manning reporting. I can tell you that’s not true.

“You know who else can tell you that? Jeff Fisher! He gave me that exclusive tip because we share the same agent! You could get a load of Fisher’s lofty meshology, by the way. No way the Rams lose more than 0-16 games this year, I think!”

[HBK gif via]