Shahid Khan: Commissioner, it is a great honor to meet with you again. When I received word that you sought an audience with me, I dropped everything and came at once.
Roger Goodell: The haste with which you came is greatly appreciated, Shahid. Please, have a seat.
Khan: Thank you. Now, what may I ask is the purpose of our meeting?
Goodell: Surely you heard of the cap penalties that the league levied yesterday against the Cowboys and the Redskins…
Khan: Oh, I did, sir. A most judicious decision, if I may say so. But my franchise is not guilty of such an infraction, is it? I triple-checked the books when I purchased the team to ensure that everything was in order.
Goodell: Oh, no. The Jaguars don’t have to worry about any problems with the uncapped season.
Khan: That is a relief.
Goodell: Indeed. However, there is another issue that I must discuss with you…
[Hands Khan a manila folder]
Khan: What is this?
Goodell: It’s the results of an extensive official NFL investigation into the condition of your team’s clubhouse. From this, we have learned of repeated use of homophobic and hate speech being used by Jaguars players within team facilities. Such practices were not only done under the auspices of team executives, but the executives at times also took part in said disastrous behavior. We are prepared to release these findings to the media by the close of business today.
Khan: What of it? This is common practice anywhere in the NFL. Granted, such speech may not be fit for the public, but in private, this is the culture of football.
Goodell: We have a code of conduct to uphold, Mr. Khan. You are as aware of that as I am. Any use of hate speech, even done in supposed privacy, has the potential to do great harm to the shield. These charges will carry dire consequences for the Jaguars, I’m afraid.
Khan: But how is this just an issue with my club? Surely, these infractions could be found anywhere in the league. You must know this!
Goodell: We can’t operate only on what we presume to know, Mr. Khan. We only have PROOF that your team is guilty.
Khan: This is an outrage.
Goodell: My condolences.
Khan: Well, we will not stand for this! We will appeal any ruling that you hand down against us!
Goodell: Why enter into any messy appeals process? I will have the support of the other 31 owners. Just as I will when I mete out punishment for the Saints bounty scandal, even if others are probably guilty. Just as I have your backing when it comes to punishing the Cowboys and the Redskins for front-loaded contracts that we at the time approved during the uncapped season.
Khan: You have gone insane with power.
Goodell: Insane? Hardly. By arbitrarily punishing each club with the graces of the others, I do nothing but instill fear and respect in those from whose power I derive my own. In turn, my power will only grow exponentially.
Khan: Well, then you are foolish to explain this to me. I will meet with the other owners and tell them of your plans. We will vote you out of office!
Goodell: I doubt they will believe you, a new owner of a marginal franchise. Not to mention one of your background.
Khan: And what background is that? I find your implication to be highly racist, sir.
Goodell: Perhaps. But it does little good to underestimate the racism of your fellow owners. You should know that Jerry Richardson has voted on a dozen separate occasions to have a massive Quran burning be the Super Bowl halftime show.
Goodell: But maybe there could be a way that we could not only circumvent the appeals process. You could even make these charges go away entirely. Should you provide me with the codes, that is.
Khan: Again, sir, I find the suggestion that just because I am of Pakistani extraction that I have access to nuclear weapons to be highly racist.
Goodell: So does that mean that I am wrong to suppose this?
Khan: … not exactly.
Goodell: Then you brought the briefcase?
[Khan hands him a black briefcase]
Goodell: Yyyyyyesssss… YESSSSSSSS AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[Goodell wakes with a start]
Goodell: Dammit! Only that blasted dream again. Soon enough, Rog, soon enough…
I want more like this!
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