We’ve got a new wrinkle to the mailbag this week! Thanks to my foray into the world of video, I am now in possession of several Ufford GIFs. Now, I recognize that this is something that basically only exists to feed my ego, but I still can’t help feeling…

Anyhoo, I’ll try to use these sparingly, but I encourage you all to subscribe to the SB Nation YouTube channel, if only to make unflattering screenshots and GIFs of me. As always, I welcome your scorn.

Now then, let’s get to your sexy emails.

Crusaders of Clam:
Fantasy: I’m the commish of league that’s going into its third year. I’d like to introduce keepers, you had some good advice on that a few weeks back that made me realize that keepers are like anal sex: not for everyone, something you need to ease into, and can be quite a treat.

Nothing pleases me more than a cheap sexual metaphor for fantasy football. This mailbag exists for that.

Sex: I got married relatively young to a great girl. Part of the reason for the early marriage was religious considerations,

Oh, religious considerations. Those always lead to long and happy marriages. Let’s see what happens next!

but long story short, after 10 years things didn’t work out since God told my wife I wasn’t good enough for her anymore (working changes your worldview, kids please don’t get married too young, you don’t know the world out of college). I’m not too upset about being single, losing my kids is what kicks me in the balls but the point is I’m not looking for a relationship. It’s been over two years since I’ve been single, and it wouldn’t be the end of the world for me if I never got into a serious relationship again so long as I can enjoy the company of a woman on a quasi-regular and legal basis.

“I’d prefer not to have to deal with a woman’s feelings. Can’t I just get laid?” –Everyone

Enter my best friend who recently married some broad, let’s call her Sadie, he met a few months earlier. The wedding was fun, I hit it off with her best friend, Hannah. We went out a few times after and did the sexy time. Now, I made it clear to her that I have no intention of being in a relationship and she seemed to be cool with it. But ever since we started engaging in irregular hook-up sessions, my best friend and his wife are always bugging me about how its so great that I’m involved with her best friend, and we can all shit out rainbows and birth puppies as a group.

Bottom line: I think Hannah is telling Sadie things are a lot more serious than they are and people think I’m in some phase with my desire to not be in a relationship. I may have made mistakes, but I’m not indecisive. I’ve made it clear to all involved parties that I’m not looking for anything like this. Beyond moving to another city and finding new friends, do you have any recommendations for me?
Thanks
Rev. Lovejoy

Women are, indeed, annoying in their propensity for developing feelings even after you lay out very clearly that you’re just using them for sex. SUCH A DRAG. You gotta shoot Sadie down when she talks about how great you and Hannah are together. “Oh, no. Hannah’s wonderful, but I’ve made it clear to her that I’m emotionally damaged and using her for sex.” Probably don’t use that exact quote, though.

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To the gentleman with the mailbag:
Football first: The Bucs sure looked promising coming out of 2010, didn’t they? That QB stud in the making looked like the real deal, eh? Rising young coach, defense that was full of young talent… They looked so exciting that I sprung for a pair of Bucs 2011 season tickets! What could go wrong?

(2011 happens)

SHIT

Am I a bad fan for canceling my season tickets after just one year? I still might go to one or two games next year, but I didn’t want to financially commit to a full season’s worth of failure again.

NFL teams are businesses, and we’re the consumers. It’s the teams’ responsibility to create a product we want; a more exciting team that’s likely to contend will sell more tickets than one led by, say, Josh Freeman (who by the way was not even a viable BACKUP fantasy quarterback in 2011. Fuck you, Josh). A “good fan” in any other light is a bad consumer.

Personally, I look at it as hedging my bets with my emotional investments.  Week 4 of the 2009 season: the Seahawks traveled to Indianapolis to play the Colts. The Colts were 3-0 and looked AMAZING (they would go 14-0 before dropping their last two games and losing the Super Bowl to the Saints), while the ‘Hawks were 1-2 and coached by the younger Jim Mora. Seneca Wallace was their starting quarterback, while a washed-up Edgerrin James backed up Julius Jones in the backfield. I knew how this was going to end.

Coincidentally, that Sunday in early October was a fucking GEM of a day in New York City. Perfectly clear, unseasonably warm — likely the last weekend to spend outside in shorts until March or April. So my choices were to go to a bar to watch the game (no NFL package in NYC thanks to Time Warner) and pay for drinks while my team got their asses beat by the maybe best quarterback in history… or go outside and enjoy the perfect day.

I went for a bike ride. After pedaling through the streets of Brooklyn, I took a break at the promenade that overlooks lower Manhattan and the Brooklyn Bridge. It was scenic as a motherfucker, and I had a pleasant sheen of sweat that made my t-shirt cling to my back. I pulled out my iPhone, opened up the ESPN app, and saw that the Seahawks were losing 28-3 at halftime. And let me tell you: I felt fantastic about my decision.

Do I love the Seahawks? Absolutely, to the point where watching Seahawks games — even ones that end in victory — come only after three hours of worry and dismay. But I’m a human being. I have needs beyond watching every down of football that my favorite team plays. If that makes me a bad fan, I’m fine with that. It beats being a sociopath.

Women come second: This isn’t a sexy-time question, but I’m asking for yours and the Kommentariat’s opinions anyway.

I’ve got two female friends with weddings coming up later this year. I’d like to go to both of them. Here’s a quick breakdown of the two situations:

Friend A: College friend from 2001/2002. Lives in Atlanta now. I’ve gone up to visit her (and other college buddies) a couple times, she’s come down to Tampa a couple times. Friendly visits. We still chat a few times a year. (nothing ever relationship-wise between us, FYI) She’s getting married in Atlanta Labor Day weekend. I’m about 70% confident that I’ll be invited to this wedding.

Friend B: Current co-worker. We chat daily. Friendly gal. I’ve met her fiance. Seems like a cool dude. She’s getting married in Missouri Labor Day weekend. I’m about 35% confident that I’ll be invited to this wedding, but I want to be prepared just in case.

Two weddings, same weekend, different parts of the country. I have very little experience in the wedding invitation department. The last time I went to a wedding, my buddy called me two weeks before the big day and said “So, doing anything in two weeks?” When do people usually send their invitations out? I realize we’re about six months out from the events, but I want to know which one to buy plane tickets to, if at all.
Thanks, and have a good day;
Kyle in Tampa

Affianced couples generally require an RSVP 3-4 weeks before the wedding in order to give the caterer a head count, which means that invitations will get sent out at least two months in advance. I think you’re gonna be all right.

P.S. Go to the wedding with more attractive single women.

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Dear Abby,
Sex: Cap’n when did you know you she was the one and after that when did you decide it was time to put a ring on it? To avoid the suffering of a long preamble, I’m 31 and have been dating a girl in her mid-30s for a few months now. I realize she’s not 25 and want to be respectful of her clock. I’m not sure she’s the one but I’m not sure she’s not the one.

Oh wow. Shit done got serious.

I met my fiancée about two years ago, and right from the start I was like, “Aw, hell. I’m never gonna date anyone else, am I?” She was just the funniest, kindest, most trusting woman I’d ever dated (and still is, I should add). We got engaged after about a year and a half of dating (and 3 months of living together), and my only regret is that I didn’t propose to her sooner.

HOWEVAH, my situation doesn’t necessarily apply to you. I have friends who lived together for YEARS before deciding to tie the knot, and they’re now in happy, loving marriages. Personally, I think a year of dating is a reasonable amount of time to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, but I’m also a pretty direct person who communicates readily and doesn’t get his feelings hurt easily. Until you hit that 12-month mark, I’d recommend you just enjoy spending time with your girlfriend. It’s still early; don’t worry about her ovaries decaying just yet.

FF: I don’t love fantasy football. I think its boring. Sorry. As penance, please accept this picture of Blake Lively’s legs.

Penance accepted.

I hope it helps erase the mental image of Angelina Jolie’s Skeletor leg she showed during the Oscars.
Sincerely,
Konfused in Kenosha

So sad about Angelina. EAT, woman!

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Cap’n,
First of all, this letter is lacking in football and sex. I apologize for the omission of both. But I need some advice – don’t ask why I consider you an authority on life’s problems, you seem to have your shit together.

I feel like I should include a picture of some boobs to keep your attention:

“I’ll allow it.” –The Honorable Judge Caveman, presiding.

Anyways, I’m thinking about transferring schools. I’m a chick, 18, (the kind that clearly doesn’t know how the self-edit – shit is long).  I’m at a big school, in a big city, in my first year, and would go to a small university town for my new one, ideally.  I have two friends here, one of whom is my current roommate. I would live with them next year in an apartment off campus.  Beyond them I don’t really have anyone else.

I’m pretty sure I’m not socially inept. I just don’t know how to turn a total stranger into an acquaintance and then into a friend. I didn’t realize how much extra effort would be involved in this process when I first got here, and maybe I wasn’t initially willing to give it since I’m kind of shy, so I missed out on a lot of potential friendships.  It seems like there is extra effort involved at a bigger school, to not only meet people but to make sure you see them again.  Potential friends don’t live down the hall, like they would in a small residence.

I get the impression things will be the same if I stay next year, or they could be worse.  It will be harder to meet people without college as a common factor.  Plus, I don’t like the way people socialize here – they don’t go to house parties or bars like I always imagined – they go to clubs, which aren’t fun.  Because being fondled by unattractive strangers isn’t fun.

Being fondled by attractive strangers, however…

I joined a club, to be social – not the dancing/grinding kind. And I’m going to the gym, so being fat is one less thing to worry about. I’m trying to improve myself, you see.  But even so, this whole situation has me really sad, and I have started becoming more introverted, even though I know I shouldn’t be. I don’t always make a full effort to make friends or meet people because I’m just so fucking tired. This school is emotionally draining. (I didn’t want to include this part at first because it’s kind of self-pitying, and I know that would make you less inclined to help. And here it is anyways.) I also realize that I should get my shit together emotionally before I make a big move, otherwise things will definitely stay the same. So I’m going to start seeing a therapist.

Sorry this letter is so long and reads like a Judy Bloom novel.

Me too :(

I wish I could add some kind of sexy jailbait twist to make it more interesting, but my life if pretty sexless right now – another huge reason why I want to leave.

You ever read Whitman? A child said, What is the grass? fetching it to me with full hands. That’s what I think when a lonely 18-year-old freshman girl says, ”I wish I could add some kind of sexy jailbait twist” to a 33-year-old engaged man.

So what are the risks involved in transferring? Things could potentially be worse at a new school, I understand, and maybe I should just be thankful for the one friend I have here. I might not make another if I transfer. But isn’t the risk worth taking, if I could really be happy, and have the first year I’ve always wanted? Or should I never have had expectations to begin with for college – first year was a fuck up and I should deal with it. Should I just try to make the best of staying here? What the hell do I do?

College is a great experience for a lot of people, but it’s no guaranteed slam dunk. I was an oblivious selfish drunken ball of fire in college, and sometimes when I walk past an NYU building I think, “Christ, this city would have DESTROYED me if I’d gone to college here.” I was well-suited in a place that offered a little more of a protective bubble. A college’s setting is probably more important to the average student’s happiness than the faculty.

Nevertheless, a change of location isn’t an automatic cure-all, and I applaud you for recognizing that. You need to identify precisely why you’re unhappy, and implement steps to correct that unhappiness. Maybe it involves going to a new school, maybe not. The solution won’t be found by running and jumping blindly, but by executing a plan.

Last question(s), how many of the friends that you have now did you meet in college? And how do you make friends without college as a mutual factor? Like how actual adults do?
Thanks a lot,
Rudiger.

PS I read Drew’s Deadspin article about transferring you linked to weeks earlier. I teared up because I could really relate.

I don’t have a lot of friends from college, but a lot of that has to do with joining the Marines right after graduation and disappearing into an alternate world where your education is relevant. I’m in touch with more people from Northwestern today than I was ten years ago because I live in New York and publicly gallivant around the internet. I bump into a lot more Wildcats in Brooklyn than I did in the Mojave.

As for how adults make friends… Hell. How do I explain this? It’s something so self-evident to me that I’m not sure I can tell you how it happens. Let me put it this way: I’m drawn to people who make me laugh. Every friend that I have today has a generous spirit and a great sense of humor, because life is too damn short to spend a second of it with shithead friends. I’ve met these friends in numerous ways over the last 15 years: in college, through work, via other friends, while volunteering, at the gym (NOTE: I go to a weird gym), and even through the internet (it should be noted, of course, that the line between work and internet for me is thoroughly blurred).

So how does friendship occur? I guess people just do things that they like, which introduces them to people who also like doing that thing, which gives them common ground for a friendly conversation, which is the first step on the way to friendship. I feel really weird explaining this. Do you have Asperger’s?

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