“I’m on Team Sweater Vest, ’cause he’ll put a stop to the gaying up of Christian America. Oh, and he might create jobs or something, ’cause all them out-of-a-job abortionists are gonna need a new line of work. WHAT? HUH? WHAT? LOOKS LIKE A PLUNGE IN COAT HANGER STOCK!

See, ol’ Timmy Tebow only coyly hints at his politics. He doesn’t have the big brass ones that I do to come out and say it. For all we know, he’s one of them closet gays. When I was his age, I was already married with four kids. What’s he doing? Paling around with his fake country singer beard and getting all fancy at Hollywood parties. Shoot, I’ll bet that boy had so much Clooney in him on Oscar night that he could taste that salt-and-pepper hair.”