NOTE: This is a guest post from NYT bestselling author Justin Halpern.

The NFL draft is here, which means we get to hear Mel Kiper Jr. break down the physical traits of 21-year-old boys all across the country.  I enjoy the draft quite a bit, but we’re kidding ourselves if we don’t admit it’s creepy as fuck. So in an effort to show you how how ridiculous the draft is, I decided to take it and put it in another setting: women at a bar. Suddenly Mel Kiper becomes a sexist, date rapey piece of shit that no one but the BROEST OF BROS would put up with. Enjoy, and buy my new book so I can take Drew and his seventeen children out to a decent meal.


MEL: We have a lot of guys have a lot of different needs, so we’re going to dive into this draft and see who’s the best value!

And with the first pick in the girls at the bar draft, Mel Kiper Jr. selects…

 

MEL’S ANALYSIS: This night lacks the kind of depth that we may have seen in recent nights, but that doesn’t change the fact that we have a clear cut number one here.  All the scouts agree, she is the total package.  The only downside may be her history of holding out, but I firmly believe that when you and your friends discuss this draft a year from now, she will be the name most often mentioned.

SECOND PICK

MEL’S ANALYSIS: Although young, she’s got tremendous upside. Other guys that have worked her out have said she possesses skills with her hands that usually come with several more years of experience.  The big question mark here is whether or not her slim physique will be able to take the pounding that comes with a one night stand.  Scouts are also concerned at how she’ll respond to the faster pace of the session and the lack of cuddling, which she grew accustomed to with the boys she met in her college drama program. Even with all these question marks, she’s definitely a risk worth taking in the second round, as she brings a very athletic frame that you can’t find on some of the older women.

THIRD PICK

MEL’S ANALYSIS: Unless someone has a dire need to fill a hole early in the night she should still be hanging around in the third round.  She’s not flashy, but no one will fault you for picking her.  She probably won’t be someone who you can immediately insert your penis in to, but if you spend the time, she should be ready to contribute a little later in the night.  The raw skills are there, it’ll just be up to you to see if you can motivate her to get her best performance.

FOURTH PICK:

If she’s still on the board during the fourth round, she’s going to be very unhappy.  She believes she’s a first or second rounder, and expects you to spend the same amount of time talking to her about her cat as you would with your first round choice. But if you can get her to buy in to your system, scouts say she has a passion for drinking too much and having unprotected sex, which makes her a pretty good fit for almost anyone.

THE FIFTH PICK

Scouts were surprised when she came into the bar a little heavy, which really put a damper on her chances of being taken home first.  But what she lacks in physicality, she more than makes up for with her willingness to find a penis, and just put it in her mouth.  That’s something you can’t teach.   She could be a steal in the later rounds of the night.